My audience now includes: United States, Germany, India, Canada, France, South Korea & Slovenia...I am so flattered!!

I am very flattered that so many people are reading my blog. Initially I started writing it to get stuff off my chest and to sort of leave a diary for Steve when I die. I thought that he could read what was going on in my head and still have a link to me through this blog, now I am finding that other people are reading it and my one wish is it will give someone hope.

To have people in six countries plus the United States read what I have to write is really mind blowing, who would have thought??? Karen & Pat???? It was those two friends that first suggested I should write a blog, boy were they right...thanks girls! I am just writing what I feel when I sit down at the computer, sometimes I am irritated and it is a wonderful release to just write it out. I am telling you about the good days, the bad days and what I am going through as a pancreatic cancer survivor and a person with non-hodgekins lymphoma. Some of it is boring and everyday, some of it is more interesting...I hope.

This morning has sort of thrown me for a loop. Reading the obituraries...there is a beautiful little 4 year old boy who died from cancer...talk about giving you a case of survivors guilt, if that doesn't do it believe me nothing will. I am always reading or hearing about this person or that person dying from cancer and of course you think why was I spared? It is especially difficult when it is someone so young, but little Gary Key was a baby, he was only 4 years old! And just think how much of his little life was affected by his cancer, it is just heart breaking...I don't care if you have never met them you cannot help but be affected by his death. I know many people much younger and that have children and grandchildren, why them and not me? I have read many blogs by people who have lost someone to pancreatic cancer and many of them say that they look at the survivors and wonder why they lived and their loved one didn't.

The message that I really want out in the universe is that you must enjoy your life like it is the last day. Treasure all the people that you love and care about, be thankful for your health, you will never know how important it is until you have a medical issue,
have compassion for those less fortunate, think of others and remember there is always someone worse off than you.

Thank every one of the folks that take time out of their day to read my blogs...I am truly flattered that you take time out of your day to read what I have to say. It is like a good therapy session for me. It allows my thoughts to come out and it is a diary for Steve.

Positive thoughts = positive energy, let's rock the world!!!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends....  :)

Mammogram, Bone Density Scan & Blood Work (4 tubes) done...met a really nice woman...

Geez yesterday was certainly busy. I went to the Diagnostic Center and had a mammogram and a bone density scan, then to Lab Corp for bloodwork for my doctor's appointment next week. You know how coincidences happen? Well yesterday they reversed the order of my tests. I was scheduled to have the mammogram first, but had the bone scan first. After the scan the tech took me to the dressing room to change and wait for my mammogram...instead of one of those two techs doing my mammogram, another lady from the next area came over and got me and said "come with me I am going to do your mammogram". Well of course when I open my gown there is my scar, from breastbone to bellybutton, she asked what had happened...long story short she has breast cancer stage 4, spread to her lungs & neck. She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I will never forget her beautiful smile and sweet dimples. Here she is worrying about me and she is going through so much herself. For those of you that do not know there is NO stage 5 in cancer.

I feel blessed to have met such a sweet person, actually I have met a few really nice people recently. It is like some people are drawn to me, they actually come over to me and strike up a conversation and then one thing leads to another. I have even exchanged phone numbers with a couple of people, and believe me I will not forget Carla from yesterday...as I said earlier she had the sweetest smile and dimples, when she smiled her whole face just twinkled. I do not know why I was supposed to meet her but I do know that there was some divine intervention at work yesterday, meeting her and talking with her was just what I needed.

I have been feeling a little icky recently and I hope my doctor's appointment next week goes ok...these days I question all the bad feelings I have, you just never know what is going on. I try to avoid sick people, no spleen makes me more likely to get sick so I am more careful these days. But you always wonder if it is the lymphoma acting up. I really hope not because if it changes I will have to do chemo and I am NOT looking forward to that. I don't care how many improvements they have made with it. I know it still makes you feel like crap and then there is the thing they told me about it won't cure me, it will just prolong my life for a little while. So I don't know if it is really worth it or not. We will see when the time comes. One reason I am just a little concerned is I found out yesterday that I have lost another 5 lbs. and I am not trying to loose weight...I am trying to hold the weight I have. So may I say to all my dear friends that think you have to loose every "extra" pound you may have...Thank God I had a few "extra" pounds when this all started, or I would look like a stick with hair, which is kinda what I look like now. lol

Well it rained overnight and it is around 60 degrees so I am going to go restart my day by having a cup of tea on the front porch. My front porch has become one of my favorite places to be. I have always loved having a full length covered porch, but I must say I have enjoyed it more in the past 14 months...I guess I slowed down and took time to smell the roses. Cancer does that to you...you definately rearrange the things that are important to you and you are happy to drop the things that make you unhappy. For once in my life I am trying to put myself first, which has always been hard for me. I have always been seeking the family I did not have.

