Can't sleep, so why not bake cake?!?!

Okay, I know it is 4am Christmas morning and I can't sleep, I have been awake since around 2am so I figured why not make my lemon cake? I am full of pumpkin pie from Thanksgiving so I made walnut chocolate chip & molasses cookies yesterday and have a lemon cake in the oven, it is going to have a buttercream frosting and coconut!! yum, yum...I love lemon cake and coconut, so put them together and bam! As far as I am concerned that could be my Christmas dinner, but a little later I am going to put a pot roast, potatoes, carrots, etc. in the crock pot for the real dinner. Only hope my energy will last long enough, that is why I went ahead and made the cake this morning while I felt like doing it...these days I don't know what the day will bring.

I hope each of you have an amazing day with the ones you love...I know money is tight this year but remember it is the love and people that truly make a happy Christmas, not how many brightly wrapped packages there are under the tree with your name on them.
Our little spruce tree with its beautiful bright lights and bulbs could easily be 10 ft. tall in my eyes...it is beautiful and perfect! I am truly thankful that I am starting to feel a little better and a little stronger as each day goes by. Finally I feel like eating and for me that is a good thing...there are still plenty of foods that are not on the menu but the ones my body wants are doing much better.

Enjoy the day and spread a little love and cheer!! Be thankful for your health, the safe gathering of family and friends and all you have been blessed with. I love you all and wish you a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!! :)

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...

I Want To Wish You a MERRY CHRISTMAS, from the Bottom of My Heart

I want to wish each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate)...this year has a very special meaning for me as it could be my last. I was not even going to trim a tree, but decided that we did indeed need one this year. So I have a very beautiful (live-potted) spruce tree about 3 1/2' tall, it may be small but to me it is beautiful, it is on a table in front of a window and looks 5' tall. :)

I wish I felt good enough to make my usual cookies, but since that probably isn't going to happen I cheated yesterday and bought some Betty Crocker cookie mixes...haha so I will get some cookies after all! I should definately have the energy to whip up a mix and bake a few dozen cookies, I have plenty of time. We decided that we did not want a turkey for dinner tomorrow, so instead I am making a pot roast, potatoes, carrots & onions in the crock pot...easy, just throw everything in and turn it on...come back a few hours later and dinner is ready. Instead of the traditional pumpkin pie, I am making a lemon cake with buttercream frosting covered in coconut...yum yum!!

I did manage to make it out and get Steve a present,which was bugging me, I had not been able to drive and shop so I was getting anxious that I would not be able to get him anything and this year it was very important to me. I do not know what I would have done without Steve during all this cancer stuff, he has cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, done the grocery shopping, picked up my meds, took me to every radiation treatment and doctor's appointment...and waited on me when I was to sick and weak to get up and do for myself. So this year needs to be special for my wonderful husband.

I am going to try to get through the next 2 days with all the joy that this wonderful season brings us and put cancer on the back burner, chemo and all the other stuff will be waiting for me when Christmas is over, but I am determined to make it as normal as possible.

I hope each and everyone of you have an amazing Christmas...remember it is not the gifts, it is the love that truly makes the holidays. Live each day to the fullest we do not know what tomorrow has planned. Tell the people that you love how much they mean to you, you can never hear you are loved to much!!

Health, happiness, peace & love my dear friends!! :)

HAVE A VERY VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Live a Good Life, Don't Waste Time....

Now I have a true understanding of what an author goes thru when they get writer's block. As most of you who know me know I am seldom without something to say. Since I found out about the pancreatic cancer being back it seems like I have had writers block. Oh there is plenty that I would like to say but it seems to be blocked somehow. Most people say they can't believe how good I am handling it, well what else can I do? Hell, I am scared...scared for the pain and sickness ahead...scared for the IV chemo, scared for the debt it will put us in, scared for what it is doing to my husband Steve...I am like every other person facing pancreatic cancer. I was even willing to undergo surgery again, but the cancer is incurable this time.

I guess one reason I have not blogged more is a lot of people do not want to hear about it...they can't take it, there is so much nausea and pain that is going to come up and no one wants to hear it. Cancer is a very lonely disease, people back off because they do not want to watch you die. Oh, sure there are always a few exceptions but for the most part many people back off. An example is I have lost 20 lbs. since August, I now weigh 112 lbs. and am losing approx. a pound or so a week...most of the time you are nauseated and when you get it under control you just do not feel like eating. There are so many foods that you can't eat anymore...either because of pain in the stomach or it starts the nausea all over again.

About a week ago I started feeling a little better and the nausea was not quite as bad, so I have been able to eat a little more...the oncologist told me to eat what I could but it is doubtful that I will gain much weight right now. She is going to start the IV chemo Jan. 18th, she is giving my body time to recover from radiation and chemo pills before starting the IV chemo. Hopefully, it will shrink the cancer more and give me a little more time.

Believe me I am grateful for every day I have and I will continue to fight, in fact I was going to forgo the Christmas tree and decorations this year, but since it really could be my last Christmas I decided that I don't care if it takes me until Christmas eve to finish I am going to have a tree and put out some Christmas stuff...and somehow with Steve's help I will cook a Christmas dinner too.

I hope everyone takes a few moments and be truly thankful for everything you have been blessed with. Don't worry about money or the things you have, things are just things, I am talking about the people in your life...don't forget to be thankful for each of them. Be grateful that you have a home, bed to sleep in and food on your table everyday...remember there are people in this world of ours that go DAYS without food. Be especially thankful for your health, until you are dependant on others for your  needs you may never realize how precious it is. Live a good life don't waste it.

Health, happiness, peace and love everyone.

6 weeks 30 treatments of radiation & 60 doses of chemo and the pancreatic cancer just shrunk a little...

Yes, damn it!!!! after 6 grueling weeks of radiation and chemo I just found out today that it did shrink the cancer, BUT not as much as the oncologist would have liked, so in 4 weeks I am supposed to start IV chemo to see if it will shrink it some more. That will be administered once a week for 3 weeks then one week off, then chemo again for 3 more weeks and then they will test to see what effect it has had on the cancer.

Sorry to all of you for not letting you know something sooner, but I had been getting sick when I tried to sit up at the computer, have still been fighting nausea on a daily basis and have been feeling to bad to chat. I appreciate all the cards, calls, messages and prayers that I have received and I have missed you all.  I am starting to feel a little better, so the docs plan is to wait 4 weeks to start the next round of chemo to let me re-coup and get a little stronger. Eating is soooo hard to do, and needless to say I am still losing weight despite my best efforts...down to 112 lbs. as of today.

This has been a very difficult journey and I fear the worst is still to come. I am disappointed that the cancer is not gone or shrunken tiny, but I am glad at least it did shrink a little. I am not looking forward to more chemo but I am thankful that at least they can do something else to see if it will help.

Sorry, but I am getting very tired so I am going to go lay down and let my body and mind rest for a while. I will be back in a day or so, until then take care and remember to tell the ones you love how much they mean to you, don't wish you had one day!!! Health, happiness, peace and love my friends....

16 radiation treatments & 31 doses of chemo done....

Yeah I know it is pretty amazing that I have already done 16 radiation treatments and taken 31 doses of chemo, which means 14 radiation and 29 chemo left to do. Hi, I hope you all remember me I know it has been a long time, but this has really taken a lot out of me. I am glad to be able to say that even tho I feel like crap, I do feel better...so I am hopeful that at least it is shrinking the pancreatic cancer and as a second benefit the lymphoma too. I want to thank each and every one that has sent me cards, messages, posts, prayers, support and encouragement. To say that this has shocked me is putting it lightly, I was sure that Dr. Adams had gotten all the panreatic cancer cells and I am still reeling from this. The treatment itself is sorta brutal to the body, radation and chemo together just drain you of any energy you may hope to have. I have been lucky so far and the only problem side effect I have been having is nausea, but it responds to the medication I have for it so it is under control.

