The wee morning hours are the worst...

It is true, the wee morning hours have been the worst for me. I usually get up at 2am with Steve, my husband, pack his lunch, have coffee, make sure he takes his morning pills and see him off to work. Then I am alone until the early afternoon when he gets home from work. It is in these early hours of the morning that the thoughts start to run wildly thru your mind. The main reason for this is usually there is pain to some degree when I get up in the morning, there is no one up to talk to at that time of day, it is to dark to work outside in the yard. So what is left to do? Watch tv, do housework get on the computer or think...while I agree thinking is ok, but this is like a continuous tape running in your brain. Of course I have spoken with all my doctors about my thoughts and fears, but this is very different. In the early hours alone, all the "what ifs" come creeping in, you try to occupy yourself to divert your thoughts and sometimes it works but sometimes it does not. These days most of my thoughts are about my pancreatic cancer, how lucky I am they found it, the surgery I had almost a year ago, praying it does not come back because if it does the surgeon has told me it will kill me in about 18 months. I have always acknowledged the fact that I have incurable lymphoma, but I did not know for sure until yesterday that I have non-hodgkins lymphoma...it has been almost a year and I just did not care. What difference does it make what kind of lymphoma I have anyway? The treatment is the same ct scans, bloodwork, oncologists visits, chemo if it changes, so I just did not ask what kind...until yesterday. I thought it was non-hodgkins but I was not sure. Now I have to wrap my mind around this cancer...it was bad enough to find out about the pancreatic cancer, but to get hit with a double whammy and have 2 cancers show up at the same time is pretty overwhelming. I guess that is why my mind is protecting me against myself, allowing only as much info in as I am able to deal with at the time. Everybody says they have been there or tell me how strong I am and how much courage I have. I thank each and every one of them, but what choice do I have? I can curl up in a ball and just die or I can grin and bear whatever the day brings. I have the hope that if I have a positive attitude and outlook that it will generate positive energy around me and that in turn will give me a positive outcome. And even if it does not work I would rather be positive than a basket case. I sure don't want to be remembered as the cry baby, always complaining. But it is these wee morning hours that are still giving me some trouble because it is the one time of day that the "what ifs" creep in, I am getting better at diverting them but I still must be realistic also. I have a husband and my precious little dog Janie to think about. As most cancer survivors or patients will tell you, it is not the fear of dying we are all going to die, it is the fear for our loved ones we have to leave. I know my Steve took care of himself before he met me, but not the way I take care of him and I don't have kids so my Janie is my kid, she just happens to walk on all fours. Enough for now I am going to go pack away my winter clothes, that could be my biggest project for today, at least it is going to be my diversion this morning. I hope everyone is blessed by a wonderful day and someone who truly loves them! :)

wasting time and precious energy...

Damn! Well, my husband told me I was wasting my time and I did not listen to him. Yeah, you don't know what I am talking about I know, sorry...a few weeks ago I was working in my flower beds. I posted a comment on facebook and asked if anyone wanted some hostas. An aquaintance from the old school days said she did, when I asked how many she wanted, her reply was as many as you have. Knowing I had way more than she could possibly deal with I dug up two large boxes, 1 container and a small box of hostas, probably around 50 plants. These four containers of hostas have been sitting on my front porch for the past couple of weeks and I have been watering them and moving them around to get the optimum sun they needed. Well, after weeks of nurturing what I thought were "her" plants, juggling my plants around to give room for these containers and having her say she was going to call Sunday and try to get them. This morning I get the call that she is not going to be able to get them and maybe I can share them with someone else. Easily said. I went to a lot of work to dig these plants up, add soil to the containers so they would continue to grow until transplanted, taking care of them for weeks and moving them around all day Saturday while Steve was trying to sand the porch floor. What I tried to do as a gesture of friendliness was thrown back in my face. Oh, it was done ever so politely with apologies all around, but I really don't care about the list of excuses I was given. This has been weeks of having these plants in my way, joking about them online and not have a word said until today that she no longer wants them. I know it seems that I am overreacting to this but damn it I am getting tired of having to tie a frigging pork chop around my neck to get the family dog play with me. What do you have to do in the world to just have people mean what they say and do what they say they are going to do. This was and has been a lot of hard work. And yes, I am complaining! I would not mind it if I had not had cancer surgery and still feel like crap and have a lot of pain. I mean take em and throw them away, if you said you wanted them and changed your mind. And lastly don't insult me by offering to pay me for my time!!! I did this to share something I had growing in my flower gardens and in turn save a friend a lot of money. I do not know what I keep doing wrong, but I guess I am going to start staying to myself, have light social friendships and mind my own damn business. I am tired of reaching out only to have my hand spit in!!!

Do what you can...don't worry about what you can't...