I think some of us are born caregivers, it takes a different kind of person to want to take care of others...I don't care if it is nursing someone that is sick, cooking a meal for a sick or injured friend or just being a truly nice and giving person. I have in one sense or another been a caregiver since I was a young child...my Momma got sick when I was around 11 or 12 and I remember helping her even back then. It has always made me feel good to do something for someone and I think that is where I get it from. So this "shoe on the other foot" has come as a stinging blow.

My wish for all of you is to be thankful for your health, all the blessings you have and the people that love and care about you. Live your life to the fullest, don't waste the most precious gift you have ever received...hug a kid, kiss a loved one and tell them how much they mean to you, remember you may not have the chance later.

Positive thoughts = positive energy, let's rock the world!!! 

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

Looks can be deceiving...

Looks really can be deceiving, when I have the energy I sometimes get the bare minerals make-up and mascara out, and wa-la...I look pretty good, sorta by nature because the bare minerals is made of a mineral compound. No seriously, if you look good you feel good, so I have been trying to spruce up every once in a while. When you are a housewife make-up is not used as much as when you have to go to the office every day, and trust me I enjoy that too. Since my surgery last year my coloring has improved greatly anyway, so when I do use a little make-up it makes me look healthy and sometimes even glowing, and I must admit that it does make me feel better sometimes...Looking pale and sick is not a good look for anybody, so I say if you can do something that makes you feel better and it does not hurt anyone else, then go for it!
Use any trick you can for the mind to think you feel good.

I am bringing up the looks can be deceiving because of something someone said to me last week. I met a very nice lady and we were talking...in the course of our conversation I told her I had had pancreatic cancer surgery 14 months ago and have  MS, non-hodgkins lymphoma, diabetes, a-fib, hi blood pressure & underactive thyroid...I left some illnesses out because they are to numerous to list...and her mouth dropped open, she could not believe that I was walking around with all this stuff going on in my body and looked as good as I did. I would like everyone to remember that with a little make-up and mascara someone that feels like crap can put forth the appearance of looking good. So remember, that person that you are loosing patience with at the store, may be someone just like me or someone a whole lot worse off than me, and you would never know just by looking at them. Just a little food for thought the next time you are fuming because someone is holding you up and taking what you think is too much time...

Yesterday I had a lot of big plans for all the chores I was gonna do, well I got about half of them done.  It is amazing how quick my energy is zapped these days. I did get most of the laundry done and changed the bed, but no macaroni salad or fried chicken. By dinner time last night I was so drained and felt a little icky, so it was leftover pulled pork sandwiches to the rescue. I did sit on the front porch and enjoy the nice day most of the day yesterday...so I did get a lot of fresh air and a little sun (vitamin D). And of course Janie had a good time playing in the yard and running back to give me some doggie kisses and rest every once in a while. So I may not have gotten much housework done but I sure did enjoy the day.

This morning is especially nice, I had a cup of coffee on the porch at around 3am and it is really nice out there this morning. The temps must be in the low 60's or high 50's  and were just perfect for rocking and having that 2nd cup of coffee. I guess I will try to do some chores today, I am not sure how much I am gonna do we will see as the day goes on. For sure I am gonna clean up the kitchen and then the rest will have to take its chances getting done. :) Who knows, if it is really nice I may just spend another day on the porch rocking and swinging.

Okay, time to go eat breakfast so I can take my morning handful of pills...I may cheat this morning and have waffles, sounds good to me I will have fresh strawberries with them that way half of breakfast will be healthy ;) Please remember to be grateful for your health, you will never know what a treasure you have until a serious illness or disease hits you, be thankful for the people that love and care about you, hug a kid, hug & kiss a friend, tell those you love how much they mean to you...do not wait until tomorrow remember tomorrow will not come for some of us one day.

Positive thoughts=positive energy, let's rock the world!!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

I wish Cancer Treatment Centers of America would change their commercials...

Janie thinks so too!

I am so tired of everytime they have a commercial it is a person with pancreatic cancer, saying how, when they say they have pancreatic cancer people think they are going to die...Let's get this straight people...all of us are going to die, some of us a little sooner than others, but death is something that does not discriminate...it comes for us all in the end. It is not something to fear as it is a natural part of the life cycle. And no, I am not "so strong" I have just accepted it. That does not mean I like it, because I sure as hell do not, but I am not afraid of it either. The dying process scares me a lot more than dying...but I choose to live my life, not sit around worrying about how much time I have...remember it is the quality of life, not the quantity of life that really counts.