I am sorry I don't have a lot of energy and this is going to be a short blog this morning, I have been out of touch for a very long time and I just wanted to let everyone know what is going on. It is tiring, brutal and sickening...I look forward to finishing the last 14 radiation treatments and 29 doses of chemo...I pray that this kills the cancer cells. Again, I want to thank all my friends for your support and prayers, I will answer each of you later, but today I am about out of steam. I love you all and hope you live your lives to the fullest. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends.

30 or 33 radiation treatments & chemo...I hate pancreatic cancer!!!

To say I am disappointed that the pancreatic cancer is back is the understatement of the year...I am angry and pissed off that the oncologist did not just do some chemo when I had surgery. Why the hell not??? I went through agony having the surgery, so why not just as a little insurance, do a round of chemo or radiation...don't let it come back and then go oh, we'll do it now...too late!!! Now they are telling us that there is a VERY slight chance the radiation will get rid of the cancer, the hope is to shrink and maybe put it in remission for a while, but the cold hard truth is I probably only have a couple of years to live. And all because they were so confident that they had gotten all of the pancreatic cancer...well evidently there was a cell somewhere.

Sorry to sound bitter, but I guess I am, I will get over it but it is gonna take a while.

I miss all my friends on facebook, but I have not felt well and sitting at the computer does make my ab & side hurt more. Hopefully, I will not get toosick from the radiation & chemo and I can get back on here more often. I have just been curled up sleeping a lot, my energy is gone, I struggle daily with my appetite...weight is at 120.7 last time I was weighed, so it is very important to not lose anymore. 

Okay, here is the grand plan for my treatment. Today I finish the simulation, they will make sure marks are in right place, do the tattoos then I will be ready to start. On Wednesday I see the regular oncologist then 2 hours later I will have my 1st radiation treatment and I start taking the chemo pills, they are taken on the days I have radiation.
So for the next 6 weeks I will be radiated & take chemo Monday thru Friday off Saturday & Sunday...FUN????? I am NOT looking forward to this experience!!!

Sorry my side is really starting to hurt so I am going to say good bye for now and I will update everyone soon. Please remember to be thankful for everything you have and all the people who love you, be especially thankful for your health you never know when you could lose it!!!  Health, happiness, peace & love my friends... 

I just got pushed off the ledge....damn pancreatic cancer...

Of course it is the worst that it could be... pancreatic cancer is back and I have to start radiation and chemo, bloodwork every week and see the oncologist every 2 weeks unless I need her sooner. I go Friday for my first appointment with the doctor that is going to be doing the radiation. I have not had the flu I guess all the illness and throwing up are due to the pancreatic cancer, that is why I feel so bad all the time. The pancreatic enzyme markers that they check were high, so there is really no doubt even without the biopsy.

There is a small chance that the radiation and chemo will get rid of it but she emphasized small chance, but it is do the treatment and hopefully I will feel better or do nothing and it will just get worse. I am not happy with this news and I certainly had hoped that I would get more quality time than this. I really do not know what to say other than I am in a very bad place right now and I hope everyone understands that it is just very hard to deal with all this, I mean one day I felt ok and was doing fine and the next everything had changed. I am not surprised because of the way I have been feeling, but I sure wish that I had been wrong on this.

I will try to keep in better contact with you all. I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes. I do not know how sick the radiation and chemo are going to make me so it will depend on my energy level.

Please remember to be thankful for your health, live your life to the fullest and be kind to others.

They can't do a needle biopsy...to dangerous because they have to go thru my liver...

Yeah, you read it right...they can't do a needle biopsy because they have to go through my liver to do it, so I have an appointment with the oncologist tomorrow to discuss what is going on.  I still do not know what the blood tests showed, I can only hope the pancreatic enzyme levels are normal. This does not have a good feeling about it, none of it...and I still feel like crap!

I will let you all know what is going on after my doctor's visit tomorrow. I had just hoped that after all I went thru with the surgery that things would be ok longer than this.
Sorry to be whining, but damn I am disappointed.

Please live your life to the fullest, you are not promised a tomorrow, be thankful for your health...you do not know how lucky you are to feel well and have an appetite, all of that can be taken away in the blink of an eye.

A not so good ct scan, many changes some worrisome for pancreatic cancer recurrance...

I am so sorry that I just disappeared, but I have been sick and I did not get a good CT Scan report this time. There are several areas that they have listed as worrisome for pancreatic cancer recurrance, others as possible lymphoma. I am waiting now to see if a needle biopsy can be done, the doctors have to check my scan and see if they think they can reach it with the needle biopsy, as they do not open you up to do it. Also, the oncologist ordered blood work to check my pancreatic enzyme levels but I have not heard back about it. I am very nervous as to what is going on in my body, it seems that all of a sudden everything has just exploded. I also have a spot on my liver, two fluid pockets, and something they referred to as looking like ground glass in my right lower lung lobe, probably related to volume loss or inflammation.

I am almost afraid to go out, it seems that every time I go out later that night or the next day I get sick, throw up for about 8 - 12 hrs. and then feel like crap for the next 5 to 7 days. That is how my summer has been since July, I have had whatever this is 4 times already and the winter has not even started yet. And I am still loosing weight despite taking that icky elixer before meals. When I went to the oncologists last week I had lost another 4 lbs., now I am down to 120.7 lbs., damn I do not remember the last time I weighed 120 lbs...for me it is definately not a good thing.

I am just hanging until the biopsy, depending on which cancer is acting up depends on the next course of treatment, the oncologist says they are two entirely different treatments so the first thing to do is identify which cancer we are dealing with. My best hope is that it is the lymphoma, that can be treated with chemo. If it is the pancreatic cancer reoccurring, they do not do a second surgery and it will kill me. So I am very nervous as to what the hell is going on and the waiting is nerve wracking. That is the main reason I have not been on the computer lately...my nerves are shot and I am drained after being sick. I should know today or tomorrow whether they can do a needle biopsy or not...

I will keep you posted as to what is happening, but some days I am so drained and tired that I just cannot get on the computer.

I cannot thank you all enough for all the messages I have received, please continue to  keep me in your prayers I know it works!

I apologize for disappearing for so long...but I have been sick...

The end of summer has not been kind to me. I am sorry for disappearing for so long. but I have had "the flu" three times since July 21, August 25th and September 10th. It is like my body does not have time to fully recoup from one bout until another hits me. I know the logical answer is to get a flu shot, but I am allergic to the H1N1 vaccine so I can't get one anymore. I am just worn down and feel like crap...sorry that I have not been around but if I am up to long I get dizzy and feel worse. I just want everyone to know that I appreciate all the messages and posts, I love and miss you all and just as soon as I feel good I will be back and more in touch.

I am sorry that I have missed so much going on with all of you...I hope to get caught up very soon. I hope everyone is doing well and are in good health. Please do not take offense that I did not answer each of you individually, I am just not up to it today...I love you all, miss you terribly and will be back as soon as I can be.

Health, happiness, peace and love...

My audience now includes: United States, Germany, India, Canada, France, South Korea & Slovenia...I am so flattered!!

I am very flattered that so many people are reading my blog. Initially I started writing it to get stuff off my chest and to sort of leave a diary for Steve when I die. I thought that he could read what was going on in my head and still have a link to me through this blog, now I am finding that other people are reading it and my one wish is it will give someone hope.

To have people in six countries plus the United States read what I have to write is really mind blowing, who would have thought??? Karen & Pat???? It was those two friends that first suggested I should write a blog, boy were they right...thanks girls! I am just writing what I feel when I sit down at the computer, sometimes I am irritated and it is a wonderful release to just write it out. I am telling you about the good days, the bad days and what I am going through as a pancreatic cancer survivor and a person with non-hodgekins lymphoma. Some of it is boring and everyday, some of it is more interesting...I hope.