Do what you can, don't worry about the things you can not do. I used to worry about the dust on the furniture, dust bunnies under the furniture, laundry and dirty dishes. I wanted every thing to be just so, and I usually worked until everything was dusted, shined, cleaned and washed...that seems like a lifetime ago because in a way it was. My birthday may be in February but I was given a new chance at life June 4th, 2010. On that day everything in my life changed, and I do mean everything. Being a pancreatic cancer survivor has definately taught me what is really important and it is not having the cleanest house on the street. Believe me, if you are ever faced with a life threatening disease you will not think about the 2 loads of laundry in the hamper. This is the one time in your life that you will zero in on the important things. Of course you are thinking about your survival and all that, but you are also going to think about your spouse, family and friends. In my case, I don't have a lot of family but I do have a loving husband that I have been with almost 20yrs., and my biggest concern is what will happen to him if I am not around. That is what gives most cancer survivors the drive to keep going, you want to get the little things in order "just in case". Oh, I have already taken care of the will, power of attorney & living will, I did all that before surgery, I am talking about all the little things that he has come to depend on me for. I get up every morning and pack his lunch, have coffee, make sure he takes his mornings pills and see him off to work. I am here when he gets home from work every day, I cook most of our food, clean the house, do laundry and I pay our bills. This is my job and I love it. I must say that in the last year and a half I have not made as many meals from scratch, there is dust everywhere and there are a few loads of laundry to be done. But I would not trade our time just sitting on the front porch rocking, talking and being together for the cleanest house in the world...

Blue Skies & Sunshine always chase my blues away...

Have you ever noticed how "blue" you start feeling after days of gray rainy weather? You are stuck inside and can't do the things you really want to do outside and if it is raining you probably have painful joints from arthritis. I hate these kind of days, oh I know we need the rain and all that, but after weeks of rain it does get old very quick. Arthritis is acting up and you are in pain from not being able to get out and move around. The only thing to do is turn on all the lights, turn up the volumne on the tv or radio and do something. Gray days are perfect for catching up on all the nasty little jobs we have been putting off. Personally for me, it has been a long time since I have been physically able to do a lot of things, so there is never a shortage of stuff to do.  BUT nothing beats the sun shining and a beautiful blue sky to make everything seem right. I can be in pain, depressed and just not feel well, but there is just something about a beautiful day to uplift the spirit. I love to work in my flower beds and yard, with the birds singing & flying around. There is a certain peace I get in the country where I live that cannot be found other places. My husband built our house for me and I get to do pretty much what I want to in it, ok lie, I get to do whatever I want to do in it. I have spent many days sitting on my front porch rocking or swinging recouperating from surgery in the midst of a beautiful setting. The spring is such a wonderful time of year, everything is coming to life and bursting forth in beauty...sometimes it seems like you can almost see the leaves growing. To see a beautiful flower blooming, a bird teaching its fledglings how to fly and where to find yummy sunflower seeds, feeling the warm sun on your skin are all priceless. Remember to be thankful for everything you have been blessed with, your health, loved ones, home, food on your table every day, clothes and money to pay your bills. Blue skies and sunshine are in the forecast and I plan to enjoy my little piece of heaven...

Dipping your toe back into the pool of life...

You know how you always dip you toes into water before you go in, well that is sort of the way you feel after cancer surgery. Oh, the doctors, nurses, loved ones and all your other support system are assuring you that everything is ok. Well it sure does not feel ok in the beginning. At first the pain is at a level I hope none of you ever have to experience, just moving slightly will take you places you never knew. Your mind is reeling from all the pain, drugs, medical personnel, fear, hope and determination to fight for your life. I was surprised that the morning after a 6 hour major surgery, done in the afternoon, they got me out of bed. Well good thing my husband, Steve, had a hold of me because my legs sure did not want to co-operate, rubber legs don't want to hold up the body...but we made the 2 or 3 steps to the chair and sat there for a while. That was my beginning, I had just dipped my big toe back into the pool of life. That was 11 1/2  months ago...today I am at a place I could not even imagine in the beginning. Of course I have to conserve energy and pace myself, but it is remarkable how many things I can do. I choose to dwell on the things I can do and not worry about the things I cannot do right now, I am hopeful that there will come a day that I can do anything I want to do. One of the things I really missed was not being able to care for my flower beds and yard. I am glad to say that of 5 flower beds I have weeded and mulched 3...plus mowed the lawn a couple of times. And yes it hurts, but it hurts anyway...at least this way I am also getting to enjoy myself, get some fresh air, sunshine and exercise all at the same time. Plus the satisfaction of seeing my flower beds come back to life does wonders for my soul, I cannot wait until my beauties are bursting in bloom. I may still have incurable lymphoma, but I am determined to live the best life I can and enjoy everything along the way. If I sit around and mourn all that I have lost, I will miss out on all I still have.

Mother's Day has different meanings, for different people...

