3rd IV chemo infusion tomorrow, if blood work is ok...the a one week break.

Yeah, it is a shame that as soon as I start to feel a little better, then it is time for more chemo and sick, sick, sick all over again. I hope it works and is worth all it has put me through, I would hate to be making myself this sick every week and not live very long either. I do not mean to sound ungrateful, but this gets harder each week and it is just getting to me. I am the person that is usually doing something for someone or taking care of my house, shopping and laundry, not the person laying on the couch to sick or weak to get up and carry on business as usual. I am very thankful for the days that I feel like eating and can actually get something down, but I sure will be glad when I can do the cooking again...Steve tries but bless his heart he is not the best cook in the world and he gets frustrated when something goes wrong and then it sort of snowballs on him...so many dinners are just so so.

I am very grateful for everything Steve does, he has driven me to every radiation treatment, chemo infusion, doctors appointment, to do my lab work...not to mention the grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, helping with the house, specifically the kitchen...and of course the cooking. I have no idea what I would possibly do without his love, support and help. Cancer is a very scary disease and it takes a special person to stay with you in the trenches for the long haul. It is not very pretty as you lose a lot of weight and really look different...I have nausea and diarrhea often, both of which lend a hand to the fatigue, which is really one of the worst symptoms, sometimes I am actually to tired to sit up. That is why I have times that I cannot sit up at the computer long enough to blog or even write something short. I know it sounds like a bunch of bull but it is really true.

If there is one thing I can convey to everyone it is to take a few moments, put yourself in someone else's shoes and see what they are going thru...maybe your own problems will suddenly seem smaller than before. Enjoy every day of your life, each one is special and should be cherished, share your love with the people that mean something to you, don't wait to say I love you in a funeral home and regret all that was unspoken and given in life.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends! May God smile on each of you today.. :)

The morning after 2nd IV chemo infusion for recurring pancreatic cancer...

Well yesterday was the second infusion, did not go as well as the first one...ugh!!! Firstly, we had to wait almost an hour before my tech was ready for me???? Then when she was starting the IV she BENT the first needle (in the boney side of my arm), thank God the second stick went in perfectly...the infusion went pretty smooth from there.
So far the nausea I have been experiencing has been controled by my anti-nausea meds, my hair has not started coming out yet, altho it is still a little early for that to start happening...geez, bald and 109 lbs. that is going to be a great sight...better get a couple pair of large cute earrings. Actually I have started making a couple of hats - just in case. As with everything else, no one is sure if my hair will come out or not, probably they say.

Thank goodness Tuesday I made a huge pot of homemade chicken noodle soup and baked a cake, yellow cake and chocolate icing - yum! so at least I have homecooked food for a couple of days...Steve tries but you can only eat so much frozen food and it has been a long time...longer than we expected...we expected the miracle that one round of radiation and chemo would at least shrink and slow the cancer, not the wait to let my body recoup and then a round of IV chemo. I will be honest with you it takes every ounce I can muster to get thru each day. I am so tired of being "sick", I play by their rules and still get little results...these are no doubt some of the hardest days of  my life.

As we go thru life we are always complaining about something, a bad hair day, the weather, our parents, our mates and kids the high cost of gas and food, etc. I wish I had saved all that energy and enjoyed my life more in the moment, not put up with a lot of the bullshit I did...oh, don't get me wrong I have had my good moments also, we all do no matter how bad we think it was, remember there is always someone out there who has it a lot worse than you can imagine. Even today as I am fighting to have a little better quality to the time I have left I am going to embrace all the good and love around me...I am going to be like a cat curled up in the sun basking in the warm rays...I will cherish every minute I spend with my darling husband and sweet little dog...I hope my family and friends do not stop coming or calling as right now I draw energy from the love you give. I have not given up the fight but it sure is a hard one to fight day in and day out.

Remember to be grateful for everything you have been blessed with, tell those you love how much they mean to you, yes they know it, but we all like to hear it!!! :)...don't let your fear that someone is going to die stop you from still being a friend, remember being a friend sometimes is just being an ear, you don't have to put yourself out and offer to do something you know you don't want to do in the first place. And PLEASE do not make promises you are not going to keep, we have enough disappointments to deal with.

Sorry to tired to continue right now, but thanks for listening!!! this has been good for me! :)

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...May God smile on you today!!!  :)

Blood test today to see if I can receive my chemo tomorrow...