This morning has sort of thrown me for a loop. Reading the obituraries...there is a beautiful little 4 year old boy who died from cancer...talk about giving you a case of survivors guilt, if that doesn't do it believe me nothing will. I am always reading or hearing about this person or that person dying from cancer and of course you think why was I spared? It is especially difficult when it is someone so young, but little Gary Key was a baby, he was only 4 years old! And just think how much of his little life was affected by his cancer, it is just heart breaking...I don't care if you have never met them you cannot help but be affected by his death. I know many people much younger and that have children and grandchildren, why them and not me? I have read many blogs by people who have lost someone to pancreatic cancer and many of them say that they look at the survivors and wonder why they lived and their loved one didn't.

The message that I really want out in the universe is that you must enjoy your life like it is the last day. Treasure all the people that you love and care about, be thankful for your health, you will never know how important it is until you have a medical issue,
have compassion for those less fortunate, think of others and remember there is always someone worse off than you.

Thank every one of the folks that take time out of their day to read my blogs...I am truly flattered that you take time out of your day to read what I have to say. It is like a good therapy session for me. It allows my thoughts to come out and it is a diary for Steve.

Positive thoughts = positive energy, let's rock the world!!!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends....  :)

Mammogram, Bone Density Scan & Blood Work (4 tubes) done...met a really nice woman...

Geez yesterday was certainly busy. I went to the Diagnostic Center and had a mammogram and a bone density scan, then to Lab Corp for bloodwork for my doctor's appointment next week. You know how coincidences happen? Well yesterday they reversed the order of my tests. I was scheduled to have the mammogram first, but had the bone scan first. After the scan the tech took me to the dressing room to change and wait for my mammogram...instead of one of those two techs doing my mammogram, another lady from the next area came over and got me and said "come with me I am going to do your mammogram". Well of course when I open my gown there is my scar, from breastbone to bellybutton, she asked what had happened...long story short she has breast cancer stage 4, spread to her lungs & neck. She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I will never forget her beautiful smile and sweet dimples. Here she is worrying about me and she is going through so much herself. For those of you that do not know there is NO stage 5 in cancer.

I feel blessed to have met such a sweet person, actually I have met a few really nice people recently. It is like some people are drawn to me, they actually come over to me and strike up a conversation and then one thing leads to another. I have even exchanged phone numbers with a couple of people, and believe me I will not forget Carla from yesterday...as I said earlier she had the sweetest smile and dimples, when she smiled her whole face just twinkled. I do not know why I was supposed to meet her but I do know that there was some divine intervention at work yesterday, meeting her and talking with her was just what I needed.

I have been feeling a little icky recently and I hope my doctor's appointment next week goes ok...these days I question all the bad feelings I have, you just never know what is going on. I try to avoid sick people, no spleen makes me more likely to get sick so I am more careful these days. But you always wonder if it is the lymphoma acting up. I really hope not because if it changes I will have to do chemo and I am NOT looking forward to that. I don't care how many improvements they have made with it. I know it still makes you feel like crap and then there is the thing they told me about it won't cure me, it will just prolong my life for a little while. So I don't know if it is really worth it or not. We will see when the time comes. One reason I am just a little concerned is I found out yesterday that I have lost another 5 lbs. and I am not trying to loose weight...I am trying to hold the weight I have. So may I say to all my dear friends that think you have to loose every "extra" pound you may have...Thank God I had a few "extra" pounds when this all started, or I would look like a stick with hair, which is kinda what I look like now. lol

Well it rained overnight and it is around 60 degrees so I am going to go restart my day by having a cup of tea on the front porch. My front porch has become one of my favorite places to be. I have always loved having a full length covered porch, but I must say I have enjoyed it more in the past 14 months...I guess I slowed down and took time to smell the roses. Cancer does that to you...you definately rearrange the things that are important to you and you are happy to drop the things that make you unhappy. For once in my life I am trying to put myself first, which has always been hard for me. I have always been seeking the family I did not have.

I think some of us are born caregivers, it takes a different kind of person to want to take care of others...I don't care if it is nursing someone that is sick, cooking a meal for a sick or injured friend or just being a truly nice and giving person. I have in one sense or another been a caregiver since I was a young child...my Momma got sick when I was around 11 or 12 and I remember helping her even back then. It has always made me feel good to do something for someone and I think that is where I get it from. So this "shoe on the other foot" has come as a stinging blow.

My wish for all of you is to be thankful for your health, all the blessings you have and the people that love and care about you. Live your life to the fullest, don't waste the most precious gift you have ever received...hug a kid, kiss a loved one and tell them how much they mean to you, remember you may not have the chance later.

Positive thoughts = positive energy, let's rock the world!!! 

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

Looks can be deceiving...

Looks really can be deceiving, when I have the energy I sometimes get the bare minerals make-up and mascara out, and wa-la...I look pretty good, sorta by nature because the bare minerals is made of a mineral compound. No seriously, if you look good you feel good, so I have been trying to spruce up every once in a while. When you are a housewife make-up is not used as much as when you have to go to the office every day, and trust me I enjoy that too. Since my surgery last year my coloring has improved greatly anyway, so when I do use a little make-up it makes me look healthy and sometimes even glowing, and I must admit that it does make me feel better sometimes...Looking pale and sick is not a good look for anybody, so I say if you can do something that makes you feel better and it does not hurt anyone else, then go for it!
Use any trick you can for the mind to think you feel good.

I am bringing up the looks can be deceiving because of something someone said to me last week. I met a very nice lady and we were talking...in the course of our conversation I told her I had had pancreatic cancer surgery 14 months ago and have  MS, non-hodgkins lymphoma, diabetes, a-fib, hi blood pressure & underactive thyroid...I left some illnesses out because they are to numerous to list...and her mouth dropped open, she could not believe that I was walking around with all this stuff going on in my body and looked as good as I did. I would like everyone to remember that with a little make-up and mascara someone that feels like crap can put forth the appearance of looking good. So remember, that person that you are loosing patience with at the store, may be someone just like me or someone a whole lot worse off than me, and you would never know just by looking at them. Just a little food for thought the next time you are fuming because someone is holding you up and taking what you think is too much time...

Yesterday I had a lot of big plans for all the chores I was gonna do, well I got about half of them done.  It is amazing how quick my energy is zapped these days. I did get most of the laundry done and changed the bed, but no macaroni salad or fried chicken. By dinner time last night I was so drained and felt a little icky, so it was leftover pulled pork sandwiches to the rescue. I did sit on the front porch and enjoy the nice day most of the day yesterday...so I did get a lot of fresh air and a little sun (vitamin D). And of course Janie had a good time playing in the yard and running back to give me some doggie kisses and rest every once in a while. So I may not have gotten much housework done but I sure did enjoy the day.

This morning is especially nice, I had a cup of coffee on the porch at around 3am and it is really nice out there this morning. The temps must be in the low 60's or high 50's  and were just perfect for rocking and having that 2nd cup of coffee. I guess I will try to do some chores today, I am not sure how much I am gonna do we will see as the day goes on. For sure I am gonna clean up the kitchen and then the rest will have to take its chances getting done. :) Who knows, if it is really nice I may just spend another day on the porch rocking and swinging.

Okay, time to go eat breakfast so I can take my morning handful of pills...I may cheat this morning and have waffles, sounds good to me I will have fresh strawberries with them that way half of breakfast will be healthy ;) Please remember to be grateful for your health, you will never know what a treasure you have until a serious illness or disease hits you, be thankful for the people that love and care about you, hug a kid, hug & kiss a friend, tell those you love how much they mean to you...do not wait until tomorrow remember tomorrow will not come for some of us one day.