Speaking of the quality of life, this morning is absolutely fabulous...it must be around 60 degrees, the little night creatures are making their noises, I can hear the deer moving around in the woods and other than that it is quiet. No cars are moving around yet and the dogs are sleeping so there is a peacefulness in the early morning hours that you just don't get during the day. To me this is a very special time of the day, I love it when it is nice enough to have a cup of coffee on the front porch and watch the day start to awaken. When I do this, it is surprising what it does for my mood and overall feeling. The little things are the best, sitting on my swing or better laying on it or sitting in the rocking chair just soaking it all in...love it, love it, love it.

Today I am going to try and catch up with the laundry, only a couple of loads to do so that should be easy...in fact I have washed, dried and folded one load, washed a second and have it in the dryer already. I am thinking about fried chicken for dinner, maybe I'll make some macaroni salad, too...leftovers, hmmm-great idea! If I go ahead and make the macaroni salad this morning it will be great by dinner time...I may even try to change the bed, but we will see on that one, either today or tomorrow. Nothing like fresh laundered sheets for a good nights sleep though, so maybe I will push for today. I have not been sleeping very well so maybe it will help for a night. Plus I am definately going to finish the baby afghan I have been working on, like forever...I am so close that it won't take very long to finish it up, about 1/2 row, then one row of single crochet and it is done and ready for sale. So that is definately a must for today, I want to start the next one...for my friend Sandy's grandson due in September. :)

Okay time to go eat breakfast and take my morning handful of pills. Remember to be thankful for your health, the people that love and care about you and everything you have been blessed with. So many people are struggling these days, let us remember them and pray things get better for them! And remember there is always someone that has it worse than you do, so don't become so self involved that you fail to see the suffering and struggles of others...  Live life, don't waste it.

Positive thoughts=positive energy, let's fill the world with it!!!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends... :)

A few good days...even made a new friend...

I have not been blogging for a few days but I have been okay. I got up Friday and did not feel especially good but I had not been out grocery shopping for weeks, so I decided to just go for it. My friend, Sandy, had stopped by Thursday afternoon and cut my hair so I was "all spruced up", I decided to put a little makeup on, to give the appearance of a healthy glow and even threw in some mascara...so I was "looking good" hahaha 

I was just kinda looking around Walmart and this lady named Linda came up to me and said "Hi, I really like your haircut, it's so cute. Do you mind if I ask, do you have thin hair"? That is how the conversation started...she was very nice and one thing led to another and we probably talked for a good 30 - 45 minutes. And as we were parting to continue our shopping she said she "would love to get together and just talk for a day", so we exchanged our phone numbers and hopefully will get together one day say for lunch or something. I am definately into making some new friends and she seems nice and is around my age so who knows...maybe I was at the right place at the right time. 

I was doing my shopping in the early morning which is my favorite time to shop. Sorry to say this but the mother's are not out with their screaming running children when you go early. Mostly there are the "old farts" like me in there and I have a nodding aquaintance with most of them, some of us have progressed to a short casual exchange. So for me grocery shopping kills many birds with one stone. And I had missed it for a few weeks, thankfully I have Steve who had been getting the groceries while I was sick, but I do enjoy doing my own shopping when I can.  The beautiful roses that are shown in this blog, were 18 roses for 1/2 price=$5.00...so how could I leave them in the store, they were begging me to bring them home and enjoy their beauty and that is exactly what I am doing...they are beautiful and I love looking at them. One of the many benefits of going early.  I think I have a gene for loving flowers, every female on my grandmothers side has it. :)

Friday I decided to bite the bullet and make Carolina spicy pulled pork in the slow cooker...well you all know about this raw meat thing I have had going on recently...so putting the dry rub on Friday night was pretty gross, but I got over the nausea in about 30 minutes so it was not that bad. I let the pork marinate with the dry rub overnight so Saturday morning I had to handle ickier raw meat...but holding my breath and handling it as little as possible I was able to get it into the slow cooker and the rest as they say was culinary history.  Not bragging but it is the best pulled pork around, served on a grilled bun with a little cole slaw...yum, yum! Plus since it is a 5lb shoulder there are plenty of leftovers. We are having them today and one day later in the week and I have three containers in the freezer. I have to start thinking ahead and when I cook make extra and freeze it for the days I do not feel well. Duh!, guess I should have been doing that like forever. I may have been a little slow on the uptake but I got it now. My frozen dinners will be better for us than the store bought ones. And I am not knocking them either, believe me they have saved me many times these last couple of years. There are many days I just cannot cook.

Okay, enough for now...I must go eat some breakfast and take my morning handful of pills that keep me going, geez wish there was another way to feel ok instead of a pill for this and a pill for that, but right now I have no choice...I value every day I have had and I appreciate the wonders of life. Remember to be thankful for everything you have been blessed with, the people that love and care about you, your health, the ability to buy food and pay your bills...many are struggling every day just to feed their family let's remember them. 