Yes, I am lucky I get to have a blood test everyweek to check my blood count, can't do chemo treatment if white cells are to low...so very important to make sure I am "healthy" enough for the infusion. IV chemo is entirely different than the pills, I have to be a lot more careful not to be around sick people, eat well and drink plenty because
dehydration is my enemy...one of many.

Yesterday I feel like I made up for not being able to eat a lot recently...I have found that yoplait yogurt will settle when other things don't...plus it is good for "us" during our chemo, the Shepherd's pie I made the other day has been very yummy...however strange it may sound if I think I can eat it I try, especially for protein. I have lost so much weight that any gain will help, at my last weigh in I was 109 lbs. so I really would love to gain a few pounds. I always hear everyone wanting to lose weight, but believe me a few extra pounds can really help if you find yourself in the position I am in. When I got sick at first I weighed 148 lbs., then when the cancer came back I weighed 132 lbs, now 109 lbs., so for those of you who think you need to lose weight please keep enough to help your body fight illness or disease. I never thought I would get pancreatic cancer, let alone think it would return after surgery,14 months later.

I am getting my day before chemo jitters, I guess everyone gets nervous...the uncomfortable stick of the chemo needle(spike), the saline, steroids, anti-nausea meds, "the big boss chemo"...now just sit and wait for the bag to drip into my vein, then one last saline bag to flush...now home to collapse on the sofa and feel like crap for a couple of days. Yeah! I get to repeat this vicious cycle 6 times this go round.

Okay, enough pity party...yesterday I was able to clean out the fridge, no big deal for most of you I know, but for me it took hours after my many breaks...but I finally got it finished, Steve is great and will do anything I ask him to do, but dumping the fridge isn't his strong suit, so it is just easier to do. Then I cleaned up the kitchen, put dishes in the dishwasher and even managed to do two loads of laundry before the fatigue caught up to me. As long as I pace myself and take breaks I can get quite a bit done, it is surprising how much you can do if you just don't give up...no matter how hard, just don't give up, giving up is not an option...

Janie has enjoyed me being on the computer, she has her own special chair that she lays in to be close to me, sometimes she insists on laying on my lap but this morning she is stretched out belly up sleeping. I think somehow she knows that I feel better if I am on the computer every day...Maybe I need to figure a way to move computer in the living room so I could have better access on the bad days...hmmmm???? I need to talk to Steve about that, hmmmm??? Gosh it is wonderful being married to a master craftsman, if I dream it he can make it happen, so maybe there is a way near the sofa, where I could still recline and have the keyboard on my lap...sort of a redneck laptray-laptop...lol I may have to give this some serious thought.

Time to go eat something, had a strawberry yogurt around 2am, but need to eat and take my morning handful of pills and then do something. On days that I can I must do something. Please take a moment to be grateful for every thing you have been blessed with, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you and how much you love them and how glad you are that they are in your life, forgive the petty stuff-reach out you may be surprised. Enjoy the day don't waste it with the what if's. Be good to yourself you deserve it!

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends! May God smile on you today!!!  :)

This morning is the start of a new day...chemo side effects not to bad, just "the fatigue"...

Some days I feel like I could sleep 20 out of 24 hours...using the 4 to eat and change positions. I know how lazy that sounds, believe me one of the hardest things about all of this is  not being able to do what I want to. In orientation they told us to exercise every day and try to walk a mile a day, outside if possible to get out of the house... :)
okay I just got up off the floor after laughing my butt off...I am lucky to have the energy to go from the bedroom to the living room, then make it over to the kitchen to get something to eat & drink. Finally, yesterday I made a Shepherd's pie, it took me about three times as long to get it together because I kept getting dizzy, but after much persistance I must say it was very tasty last night for dinner!

These days the number of foods that actually sound good to me are very limited, in fact on bad days applesauce and chicken noodle soup (mainly the broth ) have pretty much been it. Recently yoplait strawberry yogurt has been working well too and of course I drink carnation essentials instant breakfast alot...in fact the doc said if I could not eat but the instant breakfast went down well to drink it, she said 5 glasses would help keep up nutrition level.