Positive thoughts=positive energy, let's rock the world!!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

I wish Cancer Treatment Centers of America would change their commercials...

Janie thinks so too!

I am so tired of everytime they have a commercial it is a person with pancreatic cancer, saying how, when they say they have pancreatic cancer people think they are going to die...Let's get this straight people...all of us are going to die, some of us a little sooner than others, but death is something that does not discriminate...it comes for us all in the end. It is not something to fear as it is a natural part of the life cycle. And no, I am not "so strong" I have just accepted it. That does not mean I like it, because I sure as hell do not, but I am not afraid of it either. The dying process scares me a lot more than dying...but I choose to live my life, not sit around worrying about how much time I have...remember it is the quality of life, not the quantity of life that really counts.

Speaking of the quality of life, this morning is absolutely fabulous...it must be around 60 degrees, the little night creatures are making their noises, I can hear the deer moving around in the woods and other than that it is quiet. No cars are moving around yet and the dogs are sleeping so there is a peacefulness in the early morning hours that you just don't get during the day. To me this is a very special time of the day, I love it when it is nice enough to have a cup of coffee on the front porch and watch the day start to awaken. When I do this, it is surprising what it does for my mood and overall feeling. The little things are the best, sitting on my swing or better laying on it or sitting in the rocking chair just soaking it all in...love it, love it, love it.

Today I am going to try and catch up with the laundry, only a couple of loads to do so that should be easy...in fact I have washed, dried and folded one load, washed a second and have it in the dryer already. I am thinking about fried chicken for dinner, maybe I'll make some macaroni salad, too...leftovers, hmmm-great idea! If I go ahead and make the macaroni salad this morning it will be great by dinner time...I may even try to change the bed, but we will see on that one, either today or tomorrow. Nothing like fresh laundered sheets for a good nights sleep though, so maybe I will push for today. I have not been sleeping very well so maybe it will help for a night. Plus I am definately going to finish the baby afghan I have been working on, like forever...I am so close that it won't take very long to finish it up, about 1/2 row, then one row of single crochet and it is done and ready for sale. So that is definately a must for today, I want to start the next one...for my friend Sandy's grandson due in September. :)

Okay time to go eat breakfast and take my morning handful of pills. Remember to be thankful for your health, the people that love and care about you and everything you have been blessed with. So many people are struggling these days, let us remember them and pray things get better for them! And remember there is always someone that has it worse than you do, so don't become so self involved that you fail to see the suffering and struggles of others...  Live life, don't waste it.

Positive thoughts=positive energy, let's fill the world with it!!!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends... :)

A few good days...even made a new friend...

I have not been blogging for a few days but I have been okay. I got up Friday and did not feel especially good but I had not been out grocery shopping for weeks, so I decided to just go for it. My friend, Sandy, had stopped by Thursday afternoon and cut my hair so I was "all spruced up", I decided to put a little makeup on, to give the appearance of a healthy glow and even threw in some mascara...so I was "looking good" hahaha 

I was just kinda looking around Walmart and this lady named Linda came up to me and said "Hi, I really like your haircut, it's so cute. Do you mind if I ask, do you have thin hair"? That is how the conversation started...she was very nice and one thing led to another and we probably talked for a good 30 - 45 minutes. And as we were parting to continue our shopping she said she "would love to get together and just talk for a day", so we exchanged our phone numbers and hopefully will get together one day say for lunch or something. I am definately into making some new friends and she seems nice and is around my age so who knows...maybe I was at the right place at the right time. 

I was doing my shopping in the early morning which is my favorite time to shop. Sorry to say this but the mother's are not out with their screaming running children when you go early. Mostly there are the "old farts" like me in there and I have a nodding aquaintance with most of them, some of us have progressed to a short casual exchange. So for me grocery shopping kills many birds with one stone. And I had missed it for a few weeks, thankfully I have Steve who had been getting the groceries while I was sick, but I do enjoy doing my own shopping when I can.  The beautiful roses that are shown in this blog, were 18 roses for 1/2 price=$5.00...so how could I leave them in the store, they were begging me to bring them home and enjoy their beauty and that is exactly what I am doing...they are beautiful and I love looking at them. One of the many benefits of going early.  I think I have a gene for loving flowers, every female on my grandmothers side has it. :)

Friday I decided to bite the bullet and make Carolina spicy pulled pork in the slow cooker...well you all know about this raw meat thing I have had going on recently...so putting the dry rub on Friday night was pretty gross, but I got over the nausea in about 30 minutes so it was not that bad. I let the pork marinate with the dry rub overnight so Saturday morning I had to handle ickier raw meat...but holding my breath and handling it as little as possible I was able to get it into the slow cooker and the rest as they say was culinary history.  Not bragging but it is the best pulled pork around, served on a grilled bun with a little cole slaw...yum, yum! Plus since it is a 5lb shoulder there are plenty of leftovers. We are having them today and one day later in the week and I have three containers in the freezer. I have to start thinking ahead and when I cook make extra and freeze it for the days I do not feel well. Duh!, guess I should have been doing that like forever. I may have been a little slow on the uptake but I got it now. My frozen dinners will be better for us than the store bought ones. And I am not knocking them either, believe me they have saved me many times these last couple of years. There are many days I just cannot cook.

Okay, enough for now...I must go eat some breakfast and take my morning handful of pills that keep me going, geez wish there was another way to feel ok instead of a pill for this and a pill for that, but right now I have no choice...I value every day I have had and I appreciate the wonders of life. Remember to be thankful for everything you have been blessed with, the people that love and care about you, your health, the ability to buy food and pay your bills...many are struggling every day just to feed their family let's remember them. 

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome...

Blackberry cobbler may not be on the diabetic diet, but damn it was good...

Steve went to West Virginia this weekend and helped friends of ours do some major repairs to their bathroom...and as they say no good deed goes unpaid, I was sent zucchini, yellow & white squash, cucumbers and half of a delicious blackberry cobbler. So yesterday when I went to the store I picked up some vanilla ice cream which goes perfectly with the cobbler. The way my appetite has been going lately, I am not going to worry about a little cobbler and ice cream. I will gladly eat anything that does not make me feel like I have to throw up.

Today is looking pretty nice, it is gonna be hard to get motivated to clean and do chores inside, I am more inclined to go sit on the front porch and finish my afghan. I am putting the border on it and it will be done. It is hard to tell which way the wind will blow me, I don't really make plans anymore I just sorta go with the flow. And with the temps better, not as much humidity, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, traffic is moving around with people getting to work, the squirrels are running around in the yard playing and of course Janie is checking everything out in the yard this morning...I don't know, I may just have to go out for a few hours anyway.

Ok gonna go for now, I need to take something out of the freezer for dinner and decide what to do today, one thing for sure I am not going to do to much, I have a nagging pain under my ribs this morning so motivation is gonna be hard to get.

Be thankful for your health, the people that love you and everything you have been blessed with. Live your life don't waste it, it is the most precious gift you have been given!  Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome....

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...  :)

Spent the afternoon sitting under the trees at the picnic table...

Yep, I took a shower, went to the store and picked up a few things. When I got home I put the groceries and prescriptions away, by that time Steve was home. Well needless to say it was a pleasant afternoon in the edge of our woods, where the picnic table is. So instead of cleaning up the kitchen, doing laundry or any of the many chores I could have been doing...I got a cold drink and went out and spent the afternoon sitting under the trees, at the picnic table with Steve, watching the squirrels and birds playing in the woods. It was such a pleasant relaxing afternoon, there was a little breeze that took the edge off the heat and being in the shaded woods was great. And I had some good quality time with Steve just doing nothing...