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome...

Blackberry cobbler may not be on the diabetic diet, but damn it was good...

Steve went to West Virginia this weekend and helped friends of ours do some major repairs to their bathroom...and as they say no good deed goes unpaid, I was sent zucchini, yellow & white squash, cucumbers and half of a delicious blackberry cobbler. So yesterday when I went to the store I picked up some vanilla ice cream which goes perfectly with the cobbler. The way my appetite has been going lately, I am not going to worry about a little cobbler and ice cream. I will gladly eat anything that does not make me feel like I have to throw up.

Today is looking pretty nice, it is gonna be hard to get motivated to clean and do chores inside, I am more inclined to go sit on the front porch and finish my afghan. I am putting the border on it and it will be done. It is hard to tell which way the wind will blow me, I don't really make plans anymore I just sorta go with the flow. And with the temps better, not as much humidity, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, traffic is moving around with people getting to work, the squirrels are running around in the yard playing and of course Janie is checking everything out in the yard this morning...I don't know, I may just have to go out for a few hours anyway.

Ok gonna go for now, I need to take something out of the freezer for dinner and decide what to do today, one thing for sure I am not going to do to much, I have a nagging pain under my ribs this morning so motivation is gonna be hard to get.

Be thankful for your health, the people that love you and everything you have been blessed with. Live your life don't waste it, it is the most precious gift you have been given!  Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome....

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...  :)

Spent the afternoon sitting under the trees at the picnic table...

Yep, I took a shower, went to the store and picked up a few things. When I got home I put the groceries and prescriptions away, by that time Steve was home. Well needless to say it was a pleasant afternoon in the edge of our woods, where the picnic table is. So instead of cleaning up the kitchen, doing laundry or any of the many chores I could have been doing...I got a cold drink and went out and spent the afternoon sitting under the trees, at the picnic table with Steve, watching the squirrels and birds playing in the woods. It was such a pleasant relaxing afternoon, there was a little breeze that took the edge off the heat and being in the shaded woods was great. And I had some good quality time with Steve just doing nothing...

This morning I got up at my usual 2am, sorry but that is the schedule of a service person...gotta do the work when the buildings are unoccupied. I have cleaned up the kitchen and am waiting for a load of laundry to finish so I can run the dishwasher. I hope to at least vaccum but I don't know I am running out of steam, so this may be a light work day...I have decided that I cannot do as much as I might want to, if I push myself to hard I will just pay for it later. Having cancer does suck your energy faster than if you didn't have it. You would think after 14 months I would be used to it by now, but I don't think you ever get used to it, you just come to an agreement with it.

At least I can crochet some today, maybe even finish the current baby afghan I am making...if I don't sell them as I make them, there is a craft show before Christmas and I may get a table and sell them there! :) That would be good to, Christmas cash would be grand. Any cash would be grand.

Speaking of money, I am going to talk to my primary doctor when I go her about "disability"...someone asked me if I was getting ss disability and I told them no, I did not consider myself "disabled" and they laughed...laughed right in my face...not being mean, but because I didn't consider my disabled. They pointed out all the medical issues I have and how my health issues interfere with my day to day living. I don't want to be a sponge on an already stressed program, but with all the benefits that even illegal aliens get, I think I am going to check into it...I sure worked all my life and paid into social security and medicare just like everybody else...so if I am qualified to receive it I am going to apply for it.

Ok, laundry in the dryer and the dishwasher is washing. I guess it is time to get off the computer and fix breakfast so I can take my handful of morning pills. Then I am going to move to the front porch and enjoy the day awakening. I love the early morning hours, it is quiet except for the night creatures...crickets are chirping, birds are singing and the sun is just beginning to break on the horizon...hope it is gonna be a good day, calling for some possible showers today and that's ok we can use it.

As always be thankful for your health and your loved ones...hug a kid, tell a friend how much they mean to you, be kind and don't dwell on yourself there is someone worse off, think of those less fortunate and smile...it could be the only kindness someone sees today.  Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome...

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends! :)

It's Monday morning...starting a new week...