Everyone is eagerly awaiting Mother's day this Sunday. I am glad for everyone that has had a wonderful mother in their lives. For some of us that is not exactly the case. Oh, I have a mother, in fact I had 2...a Momma that I love with all my heart that raised me, fed me, clothed me, sent me to school, helped with homework, sat up with me when I was sick, told me about the birds and bees, saved her babysitting money to buy my class ring and all the other things Mother's do for their children. The thing is that wonderful woman was in fact my maternal grandmother. You see my biological mother, Margaret (Jack), was 17 1/2 years old when she had me. Oh I guess she tried, but when I was 6 months old she decided for whatever her reasons to give me to my grandmother and step-grandfather. These two wonderful human beings took me into their home with open arms, as if I had been born to them. They raised me like I was their child, even changing my last name and sending me to school as if I was theirs. So to be perfectly honest I am always torn at Mother's Day...yes I have a biological Mother that turned her back on me, had 2 other children, took in 2 foster children, took care of and actually had guardianship over several people from Lynchburg mental facility, helped my sister raise her kids and gave her a home even in her adult life. A mother who went 15 years one time without ever speaking to me. A mother who walked past me in the middle of Apple Blossom mall and did not even speak to me. A mother who never once sent me a birthday card, Christmas present, wedding gift, or anything else my whole life. Until the last 3 months of her life. I went to visit her in Chesapeake after she had been released from the hospital, to come home to die. What was to be a 1 week visit turned into 6 weeks...I knew she was dying and I stayed and helped care for her in the final weeks of her life. It is a shame that it was in those last 6 weeks, that my mother finally admitted to me that she had no way of making it up to me for the way she had treated me all her life and she was sorry. Well by that time I was 50 years old, I told her everything was ok, so she could die in peace...but it was not ok and it never will be ok. I can forgive her for most of the things she did to me or did not do for me, but the 1 thing I can't forget and still am stinging over was the fact that she also told me my biological father wanted her to have an abortion, she thought about it, could not do it, but thought that it would have been better for everybody if she had. So what can I say? This is the one and only time I will acknowledge her, I am going to post the only picture I have of my mother and me together as adults, this was taken around Mother's day of 2002...she passed away 7/2/2002....

Fear, Hope, Faith & Joy...

Fear, hope and faith are three things that I have a lot of. To say you do not have fear is a lie! You cannot go thru cancer of any kind, especially pancreatic cancer and not have fear. I fear it will come back, then what will I do...the only answer is die...I do not especially fear dying itself, I fear the process. I am fiercely independent, I do everything in my home and love to play in the dirt of my flower beds...these are the things I fear being taken away from me as the body shuts down. I have seen to many people, family & friends, die from cancer and it is that pain and loss of control I fear. BUT, fear is only a small part of what is happening around me, I have hope, hope for a future, hope that someday the pain will just be gone and hope the lymphoma does not group and start doing whatever it is going to do, hope that the little piece of pancreas I have left will do its job and stay healthy. I have faith in whatever will be will be...I am living in the belief that God will not give you more than you can bear. You cannot be crippled by the fear of what if, what if this, what if that...you will what if your life away and miss out on so much joy and happiness. I find joy in digging in the dirt and watching a beautiful plant grow and thrive, I find joy in sharing my plants with friends and having them enjoy their beauty. I enjoy the feeling of warm sunshine on my face. I love watching my little dog play, I love just walking around my yard and "looking" at everything. I am patiently waiting for my tomatoes to bear fruit, my mouth is watering for that first tomato sandwich of the summer! It is a process, learning how to do the balancing act, deal with every emotion, just don't let any one overwhelm you. If you need help ask for it, that has been one of the hardest things for me to do. Remember today is the first day of the rest of your life, make it a good one...one you can be proud of!

just rambling...

Today I have a few things on my mind and I decided to blog, instead of posting on facebook. For me facebook has been a way of reconnecting with old friends, classmates and co-workers, along the way I have been fortunate enough to make some really great new friends. What confuses me is why do people "friend" you on facebook? Is it for the greatest number of friends, because you have something in common, or because it is someone you know? Some of my friendships on facebook are blossoming and growing, while others are just sucking the air right out of me...I have fought cancer, am dealing with the fact that I still have cancer and there is nothing I can do about it, but not allow it to take my joy in life away. I will admit there are days that I am depressed, when I don't feel well or when the fear creeps in, but I have always been able to pull myself together and go on. BUT the thing that amazes me is why do people "friend" you, only to ignore you? Ignore every message, post, photo or whatever you say to them, why in the hell do you waste your space and my space and time? I understand that sometimes we do not agree with what others say or post on our walls, but if you are going to friend a person then don't be so freaking RUDE! Rude, rude, rude yes I said rude. If you do not want to be friends with someone, don't "friend" them in the first place. Every person that I have sent an invitation to I knew, some better than others but I know everybody on my friends list. I am thinking strongly about "unfriending" some people. I think it may be easier, to get over them not being in my life anymore and avoid the ones that are still snobs after all these years...as they say out of sight out of mind. Don't get me wrong this rant is only because of a few people, I love my facebook friends and the connections we have, but I am tired of reaching out to some, only to return with an empty hand every time. To some, I have been a better friend to you than to be treated this way, and to the snobs, well you are no better than I am, you have your weaknesses and faults along with the rest of us...come on down to earth and join the rest of us peons! I am a good person, loyal to my family & friends, I love my husband and my little dog, I am always available to my friends I have not turned my back on one of them yet....Ahhhhhh, now I feel better...