This morning I got up at my usual 2am, sorry but that is the schedule of a service person...gotta do the work when the buildings are unoccupied. I have cleaned up the kitchen and am waiting for a load of laundry to finish so I can run the dishwasher. I hope to at least vaccum but I don't know I am running out of steam, so this may be a light work day...I have decided that I cannot do as much as I might want to, if I push myself to hard I will just pay for it later. Having cancer does suck your energy faster than if you didn't have it. You would think after 14 months I would be used to it by now, but I don't think you ever get used to it, you just come to an agreement with it.

At least I can crochet some today, maybe even finish the current baby afghan I am making...if I don't sell them as I make them, there is a craft show before Christmas and I may get a table and sell them there! :) That would be good to, Christmas cash would be grand. Any cash would be grand.

Speaking of money, I am going to talk to my primary doctor when I go her about "disability"...someone asked me if I was getting ss disability and I told them no, I did not consider myself "disabled" and they laughed...laughed right in my face...not being mean, but because I didn't consider my disabled. They pointed out all the medical issues I have and how my health issues interfere with my day to day living. I don't want to be a sponge on an already stressed program, but with all the benefits that even illegal aliens get, I think I am going to check into it...I sure worked all my life and paid into social security and medicare just like everybody else...so if I am qualified to receive it I am going to apply for it.

Ok, laundry in the dryer and the dishwasher is washing. I guess it is time to get off the computer and fix breakfast so I can take my handful of morning pills. Then I am going to move to the front porch and enjoy the day awakening. I love the early morning hours, it is quiet except for the night creatures...crickets are chirping, birds are singing and the sun is just beginning to break on the horizon...hope it is gonna be a good day, calling for some possible showers today and that's ok we can use it.

As always be thankful for your health and your loved ones...hug a kid, tell a friend how much they mean to you, be kind and don't dwell on yourself there is someone worse off, think of those less fortunate and smile...it could be the only kindness someone sees today.  Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome...

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends! :)

It's Monday morning...starting a new week...

Here we are beginning a new week. I got up at 2am with Steve this morning, and let me tell you that is not the time to be making Hillshire Farm Roast beef sandwiches, especially if your stomach is a little on the so so side. When the aroma of all the garlic and spices assault your senses at that time of the morning is a little overwhelming. Thank goodness Steve wrapped it up for me and saved me from it...I guess he is gonna be eating turkey & chicken for a while. :) 

This morning has been very pleasant, the air is a bit cooler than the past few days, there is a gentle breeze and a lot less humidity. I guess the days are gonna be hot but right now it is really nice out. I enjoy sitting on my front porch on mornings like this and have a second cup of coffee and maybe crochet a little. I have had to slow down on the crocheting because it is hurting my scar a little, so I have to do a few rows and put it down for a little bit and then I can go back and do a few more. Sure will be glad when all the pain and soreness is gone...it is amazing how much some places still ache even after all this time. Guess eventually it will go away!

With the start of a new week I hope everyone has an amazing week, remember to be thoughtful of others, thankful for your health, your home, the clothes you wear, the food you eat everyday, remember some people are not lucky enough to eat everyday.
Be grateful for the people that you love and think of those less fortunate.

This week we should all pray for the government to get their act together and find a solution to the economic woes, unemployment and all the other problems we have.  They are making our country look weak and foolish. I think they are well compensated to do their jobs...so what is the problem? In a democracy it is supposed to be compromise, where are any of these guys compromising on anything but their own salary increases. They need to cut the bull, do their jobs and quit whining about it.

Ok enough of that, I am going to go do a load of laundry and straighten up a little. Maybe today I will get to work on the afghan some more, I am down to 5 rows on the stick which is what hurts and then put the border on it and it is done!! Yeah!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

I slept, snacked and crocheted most of the day Saturday...

Well at least we got a little rain, but now it is humid as a sauna out there this morning. I hate hot humid days, those are the ones that drive me indoors with the air conditioning on. It seems that the humid days just drain my energy and strength...and it takes forever to get motivated to do anything. Hopefully as the sun comes up the humidity will go away too. 

Hopefully, Steve will be home soon, he went to West Virginia yesterday to help a friend rework a bathroom. That is one of the drawbacks of having someone that can do anything...when something goes wrong everyone knows who to call. But really I don't mind these are good friends and it will save them a boatload of money. I took advantage of him being gone yesterday and just slept and snacked pretty much all day. I did some work on the baby afghan I am making, I have about 12 rows and the border and it will be done. Guess I will do some more work on it today, maybe even come close to fininishing it...depending on how much I can do today.

I really wish I could come up with something good to cook...I am tired of the same old thing and need a new taste sensation, guess I am going to have to put the old thinking cap on. It would really help if I did not have this aversion to raw meat. I have no idea where it came from, but for quite a while now I have this thing with raw meat. I can eat some of it, if Steve cooks it or preps it for me. I guess I should be grateful for all the frozen things I can get and cook, but they are just not the same as homemade. Hmmm.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, remember to be thankful for your health, the people that you love and everything you have been blessed with. No matter what problems you have believe me there are others worse off than you, if people stopped thinking just about themselves the world would be a better place...don't be a fake friend you either are or you aren't...I have found that some of my "friends" turned out to be "people I know" instead and that is ok, because we do get to choose our friends and I am definately better off without some of mine. Being sick does give you that time you need to really sort things out. Most think being a friend is "doing" something for you but that is not what it is all about, if you don't care enough to pick up the phone and call and just say hi, how are you doing?...then you are not a friend, you are a person I know and I know a lot of people.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends. :)

I am tired of being told to "get out of that house"...I love my home, it is my haven...

I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings with my blog, but I do want everyone to remember that I started this blog to vent and also to give my opinion on living with cancer or whatever I felt like writing about. Yesterday's blog was not taken very well by someone I know and I got a personal message reprimanding me for it.

I was told I might benefit from a support group and they have such a large family they do not have time to do anything for me. Well first let me say that I have not called and asked her for help so I do not know what that is all about. Also, it was pointed out that she was tired of me trying to make her feel guilty for not helping me...again, I made a general statement, that is true...my friends have stopped calling and Steve is the one person that I count on. I have friends that I know I can call if I need them, but so far I have not had to do that. I am trying to be self-sufficent and do everything I can, it may be slower but I manage. I was also told to get out of "that" house, well that is all well and good, but I would ask do you really want me on the highway driving while I am taking medication for pain and anxiety, am dizzy and have double vision? Perhaps you think that is a good idea, but personally I do not.

I love my home...I have everything that I need and want. Steve works very hard to make things comfortable for me and take care of us. I really am not worried about getting out much. I have never been the window shopping kind of person, if I can't afford it I am not going to go look at bunch of stuff I can't buy, with the MS my vision makes it "unusual" being in a different enviroment, so what may be fun for you is confusion and nervewracking for me, that is why I like to stay home. From lounging on the front porch to just watching tv, I can do what I want to do when I want to do it, be comfortable and in control.

I am sorry but I will continue to write what I have on my mind, I am not forcing anyone to read this blog but I am sharing in the cancer community. For those of you that are not aware, my story just mirrors about 95% of the stories you read and share on
 the cancer sites. Most of the survivors and those still fighting are having the same experiences I am having. I have always tried to be supportive of my family and friends and I will continue to do so because that is my genetic makeup...but I also have to take care of myself and sometimes that is venting about the things that are bothering me. I cannot control so many of the medical things wrong with my body, but I can release the tensions that build up because of it.