Here we are beginning a new week. I got up at 2am with Steve this morning, and let me tell you that is not the time to be making Hillshire Farm Roast beef sandwiches, especially if your stomach is a little on the so so side. When the aroma of all the garlic and spices assault your senses at that time of the morning is a little overwhelming. Thank goodness Steve wrapped it up for me and saved me from it...I guess he is gonna be eating turkey & chicken for a while. :) 

This morning has been very pleasant, the air is a bit cooler than the past few days, there is a gentle breeze and a lot less humidity. I guess the days are gonna be hot but right now it is really nice out. I enjoy sitting on my front porch on mornings like this and have a second cup of coffee and maybe crochet a little. I have had to slow down on the crocheting because it is hurting my scar a little, so I have to do a few rows and put it down for a little bit and then I can go back and do a few more. Sure will be glad when all the pain and soreness is gone...it is amazing how much some places still ache even after all this time. Guess eventually it will go away!

With the start of a new week I hope everyone has an amazing week, remember to be thoughtful of others, thankful for your health, your home, the clothes you wear, the food you eat everyday, remember some people are not lucky enough to eat everyday.
Be grateful for the people that you love and think of those less fortunate.

This week we should all pray for the government to get their act together and find a solution to the economic woes, unemployment and all the other problems we have.  They are making our country look weak and foolish. I think they are well compensated to do their jobs...so what is the problem? In a democracy it is supposed to be compromise, where are any of these guys compromising on anything but their own salary increases. They need to cut the bull, do their jobs and quit whining about it.

Ok enough of that, I am going to go do a load of laundry and straighten up a little. Maybe today I will get to work on the afghan some more, I am down to 5 rows on the stick which is what hurts and then put the border on it and it is done!! Yeah!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

I slept, snacked and crocheted most of the day Saturday...

Well at least we got a little rain, but now it is humid as a sauna out there this morning. I hate hot humid days, those are the ones that drive me indoors with the air conditioning on. It seems that the humid days just drain my energy and strength...and it takes forever to get motivated to do anything. Hopefully as the sun comes up the humidity will go away too. 

Hopefully, Steve will be home soon, he went to West Virginia yesterday to help a friend rework a bathroom. That is one of the drawbacks of having someone that can do anything...when something goes wrong everyone knows who to call. But really I don't mind these are good friends and it will save them a boatload of money. I took advantage of him being gone yesterday and just slept and snacked pretty much all day. I did some work on the baby afghan I am making, I have about 12 rows and the border and it will be done. Guess I will do some more work on it today, maybe even come close to fininishing it...depending on how much I can do today.

I really wish I could come up with something good to cook...I am tired of the same old thing and need a new taste sensation, guess I am going to have to put the old thinking cap on. It would really help if I did not have this aversion to raw meat. I have no idea where it came from, but for quite a while now I have this thing with raw meat. I can eat some of it, if Steve cooks it or preps it for me. I guess I should be grateful for all the frozen things I can get and cook, but they are just not the same as homemade. Hmmm.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, remember to be thankful for your health, the people that you love and everything you have been blessed with. No matter what problems you have believe me there are others worse off than you, if people stopped thinking just about themselves the world would be a better place...don't be a fake friend you either are or you aren't...I have found that some of my "friends" turned out to be "people I know" instead and that is ok, because we do get to choose our friends and I am definately better off without some of mine. Being sick does give you that time you need to really sort things out. Most think being a friend is "doing" something for you but that is not what it is all about, if you don't care enough to pick up the phone and call and just say hi, how are you doing?...then you are not a friend, you are a person I know and I know a lot of people.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends. :)

I am tired of being told to "get out of that house"...I love my home, it is my haven...

I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings with my blog, but I do want everyone to remember that I started this blog to vent and also to give my opinion on living with cancer or whatever I felt like writing about. Yesterday's blog was not taken very well by someone I know and I got a personal message reprimanding me for it.

I was told I might benefit from a support group and they have such a large family they do not have time to do anything for me. Well first let me say that I have not called and asked her for help so I do not know what that is all about. Also, it was pointed out that she was tired of me trying to make her feel guilty for not helping me...again, I made a general statement, that is true...my friends have stopped calling and Steve is the one person that I count on. I have friends that I know I can call if I need them, but so far I have not had to do that. I am trying to be self-sufficent and do everything I can, it may be slower but I manage. I was also told to get out of "that" house, well that is all well and good, but I would ask do you really want me on the highway driving while I am taking medication for pain and anxiety, am dizzy and have double vision? Perhaps you think that is a good idea, but personally I do not.

I love my home...I have everything that I need and want. Steve works very hard to make things comfortable for me and take care of us. I really am not worried about getting out much. I have never been the window shopping kind of person, if I can't afford it I am not going to go look at bunch of stuff I can't buy, with the MS my vision makes it "unusual" being in a different enviroment, so what may be fun for you is confusion and nervewracking for me, that is why I like to stay home. From lounging on the front porch to just watching tv, I can do what I want to do when I want to do it, be comfortable and in control.