My nerves are also a mess as you might imagine...I am doing everything I can as far as the chemo etc., but I am not going to have a happy ending. I always read about Patrick Swayze and Steve Jobs and I felt so sad for them and their families, never in a million years did I ever dream that it was to become my future also. I hate what it is doing to my Steve, he sure as hell does not deserve this. He works weirder hours, so he can get his work done and take me to all my appointments...as these days it is a lot harder to miss time from work, our insurance co-pays have gone thru the roof. I know I am lucky not to have to pay more, but my co-pay for EACH IV chemo treatment is $327.24...that is with insurance, I have no idea what we would do if we did not have insurance.

Okay, enough of the pity party...I am glad that I am able to get the treatment and medicines I need to make me feel a little better, I am thankful for a loving husband who is doing everything he can think of to make me feel better. I am thankful that at least I am not going thru this alone or unloved.

Please live everyday like it is your last, that way you will not waste it with all the petty stuff that we get caught up in. Tell those you love how much they mean to you, enjoy the simple things...

Health, happiness, peace & love my dear friends... :)

The first IV chemo is done...geez what an ordeal...

For the first time since I have been going to Dr. Stewart I completely broke down in her office Wednesday before my first IV chemo treatment, too much stress I guess. But let me tell you the infusion process is something else. First they put the needle in(which feels like a small spike) then a bag of saline is dripped through, then I get a bag of steroids(which help the chemo work better) and anti-nausea/anxiety medication,  then the big guns the chemo "Gemzar" and lastly another bag of saline to clean the line. I am one of the very fortunate ones because my infusion time is 1 - 1 1/2 hrs. tops, some of these poor souls infuse for 8 hours. Thank goodness it is only once a week for this. Now I have to be careful being around people because my immune system, which is almost non-existant anyway is now weaker...great!

Hopefully, the Gemzar will slow down the pancreatic cancer growth, give me a little longer to live and feel better while alive. I know this is uncomfortable for a lot of people to talk about...dying...but, it is in my future and I cannot afford to ignore it.
This chemo regiment is not going to be the big cure all, like I said it may give me more time if it shrinks the mass...but radiation and chemo pills shrunk it a little but not as much as the doctors had hoped. Just hope this works better, the main thing is to help me feel better. The nausea has been one of the worst things, I am continually losing weight, I am now at 109 lbs. The only good thing about that is they dose you according to your size...thank God I don't weight 250 lbs. I would not be able to afford the medicine and it would take all day to infuse.

This is a very frustrating experience, not being able to do the things you want to, not being able to eat, nausea all the time, loosing weight despite your best efforts...actually I feel like I am being eaten alive from the inside out. I certainly had hoped after I had surgery 19months ago it would buy me more quality time than this. I am praying that after this round of IV chemo, maybe the cancer will settle down for awhile. I am trying to brace Steve for the inevitable, BUT he really does not want to accept it...I am very worried about him.

I am sorry that I keep coming and going, but I am not doing very well and sitting at the computer is to tiring. Boy would I love to have a laptop, then I could just lay back and keep in touch...but with all the medical bills I will never be able to afford a laptop now. I will try to keep you posted as the treatments go on, don't know if I will feel better or worse as they do. But remember that just because I am not online does not mean I am not thinking of each and every one of you. I just don't have the energy...

I hope everyone has an incrediable weekend, spend it with someone you love if you can, remember to tell the people in your life how much they mean to you, be thankful for everything you have, health, a warm home, food to eat everyday and people who love you.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends....  :)

Bye bye chemo & radiation side effects....

Yes, I think it is true!!! Finally I am waking up in the mornings without the nausea that has been my companion for the past several months. The past two mornings I have actually had coffee and really enjoyed it. I have been able to do a few things around the house, I just get tired easily and have to take more breaks and rest between chores. The best part behind not having nausea, is I am able to do a little cooking, so hopefully I will gain a few pounds. Steve tries, but he is not the best cook in the neighborhood and frozen dinners/entrees is just not the same as good home cooked food. Plus my food wants have changed since I have been sick and they have not returned to normal yet.

I think I will make a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup today...the temperatures are very cold and windy today so nice hot soup sounds really good, I know it is crazy to think about dinner at 3am, but when your husband does service work you keep strange hours. I did bake another lemon coconut cake and every time I look at it sitting on the counter...I think breakfast!, but no I will be a good girl and eat something healthy, then I'll have cake... :)

Today my goal is to vacuum the whole house and do two loads of laundry, well and make my soup in the background as I am doing the other stuff...I keep looking at my teapot collection on my upper kitchen cabinets, they have about 2 years of dust on them and I keep thinking I could get the step-stool, take everything down, clean the cabinets, wash everything and put it back...yes it would be great to see them nice and clean and shiny but I guess that may be a little to much, the stretching and climbing may be to much right now, so I guess I'll pass on them for a while. Their day will come sooner or later.

