I don't even know what "normal" feels like anymore. One day I get up and feel ok, other days I get up and feel like crap...sometimes I get fooled because for the first hour or so I feel ok and then wham, I feel awful. I have a doctor's appointment in 3 weeks but I may have to go before if this does not get better. I do not know where the nausea is coming from and the aversion to raw meat. For some reason I cannot stand to handle or cook meat. Looking at it or touching it just makes my stomach roll. I have to force myself to eat because I cannot afford to lose any weight. I am down almost 20 lbs. from my precancer weight and both doctors don't want me to lose anymore. This morning as I was getting dressed I looked down and saw my grandma's skin on my legs...geez I feel old today...I am tired, nauseated, have a pain under my left rib and I just feel like I am running out of steam. It is hard to stay upbeat when day after day the pain and feeling bad just won't go away. If I had a week that I felt good and normal it would be such a blessing. The hardest part is the look of pain in Steve's eyes when he watches helplessly while I am sick. I do not know how I am supposed to feel, but I had hoped it would be a lot better than this by now. In 2 days it will be 14 months since my surgery...so I am ready for the incision to NOT hurt anymore, it amazes me that I still have soreness in a few spots on and around my incision. I guess when Dr. Adams said it would be over a year for my healing process he really did know what he was talking about. I am not used to being so limited on my activity, before cancer I did a lot even with MS that I just can't do now. I keep trying, it is not because I don't try...I have listened to my doctors as far as any restrictions I have had, but now I am free to do anything I feel like doing. I just want to be able to vaccum the whole house at one time, I don't like having to do a room at a time, or even worse a room a day...why does pushing a vaccum cleaner around feel like I am running a marathon? I hate having to load the top rack of the dishwasher and having to rest before I can do the bottom rack and then have to rest again before washing the few items that don't go in the dishwasher. And cooking has become a chore not the pleasure it once was for me. I used to love to cook and bake, now I have to force myself into the kitchen, now I must sit to do a lot of the prep work and if there is meat on the menu that is not frozen, Steve preps it for me and these days has been cooking a lot of it for me also. The good thing is that all the fresh fruits and vegetables that are available now is great and we are also supporting our local farmers, which is a plus! I am sorry that today is not full of cheer, but honestly I am not feeling it this morning...it is just taking a long time to get over whatever this is and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am trying to remember all the good things in my life and not dwell on the other, I am so lucky to have a wonderful loving husband...I have no idea where I would be without him, he works so hard to provide for us. I love, appreciate and respect him so much, so many men would have left a long time ago...we were only married 8 months when I had my first MS episode, I thought that was going to be the biggie for me, little did I know that 15 years later my whole world would change with pancreatic cancer and lymphoma. Nothing will ever be the same again. Oh, sure life goes on and it gets a little easier as time passes but you are forever changed with cancer. It is like the ever looming boom waiting to drop, but you cannot let it overtake you, you must use all your energy to stay positive and just live and enjoy life. We are all going to die, I may just die a little sooner than some of you, that is a fact that cannot be changed. The only thing I can control is how I choose to deal with it. And I choose to go down fighting...I have not had the easiest childhood and young adulthood, I have made the usual mistakes in life that everyone else makes but I like to think that I have learned from them also. And isn't that what life is all about...a journey from which we grow and learn and hopefully become better people. I choose to finish this journey with Steve, and I will try to make it as easy for him as I can. I will never give up!!! Today I am going to try and get a couple of loads of laundry done and clean up the kitchen...then crocheting some more as the abdomen allows. Remember to be thankful for your health, the people that love you and all you have been blessed with...hug a kid, kiss a loved one, tell your friends how much they mean to you, support your friends in sickness as well as health and most importantly live life, it is the most precious gift you have been given don't waste it. Pray for all of the people that are struggling in this horrible economy or who have health issues. Smiles are free, so why not give a few away today??? Health, happiness, peace and love my friends! :)