I am sorry but I will continue to write what I have on my mind, I am not forcing anyone to read this blog but I am sharing in the cancer community. For those of you that are not aware, my story just mirrors about 95% of the stories you read and share on
 the cancer sites. Most of the survivors and those still fighting are having the same experiences I am having. I have always tried to be supportive of my family and friends and I will continue to do so because that is my genetic makeup...but I also have to take care of myself and sometimes that is venting about the things that are bothering me. I cannot control so many of the medical things wrong with my body, but I can release the tensions that build up because of it.

Just because I have a few down days does not mean that I find no joy in life. I actually have a really good life, I appreciate the value of life and how quickly it can disappear, I value the days I feel good, I love my husband Steve and my little dog Janie...my world is good. I just happen to have cancer. I have to live with that fact and not let it rule my world anymore than it does. Yes a lot has changed, but I am still the same person...I cry when someone hurts my feelings, I have fear of what the lymphoma is going to do to me, I bleed when I cut myself and I dream of a future. I still have a lot to give and a lot of life to live and I intend to enjoy as much of it as I can.

I am going to go sit on the front porch and watch the sun come up, it is nice and cool this morning, the night sounds are soothing...sounds like the perfect place to have another cup of coffee and start the day. My sister always refers to my house as sort of a mountain retreat and in many ways she is right...it certainly is my retreat and I love it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Remember to be grateful for your health, your loved ones, the home you live in, the food you eat and everything you have been blessed with. Hug a kid, kiss a loved one...always let the people you love know how much they mean to you. Live life don't waste it, it is the most precious gift you will ever receive. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

Smiles are free, so why not give a few away today? :)

I don't know where the expression "dog days of summer" really comes from, but I would have called it the "turtle days of summer"...the last few weeks all I have been able to do is stick my head out the door and then right back in, more like a turtle to me. I cannot take the heat and at the same time I have to wear a sweater in the air conditioning...go figure, I am not even trying to figure my body out anymore, there is too much going on in there for me to control any of it anyways. I do the best I can, I eat as much and as well as my body allows, I rest pretty much all the time...no energy at all these days, and I plug along each day.

I have found that my crocheting has been the biggest diversion for me so far. I do not feel like dragging out the sewing machine and sewing, so I can whip out the old crochet hook and a skein of yarn and wala, afghans...any color any size. I am even thinking about making a card to put up and give out, maybe I could get some orders and make a little money for them instead of giving them away all the time. Oh, I don't mind giving them away...I just got my feelings hurt in May, asked someone I knew who was pregnant to stop by and get her afghan, long story short I have not seen or heard from her...so I gave it to someone else a couple of weeks ago. After that I decided to just make and sell them, that way I don't get my feelings hurt...

There seems to be very little that you can control but you can control your actions. I have found that after cancer people treat you completely different. I think a lot of people would like to see an isolation island and just ship us there, so we don't interfere with your lives and time. I would like everyone to know I may have cancer, but I am still very much alive. I have bad days and weeks and I deal with them alone, except for my husband Steve. I don't ask anyone to do anything for me, because I am tired of being let down or lied to...but just remember not to ask me to do anything for you anymore, because now I do not have the time for you either...all my time and energy are going to be used to fight my cancer and help those who deserve it.

It is funny how people that I have reconnected with from my past have been more supportive than my so-called friends down the street. I know that facebook gets a bad rap on some fronts, but it has been wonderful for me. I have gotten back in touch with old friends and classmates and gave me company when I was sick and alone. My facebook family is always there with a comforting word, encouragement and kudos when things go great. I can share with them and have the sense of release that a good therapy session would do. Everyone has something they are going thru, illness, disease, sick children, financial difficulties, family problems whatever, none of us are immune to the heartaches of life. Remember to be kind to those less fortunate, appreciate the wonderous gift of life and your health, hug a kid, kiss your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you.

Remember smiles are free, so why not give a few away today? :)

Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome...

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!!!  :)


Janie sending a smile! :)



Pancreatic cancer surgery was 14 months ago today...

It is amazing that it has been 14 months since I had surgery. I must admit that this has been one of the most difficult years of my life, both physically and mentally. If you don't keep a tight grip on yourself it is very easy to just let depression take over and then you are in a whole new world of trouble...because depression will eat you alive and make you think of crazy things. Believe me you have your plate full just healing after surgery, you don't have the energy for depression.

I always thought that I would have heart disease and that is what I would die of, hopefully at an old age...my grandmother, mother, sister, aunts and cousins all have/had heart disease, oh I have a-fib, high blood pressure and high cholesterol but not the problems they all have or had. No one that is blood related to me had cancer so that really was not a large concern for me...haha, that joke was on me!!! I guess it was like everything else when it came to my blood relatives, I have always been the odd person out, not really belonging anywhere, not quite like them, and sure as hell not accepted by them. Guess that is why most of them refer to me as the "black sheep" of the family.

