The wee morning hours are the worst...

It is true, the wee morning hours have been the worst for me. I usually get up at 2am with Steve, my husband, pack his lunch, have coffee, make sure he takes his morning pills and see him off to work. Then I am alone until the early afternoon when he gets home from work. It is in these early hours of the morning that the thoughts start to run wildly thru your mind. The main reason for this is usually there is pain to some degree when I get up in the morning, there is no one up to talk to at that time of day, it is to dark to work outside in the yard. So what is left to do? Watch tv, do housework get on the computer or think...while I agree thinking is ok, but this is like a continuous tape running in your brain. Of course I have spoken with all my doctors about my thoughts and fears, but this is very different. In the early hours alone, all the "what ifs" come creeping in, you try to occupy yourself to divert your thoughts and sometimes it works but sometimes it does not. These days most of my thoughts are about my pancreatic cancer, how lucky I am they found it, the surgery I had almost a year ago, praying it does not come back because if it does the surgeon has told me it will kill me in about 18 months. I have always acknowledged the fact that I have incurable lymphoma, but I did not know for sure until yesterday that I have non-hodgkins lymphoma...it has been almost a year and I just did not care. What difference does it make what kind of lymphoma I have anyway? The treatment is the same ct scans, bloodwork, oncologists visits, chemo if it changes, so I just did not ask what kind...until yesterday. I thought it was non-hodgkins but I was not sure. Now I have to wrap my mind around this cancer...it was bad enough to find out about the pancreatic cancer, but to get hit with a double whammy and have 2 cancers show up at the same time is pretty overwhelming. I guess that is why my mind is protecting me against myself, allowing only as much info in as I am able to deal with at the time. Everybody says they have been there or tell me how strong I am and how much courage I have. I thank each and every one of them, but what choice do I have? I can curl up in a ball and just die or I can grin and bear whatever the day brings. I have the hope that if I have a positive attitude and outlook that it will generate positive energy around me and that in turn will give me a positive outcome. And even if it does not work I would rather be positive than a basket case. I sure don't want to be remembered as the cry baby, always complaining. But it is these wee morning hours that are still giving me some trouble because it is the one time of day that the "what ifs" creep in, I am getting better at diverting them but I still must be realistic also. I have a husband and my precious little dog Janie to think about. As most cancer survivors or patients will tell you, it is not the fear of dying we are all going to die, it is the fear for our loved ones we have to leave. I know my Steve took care of himself before he met me, but not the way I take care of him and I don't have kids so my Janie is my kid, she just happens to walk on all fours. Enough for now I am going to go pack away my winter clothes, that could be my biggest project for today, at least it is going to be my diversion this morning. I hope everyone is blessed by a wonderful day and someone who truly loves them! :)