Just because I have a few down days does not mean that I find no joy in life. I actually have a really good life, I appreciate the value of life and how quickly it can disappear, I value the days I feel good, I love my husband Steve and my little dog Janie...my world is good. I just happen to have cancer. I have to live with that fact and not let it rule my world anymore than it does. Yes a lot has changed, but I am still the same person...I cry when someone hurts my feelings, I have fear of what the lymphoma is going to do to me, I bleed when I cut myself and I dream of a future. I still have a lot to give and a lot of life to live and I intend to enjoy as much of it as I can.

I am going to go sit on the front porch and watch the sun come up, it is nice and cool this morning, the night sounds are soothing...sounds like the perfect place to have another cup of coffee and start the day. My sister always refers to my house as sort of a mountain retreat and in many ways she is right...it certainly is my retreat and I love it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Remember to be grateful for your health, your loved ones, the home you live in, the food you eat and everything you have been blessed with. Hug a kid, kiss a loved one...always let the people you love know how much they mean to you. Live life don't waste it, it is the most precious gift you will ever receive. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

Smiles are free, so why not give a few away today? :)

I don't know where the expression "dog days of summer" really comes from, but I would have called it the "turtle days of summer"...the last few weeks all I have been able to do is stick my head out the door and then right back in, more like a turtle to me. I cannot take the heat and at the same time I have to wear a sweater in the air conditioning...go figure, I am not even trying to figure my body out anymore, there is too much going on in there for me to control any of it anyways. I do the best I can, I eat as much and as well as my body allows, I rest pretty much all the time...no energy at all these days, and I plug along each day.

I have found that my crocheting has been the biggest diversion for me so far. I do not feel like dragging out the sewing machine and sewing, so I can whip out the old crochet hook and a skein of yarn and wala, afghans...any color any size. I am even thinking about making a card to put up and give out, maybe I could get some orders and make a little money for them instead of giving them away all the time. Oh, I don't mind giving them away...I just got my feelings hurt in May, asked someone I knew who was pregnant to stop by and get her afghan, long story short I have not seen or heard from her...so I gave it to someone else a couple of weeks ago. After that I decided to just make and sell them, that way I don't get my feelings hurt...

There seems to be very little that you can control but you can control your actions. I have found that after cancer people treat you completely different. I think a lot of people would like to see an isolation island and just ship us there, so we don't interfere with your lives and time. I would like everyone to know I may have cancer, but I am still very much alive. I have bad days and weeks and I deal with them alone, except for my husband Steve. I don't ask anyone to do anything for me, because I am tired of being let down or lied to...but just remember not to ask me to do anything for you anymore, because now I do not have the time for you either...all my time and energy are going to be used to fight my cancer and help those who deserve it.

It is funny how people that I have reconnected with from my past have been more supportive than my so-called friends down the street. I know that facebook gets a bad rap on some fronts, but it has been wonderful for me. I have gotten back in touch with old friends and classmates and gave me company when I was sick and alone. My facebook family is always there with a comforting word, encouragement and kudos when things go great. I can share with them and have the sense of release that a good therapy session would do. Everyone has something they are going thru, illness, disease, sick children, financial difficulties, family problems whatever, none of us are immune to the heartaches of life. Remember to be kind to those less fortunate, appreciate the wonderous gift of life and your health, hug a kid, kiss your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you.

Remember smiles are free, so why not give a few away today? :)

Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome...

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!!!  :)


Janie sending a smile! :)



Pancreatic cancer surgery was 14 months ago today...

It is amazing that it has been 14 months since I had surgery. I must admit that this has been one of the most difficult years of my life, both physically and mentally. If you don't keep a tight grip on yourself it is very easy to just let depression take over and then you are in a whole new world of trouble...because depression will eat you alive and make you think of crazy things. Believe me you have your plate full just healing after surgery, you don't have the energy for depression.

I always thought that I would have heart disease and that is what I would die of, hopefully at an old age...my grandmother, mother, sister, aunts and cousins all have/had heart disease, oh I have a-fib, high blood pressure and high cholesterol but not the problems they all have or had. No one that is blood related to me had cancer so that really was not a large concern for me...haha, that joke was on me!!! I guess it was like everything else when it came to my blood relatives, I have always been the odd person out, not really belonging anywhere, not quite like them, and sure as hell not accepted by them. Guess that is why most of them refer to me as the "black sheep" of the family.

Actually, my aunts, cousins, brother, nieces and nephews that are blood related don't even know that I had cancer surgery or that I have NH lymphoma. They have not spoken to me in years, most of them since my grandmother died, a few had been in touch from time to time over the years but not in the last 20 yrs. or so...The only reason any of them will be sorry when I die is they will not be getting anything in the will. My sister always tells everybody I have no children so her kids are my heirs....WRONG, none of the 3 talk to me or treat me like an aunt, so why should they get anything? I made the decision last year before I had surgery how my things would go, Steve gets everything, or if he precedes me St. Judes Childrens Hospital will get it. After having cancer I can not think of a better place for all my hard earned money to go...no child should ever have to go thru this and parents certainly should not have to worry about the bills. So that will be my gift to them.

I am so thankful to Dr. Landrio for finding my cancer,  Dr. Adams for doing my surgery and Dr. Stewart for my continuing care. I know I am one of the lucky ones, and I am so grateful to be alive. Please do not waste your life, it is precious and can be gone in the blink of an eye. Don't waste time on petty things that do not matter, rejoice in the miracle of life, hug your kids, kiss your loved ones and tell everyone how much they mean to you...don't put it off or say you will do it tomorrow, tomorrow will not come for us one day. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!

Steve has been helping me water the tomatos, willow tree & japanese maple tree...

Well it sure is not as cool this morning as it was yesterday, guess it is gonna be one of those days, inside with the air conditioning on. That is ok because the last thing I want to do is yard work...the flower beds are full of weeds and need attention, but with the pain I have under my ribs that ain't happening...Steve has been watering the tomato plants, willow tree & japanese maple for me, so let the weeds grow I don't care.

Yesterday I started off doing a few little chores, but the laundry is still waiting...guess I will do a couple of loads today. Thankfully I feel pretty good this morning and I took a pain pill about an hour ago so I am getting relief from the pain I do have. I hate taking pain medication but when you have been cut breastbone to bellybutton, sometimes you have no choice. I am being very careful and do not take them on a regular basis but sometimes you just do what you have to do. All the doctors agree there is no reason for me to lay around in pain if I don't have to...it just stresses the body more and interfers with the healing process. I am just waiting for the day I feel normal again.

It is very difficult to keep pushing when you feel like crap...but I have no choice. I did not ask to get cancer but it has become my reality...I am trying to find my way and it is a bumpy ride that is for sure. I wish I could just lay down and pull the covers over me and not get up again, I am so tired of being sick everyday. Yes I said everyday, not all day but at some point everyday I feel sick. I am tired when I get up in the mornings and even the smallest chore wears me out. I have always been the kind of person that did what I wanted to when I wanted to, not do something then sit down and rest. I am exhausted all the time, even now, just sitting here writing this blog I can feel myself getting tired and a small wave of nausea just washed over me, thank goodness it passed but feeling this way sure can drag you down. I do wish for the old days when I felt good.

There are so many things I have to do, I have gotten so far behind on my housework that I am surprised the dust bunnies can stand it, I think a few of them even have asthma. I try to do something each day, but since I was sick things have been neglected. I guess I need to get off the computer and just do something before I lose all my energy...the goal today is to catch up on the laundry, unload the dishwasher and make a nice dinner. Maybe the eggplant parmeasan I didn't make the other day. That does not sound like to much to accompolish today. Plus,I will be working on the afghan while I am resting between chores...or if I get to tired I will just crochet.

Remember to always be thankful for everything you have, pray for those less fortunate, be loyal to your friends you never know when you will be the one that needs something, hug a kid, hug the furry kids, try to look at the positive things and not dwell on the negative and never give up...remember life is a precious gift, don't waste it. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!!!  :)

I still can't get used to my new "normal"....