Actually, my aunts, cousins, brother, nieces and nephews that are blood related don't even know that I had cancer surgery or that I have NH lymphoma. They have not spoken to me in years, most of them since my grandmother died, a few had been in touch from time to time over the years but not in the last 20 yrs. or so...The only reason any of them will be sorry when I die is they will not be getting anything in the will. My sister always tells everybody I have no children so her kids are my heirs....WRONG, none of the 3 talk to me or treat me like an aunt, so why should they get anything? I made the decision last year before I had surgery how my things would go, Steve gets everything, or if he precedes me St. Judes Childrens Hospital will get it. After having cancer I can not think of a better place for all my hard earned money to go...no child should ever have to go thru this and parents certainly should not have to worry about the bills. So that will be my gift to them.

I am so thankful to Dr. Landrio for finding my cancer,  Dr. Adams for doing my surgery and Dr. Stewart for my continuing care. I know I am one of the lucky ones, and I am so grateful to be alive. Please do not waste your life, it is precious and can be gone in the blink of an eye. Don't waste time on petty things that do not matter, rejoice in the miracle of life, hug your kids, kiss your loved ones and tell everyone how much they mean to you...don't put it off or say you will do it tomorrow, tomorrow will not come for us one day. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!

Steve has been helping me water the tomatos, willow tree & japanese maple tree...

Well it sure is not as cool this morning as it was yesterday, guess it is gonna be one of those days, inside with the air conditioning on. That is ok because the last thing I want to do is yard work...the flower beds are full of weeds and need attention, but with the pain I have under my ribs that ain't happening...Steve has been watering the tomato plants, willow tree & japanese maple for me, so let the weeds grow I don't care.

Yesterday I started off doing a few little chores, but the laundry is still waiting...guess I will do a couple of loads today. Thankfully I feel pretty good this morning and I took a pain pill about an hour ago so I am getting relief from the pain I do have. I hate taking pain medication but when you have been cut breastbone to bellybutton, sometimes you have no choice. I am being very careful and do not take them on a regular basis but sometimes you just do what you have to do. All the doctors agree there is no reason for me to lay around in pain if I don't have to...it just stresses the body more and interfers with the healing process. I am just waiting for the day I feel normal again.

It is very difficult to keep pushing when you feel like crap...but I have no choice. I did not ask to get cancer but it has become my reality...I am trying to find my way and it is a bumpy ride that is for sure. I wish I could just lay down and pull the covers over me and not get up again, I am so tired of being sick everyday. Yes I said everyday, not all day but at some point everyday I feel sick. I am tired when I get up in the mornings and even the smallest chore wears me out. I have always been the kind of person that did what I wanted to when I wanted to, not do something then sit down and rest. I am exhausted all the time, even now, just sitting here writing this blog I can feel myself getting tired and a small wave of nausea just washed over me, thank goodness it passed but feeling this way sure can drag you down. I do wish for the old days when I felt good.

There are so many things I have to do, I have gotten so far behind on my housework that I am surprised the dust bunnies can stand it, I think a few of them even have asthma. I try to do something each day, but since I was sick things have been neglected. I guess I need to get off the computer and just do something before I lose all my energy...the goal today is to catch up on the laundry, unload the dishwasher and make a nice dinner. Maybe the eggplant parmeasan I didn't make the other day. That does not sound like to much to accompolish today. Plus,I will be working on the afghan while I am resting between chores...or if I get to tired I will just crochet.

Remember to always be thankful for everything you have, pray for those less fortunate, be loyal to your friends you never know when you will be the one that needs something, hug a kid, hug the furry kids, try to look at the positive things and not dwell on the negative and never give up...remember life is a precious gift, don't waste it. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!!!  :)

I still can't get used to my new "normal"....