I don't even know what "normal" feels like anymore. One day I get up and feel ok, other days I get up and feel like crap...sometimes I get fooled because for the first hour or so I feel ok and then wham, I feel awful. I have a doctor's appointment in 3 weeks but I may have to go before if this does not get better. I do not know where the nausea is coming from and the aversion to raw meat. For some reason I cannot stand to handle or cook meat. Looking at it or touching it just makes my stomach roll. I have to force myself to eat because I cannot afford to lose any weight. I am down almost 20 lbs. from my precancer weight and both doctors don't want me to lose anymore. This morning as I was getting dressed I looked down and saw my grandma's skin on my legs...geez I feel old today...I am tired, nauseated, have a pain under my left rib and I just feel like I am running out of steam. It is hard to stay upbeat when day after day the pain and feeling bad just won't go away. If I had a week that I felt good and normal it would be such a blessing. The hardest part is the look of pain in Steve's eyes when he watches helplessly while I am sick. I do not know how I am supposed to feel, but I had hoped it would be a lot better than this by now. In 2 days it will be 14 months since my surgery...so I am ready for the incision to NOT hurt anymore, it amazes me that I still have soreness in a few spots on and around my incision. I guess when Dr. Adams said it would be over a year for my healing process he really did know what he was talking about. I am not used to being so limited on my activity, before cancer I did a lot even with MS that I just can't do now. I keep trying, it is not because I don't try...I have listened to my doctors as far as any restrictions I have had, but now I am free to do anything I feel like doing. I just want to be able to vaccum the whole house at one time, I don't like having to do a room at a time, or even worse a room a day...why does pushing a vaccum cleaner around feel like I am running a marathon? I hate having to load the top rack of the dishwasher and having to rest before I can do the bottom rack and then have to rest again before washing the few items that don't go in the dishwasher. And cooking has become a chore not the pleasure it once was for me. I used to love to cook and bake, now I have to force myself into the kitchen, now I must sit to do a lot of the prep work and if there is meat on the menu that is not frozen, Steve preps it for me and these days has been cooking a lot of it for me also. The good thing is that all the fresh fruits and vegetables that are available now is great and we are also supporting our local farmers, which is a plus! I am sorry that today is not full of cheer, but honestly I am not feeling it this morning...it is just taking a long time to get over whatever this is and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am trying to remember all the good things in my life and not dwell on the other, I am so lucky to have a wonderful loving husband...I have no idea where I would be without him, he works so hard to provide for us. I love, appreciate and respect him so much, so many men would have left a long time ago...we were only married 8 months when I had my first MS episode, I thought that was going to be the biggie for me, little did I know that 15 years later my whole world would change with pancreatic cancer and lymphoma. Nothing will ever be the same again. Oh, sure life goes on and it gets a little easier as time passes but you are forever changed with cancer. It is like the ever looming boom waiting to drop, but you cannot let it overtake you, you must use all your energy to stay positive and just live and enjoy life. We are all going to die, I may just die a little sooner than some of you, that is a fact that cannot be changed. The only thing I can control is how I choose to deal with it. And I choose to go down fighting...I have not had the easiest childhood and young adulthood, I have made the usual mistakes in life that everyone else makes but I like to think that I have learned from them also. And isn't that what life is all about...a journey from which we grow and learn and hopefully become better people. I choose to finish this journey with Steve, and I will try to make it as easy for him as I can. I will never give up!!! Today I am going to try and get a couple of loads of laundry done and clean up the kitchen...then crocheting some more as the abdomen allows. Remember to be thankful for your health, the people that love you and all you have been blessed with...hug a kid, kiss a loved one, tell your friends how much they mean to you, support your friends in sickness as well as health and most importantly live life, it is the most precious gift you have been given don't waste it. Pray for all of the people that are struggling in this horrible economy or who have health issues. Smiles are free, so why not give a few away today??? Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!  :)

Coffee at 3am on the front porch just can't be beat....

The morning air is fresh and a little cooler than we have been having. It is such a wonderful way to start the day. Steve has left for work, coffee in hand to the front porch I go, Janie loves to chase the bugs the outside lights draw in and I love the sounds of the night creatures...the crickets are chirping an owl somewhere very close is hooting, you can hear the deer moving thru the woods, other than that it is quiet and peaceful. To just feel good enough to finally feel like having a morning cup of coffee is a great improvement, this is the first in almost 2 weeks and it was grand!! Yesterday I finally mustered enough energy to snap the green beans that have been in the fridge patiently waiting and cooked them with some new potatoes...may I brag and say they were the best thing I have eaten in 2 weeks? Today it is gonna be eggplant parmesan and maybe even some cupcakes. I know I can't get carried away on the sweets but just a little won't kill me and if it does at least I will be happy. I have felt so bad and then got into a little depression this past 2 weeks,  I just have to force myself to get up and do something, anything and when I can't get up and do something at least I feel like crocheting again. Making baby afghans and lap blankets has always been relaxing and fun for me...I know that when a baby gets one of the afghans I make they literally have it for life and hopefully, I will be able to make a modest amount to replace the yarn and give me a little pocket money. I hope all of my friends good luck and success in the coming week, be grateful for your health, thankful for your loved ones, hug a kid, kiss a friend and tell them they are important to you. Remember all those that are less fortunate, there is always someone who is worse off than you. Don't dwell on the negative, it will pull you down at a very vunerable time...don't depend on someone else for your happiness, it comes from within and only we have the key! Health, happiness, peace and love my friends..  :)

You can't get stuck in the tunnel....never give up...

Finally I feel like I have seen the break in the light at the end of the tunnel...I actually did not get nauseated when Steve made breakfast this morning, I don't know what it is but right now my body is going through this thing with raw meat...raw meat of any kind just turns my stomach! So when I may be able to eat, I just can't stand to handle and cook it. Thank goodness we live in a frozen food paradise, I know not the best thing in the world to eat, but when you feel like crap it is so handy to just pop something in the oven or microwave. And I just have to do what I have to do. I am feeling better today, still drained like I have been working double shifts, altho I have done basically nothing for the last 11 or so days. I have been able to eat the last 2 or 3 days so that is really helping me regain my strength and of course when you physically feel better the depression lessens...I try not to whine to much about how I feel, but there are times that it is impossible to hide it. I decided that it is ok to have a bump in the road, I just won't let myself get stuck in the ditch. I have accepted the fact that there are going to be times that I just can't do the things I am used to doing, and it will either have to wait or just not get done. I am so grateful for every blessing I have, I love my husband and my little dog Janie, remember to be thankful for your health it can mean the world of difference as to how you must do things, don't forget to find the joy in being alive, where there is life there is hope...tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, hug a kid, smile at a stranger...remember no matter how bad things may be, there is always someone who is worse off, don't get to wrapped up in yourself that you forget others. Today I am going to work on a baby afghan, that always makes me feel better...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.  :)

Inside, close-up & personal....