I don't even know what "normal" feels like anymore. One day I get up and feel ok, other days I get up and feel like crap...sometimes I get fooled because for the first hour or so I feel ok and then wham, I feel awful. I have a doctor's appointment in 3 weeks but I may have to go before if this does not get better. I do not know where the nausea is coming from and the aversion to raw meat. For some reason I cannot stand to handle or cook meat. Looking at it or touching it just makes my stomach roll. I have to force myself to eat because I cannot afford to lose any weight. I am down almost 20 lbs. from my precancer weight and both doctors don't want me to lose anymore. This morning as I was getting dressed I looked down and saw my grandma's skin on my legs...geez I feel old today...I am tired, nauseated, have a pain under my left rib and I just feel like I am running out of steam. It is hard to stay upbeat when day after day the pain and feeling bad just won't go away. If I had a week that I felt good and normal it would be such a blessing. The hardest part is the look of pain in Steve's eyes when he watches helplessly while I am sick. I do not know how I am supposed to feel, but I had hoped it would be a lot better than this by now. In 2 days it will be 14 months since my surgery...so I am ready for the incision to NOT hurt anymore, it amazes me that I still have soreness in a few spots on and around my incision. I guess when Dr. Adams said it would be over a year for my healing process he really did know what he was talking about. I am not used to being so limited on my activity, before cancer I did a lot even with MS that I just can't do now. I keep trying, it is not because I don't try...I have listened to my doctors as far as any restrictions I have had, but now I am free to do anything I feel like doing. I just want to be able to vaccum the whole house at one time, I don't like having to do a room at a time, or even worse a room a day...why does pushing a vaccum cleaner around feel like I am running a marathon? I hate having to load the top rack of the dishwasher and having to rest before I can do the bottom rack and then have to rest again before washing the few items that don't go in the dishwasher. And cooking has become a chore not the pleasure it once was for me. I used to love to cook and bake, now I have to force myself into the kitchen, now I must sit to do a lot of the prep work and if there is meat on the menu that is not frozen, Steve preps it for me and these days has been cooking a lot of it for me also. The good thing is that all the fresh fruits and vegetables that are available now is great and we are also supporting our local farmers, which is a plus! I am sorry that today is not full of cheer, but honestly I am not feeling it this morning...it is just taking a long time to get over whatever this is and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am trying to remember all the good things in my life and not dwell on the other, I am so lucky to have a wonderful loving husband...I have no idea where I would be without him, he works so hard to provide for us. I love, appreciate and respect him so much, so many men would have left a long time ago...we were only married 8 months when I had my first MS episode, I thought that was going to be the biggie for me, little did I know that 15 years later my whole world would change with pancreatic cancer and lymphoma. Nothing will ever be the same again. Oh, sure life goes on and it gets a little easier as time passes but you are forever changed with cancer. It is like the ever looming boom waiting to drop, but you cannot let it overtake you, you must use all your energy to stay positive and just live and enjoy life. We are all going to die, I may just die a little sooner than some of you, that is a fact that cannot be changed. The only thing I can control is how I choose to deal with it. And I choose to go down fighting...I have not had the easiest childhood and young adulthood, I have made the usual mistakes in life that everyone else makes but I like to think that I have learned from them also. And isn't that what life is all about...a journey from which we grow and learn and hopefully become better people. I choose to finish this journey with Steve, and I will try to make it as easy for him as I can. I will never give up!!! Today I am going to try and get a couple of loads of laundry done and clean up the kitchen...then crocheting some more as the abdomen allows. Remember to be thankful for your health, the people that love you and all you have been blessed with...hug a kid, kiss a loved one, tell your friends how much they mean to you, support your friends in sickness as well as health and most importantly live life, it is the most precious gift you have been given don't waste it. Pray for all of the people that are struggling in this horrible economy or who have health issues. Smiles are free, so why not give a few away today??? Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!  :)

Coffee at 3am on the front porch just can't be beat....

The morning air is fresh and a little cooler than we have been having. It is such a wonderful way to start the day. Steve has left for work, coffee in hand to the front porch I go, Janie loves to chase the bugs the outside lights draw in and I love the sounds of the night creatures...the crickets are chirping an owl somewhere very close is hooting, you can hear the deer moving thru the woods, other than that it is quiet and peaceful. To just feel good enough to finally feel like having a morning cup of coffee is a great improvement, this is the first in almost 2 weeks and it was grand!! Yesterday I finally mustered enough energy to snap the green beans that have been in the fridge patiently waiting and cooked them with some new potatoes...may I brag and say they were the best thing I have eaten in 2 weeks? Today it is gonna be eggplant parmesan and maybe even some cupcakes. I know I can't get carried away on the sweets but just a little won't kill me and if it does at least I will be happy. I have felt so bad and then got into a little depression this past 2 weeks,  I just have to force myself to get up and do something, anything and when I can't get up and do something at least I feel like crocheting again. Making baby afghans and lap blankets has always been relaxing and fun for me...I know that when a baby gets one of the afghans I make they literally have it for life and hopefully, I will be able to make a modest amount to replace the yarn and give me a little pocket money. I hope all of my friends good luck and success in the coming week, be grateful for your health, thankful for your loved ones, hug a kid, kiss a friend and tell them they are important to you. Remember all those that are less fortunate, there is always someone who is worse off than you. Don't dwell on the negative, it will pull you down at a very vunerable time...don't depend on someone else for your happiness, it comes from within and only we have the key! Health, happiness, peace and love my friends..  :)