It seems like I have a few good days and then a few more bad days...It sure is hard trying to kick a bug these days, I guess they were not kidding when they told me I would have to be careful without my spleen. I don't want to be one of those people that wear a surgical mask in public, but darn I am starting to give it second thoughts, I don't know what or where I got this last little treat for my body, I just know I have felt like crap for over 10 days and I am so ready to feel better. I try to keep positive but it sure gets harder when you are sick and feel terrible. Every virus always conjures images of the cancer grouping together or the pancreatic cancer returning...yes I know that stress is one of the worst things for me but it is really difficult...I have been so sick that I have not been able to do anything and I really mean anything and of course the mind starts to ramble. I am feeling better today so I am looking forward to crocheting a little. I was in full swing with my blankies and then boom to sick to even sit up and crochet. Well with that behind me I am eager to start back on them. I am currently about 12 rows in on a baby afghan, I hope to have it ready for sale in a few days. Making the blankies really makes me happy and it is something beautiful to do while sitting watching tv or doing nothing. I hate to waste time and finally being able to crochet again is a blessing.  I am convinced that I can convince my body that it is feeling better and we need to get back in the groove. I refuse to go thru the surgery and everything I have been through the past year or so just to give up now. I must admit that this has been a very depressing time for me, since you lose most of your friends when you get cancer I have had to struggle to take of myself while Steve is at work. Everyone thinks that when you get out of the hospital, bam, you are back and don't need anything. I have been so sick I was unable to even get up and heat a can of soup for days, and I am so disappointed that not one person called to even ask if I needed anything. I have certainly re-thought how I am going to handle things myself from now on. I am not going to be the first to jump in and help, this past 10 days have been a lesson in the hell I have to look forward to, I will lay hungry until Steve gets home because no one has time to do anything for you, I will be unable to go to the doctor until Steve gets home...I really don't like the way this plays out that Steve is stuck with a sick wife that is not doing what she used to do and still has to work and then try to help pick up the slack, as much as I hate to admit it, there are so many things that are still very hard for me to do. It is harder to admit that I have spent my whole life doing for others and taking care of people, only to have them disappear like rats on a sinking ship. Yes I may be dying, but I hope I have a lot of life left to live and contribute. And I really wish everyone would wait until I am dead to bury and forget me. Sorry that today is not perky and cheerful, but today I am the person who has cancer and a host of other medical conditions, I don't feel well and you need to know that is part of this journey as well. Tomorrow will be a better day, I cannot afford to let myself dwell in this place, so tomorrow will be a bright new day. Remember to be grateful for all you have, hug a kid and love like there is no tomorrow...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends. :)

The scary thing about getting really sick is, what is it? Virus or cancer...

Last Thursday morning I got up at the usual 2am and thought I was going to pack Steve's lunch, well it did not exactly work out the way I had planned. Within a few minutes I was drenched in sweat, shivering with chills and throwing up. In the blink of an eye I was to sick to even stand up and was driven to bed for the next 4 days, it was just yesterday that I could keep food down and finally was able to get up and move to the living room and lay on the couch to watch a little television. I can say this has been one of the worst four days, since my cancer surgery. I could not eat, drink, get comfortable, stay cool or stay warm...sounds weird but I alternated between sweating and freezing...doctor really wanted me to go to the hospital, but I convinced her I would force fluids and she sent me some fabulous anti-nausea pills with the promise if I was not better by the next day I would revisit the idea of going to the hospital. I was lucky that Steve took great care of me and got anything I thought I could keep down, thankfully chicken broth, jell-o and watermelon have finally come to an agreement with my stomach and at last I can eat something...I feel so much better than I have the past few days and I am so thankful that I have a loving husband that tries to do everything he can for me. The most heartbreaking part is the fear in his eyes if I feel bad and the panic that was on his face Thursday, Friday, Saturday...and then the relief that came this morning when he realized that I was feeling better, a little weak but sooooo much better. I actually feel like I will be able to eat breakfast in a little while and with food will return my strength. Of course I was sworn to not do anything today, to just lay around and recouperate...and the way I still feel that is one promise that is not going to be hard to keep. I am going to spend the day eating whatever my body will tolerate, drink plenty of fluids and maybe I will work on the afghan I started before this hit me. I sure won't feel guilty about not doing housework today, but I hate to waste the day so maybe crocheting is just what I need today.  I am so thankful for my Steve, my doctors and the many blessings I have been given, please do not take life for granted it is the most precious gift that you have ever received...don't let it pass you by...live it to the fullest. When life seems difficult, remember to never give up...to give up is to lose and loosing is not a option. Hug a kid, kiss your loved ones and don't be shy to tell them how much they mean to you...it is a sweet loving gesture that we don't practice nearly enough in the crazy world, slow down and enjoy the beauty around us... My wish for every one of you is HEALTH, HAPPINESS, PEACE & LOVE my friends...

Cancer is like a "changing of the guards"....never give up there are caring people out there...

Your life will forever be changed when you get cancer. That is just the plain simple truth of the matter, it does not matter if you survive, people still treat you differently. I read a blog where all the bloggers were cancer survivors and every one of them had a story of former "friends" and how they had deserted them, quit calling, inviting them to functions, e-mailing, etc. This is a repeating story among a group of people that need their friends and family now more than ever. It is a damn shame that your "friends" don't have the stomach to talk to you about how you feel or what you may need...I have spent my whole life trying to help my friends and others, but when I got sick I saw just who my friends were and it was an eye opening day!!! For many months I hurt to much to even think about who was calling and stopping by and who wasn't...then one day after about the 20th phone call to a friend that was unanswered and the messages unanswered that it dawned on me that all my "friends" had disappeared, not just busy and had not seen for a while, but as all the other people say, they just dropped off the face of the earth. No one called to ask how I felt, if I needed a meal cooked, help with laundry or housework, a ride to the doctor, a ride to the grocery store or pharmacy(as I now have 14 prescriptions/month), if I wanted to go out for lunch or just talk...I want everybody to know, that yes we have changed and that cancer is now a part of our life but if you call yourself a friend and turn your back on a sick friend, then you are nothing but a selfish, self-centered ass!!!!! I am tired of making excuses for all my "friends", they can't take it or they love me to much to watch this, they are busy, well bullshit!! HELLO we are fighting for our lives and you are worried about your feelings, well I am sorry but frankly I don't care. The only good thing about cancer as far as I am concerned is it pushed me on the computer, then facebook and now blogging...I reconnected with lots of old school friends and classmates, and blogging gets all this off my chest. I am sorry that you have been blasted with all this today but after reading all those blogs it just made me think about the way I was treated. I now have a new group of friends, we check on each other every day on facebook, we let each other know what we are doing and what is going on in our lives, we are getting together Saturday for a picnic and we sincerely care about each other. So never give up, there are caring people out there. Be grateful for your health and loved ones...hug a kid, kiss a friend, smile at a stranger...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.

I have been busy as a bee crocheting afghans...

I hope each of you are having a great time and are doing well. I have not been blogging or on the computer for a few days because I have been busy as a bee crocheting afghans. I made a blue one for a lady and made $50 so it was worth it, I sit around a lot
and have to kinda pace my work anyways, so why not crochet while sitting and make

a little spending money? Also, I have a sick friend who I thought needed a "lap blanket" so I made her one, too! Gotta go mail it sometime today. So I guess "Blankies by Becky" may just turn into a small cottage business. Cottage being my house and my front porch. There is nothing as nice,on the porch in the rocker or swing crocheting, rather it is a small afghan for a baby or a larger one for laps or sofas. It is something that soothes the soul seeing something beautiful come together out of a piece of yarn, a stick and a crochet hook. I have always made afghans for everyone I know, so lets see if I can make a go of selling some of them. The days have been so pleasant recently it has been wonderful sitting and listening to the wildlife around me and making afghans. When I crochet I can ignore the pain I am having and instead imagine the small person who will end up with it. It makes me happy to make them and it is really making me happy now that I figured out I should sell them...go figure! duh!!
I have really been letting my housework go so I guess I will have to go and do a little before the dust bunnies take over. And of course I am starting another afghan, this one is varigated baby yarn and will be for sale in a few days. I will post it when it is done.
I hope each of you have an amazing day and be careful in the heat, stay hydrated and be safe. Remember to be thankful for your health, love you family and friends, hug a kid, kiss a friend and tell them how much they mean to you. Remember you can live life alone, but it is not nearly as much fun. Enjoy each day of your life, don't dwell on all the stuff you can't do anything about...rejoice and live life don't waste it!!!  Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.  :)