Okay, I guess it is time to get off the computer and get busy...remember to tell those you love how much they mean to you, don't waste your time worrying about things you cannot change, do not waste one precious day of your life with the what if's or I should have's...Have an amazing day, smile at a stranger, it may be the only one they get all day, hug a friend, just step outside and take in the glory of the day, take a deep cleansing breath and view the beauty around you for just a minute...

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends, have an amazing day!!! :)

Mmmm, what a good cup of coffee....

Oh yeah, I had an amazing cup of coffee this morning! I know most of you think that sounds crazy, but I have not been able to drink coffee since August...nausea and coffee do not mix. Steve got me one of those single cup makers for Christmas and this morning I made a cup expecting the usual roll of my stomach, but instead I truly enjoyed it...I love my morning coffee and this is just one more step back to normal for me. I am so grateful that I am starting to feel a little better, at least now I do have good days. And speaking of good days yesterday was wonderful...spent the whole day with Steve and had a great time and felt good. We ate breakfast out, got a few groceries and got me a new pair of boots, yeah!!!, I really needed a warm pair of winter boots and they are so cute and comfortable!

I wish everybody could have someone as wonderful as my Steve in their life...I do not know what I would have done the past 2 years if not for him, he works and comes home and does whatever needs to be done, plus he has taken me to every radiation treatment and doctors appt., and believe me, it is a comfort having someone that loves you there with you and for you!

As we enter a new year I am hoping that it will bring better things than last year...homes for the homeless, jobs for those looking for work, food on the table of everyone, health and happiness. We should take a moment a be thankful for all we have, as there are so many who have nothing. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, family and good friends who have been so supportive...live a good life, don't waste a precious day, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, don't be afraid to hug your friends, hugs are very important...alot is said in a hug. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone in need, you may be surprised at how easy it is and how little it takes.

For those of you in northern Virginia, bundle up...it is gonna be a cold one today, be sure to wear warm clothes, scarves, gloves and hats!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!!!  Have an amazing day!!!  :)

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life...

Greetings and good morning...welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! Now that Christmas and New Year's is behind us, back to our normal routines. For those lucky enough to have jobs, one more day off and then back to the work grind, for me 2 more weeks and I start IV chemo...hopefully, this will shrink the pancreatic cancer more or even better go into remission!

Yesterday I took down the Christmas decorations and cards and got the house back in order. Now today if I can find the energy to vaccum! My main Christmas gift was new rugs for my living room, dining room, dining area, hall runners to match and a wonderful comfort zone mat for the kitchen and a runner and mat for the front door. And I also got some new clothes, yeah!!!, outfits that actually fit. I have lost 36 lbs. so the only thing that still fit was my socks, lol...at least now these don't hang on me and make me look like a starving person. It is funny how proper fitting clothes make you feel better for some strange reason, and since the doctor said it was doubtful I would gain weight, well you see how it goes.

Today I hope to make another lemon coconut cake...if anyone likes lemon cake and coconut I highly suggest trying one, I use buttercream icing and it is delicious!! Yum, yum, yum, I wish everyone could have a slice! That is the thing I miss the most since I have been sick and that is cooking and baking...oh sure, Steve tries but it is just not the same and he has not attempted baking. Over the past few months he is honing his cooking skills and getting better, but it sure is hard for him, working and trying to cook, clean and take care of me when I need it. That is why I am grateful when I feel good enough to at least help. The hardest part of having cancer is not being able to do what you want to do when you want to do it. 

I hear that the temperatures are going to be very cold this week so everyone be sure to bundle up with your heavy coats, scarves, gloves and hats...winter is finally upon us!!

Remember to be grateful for everything you have and the people that love you, live your life to the fullest do not waste one precious day!!! Smile at someone today, you never know it may be the only kindness they will see today!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...enjoy this amazing day!!!  :)

Happy New Year!!! May 2012 be better to everyone...

It is amazing that another year has passed and we are starting 2012... These days seem to sort of blur together for me, I feel like crap for a few days, then I feel pretty good for a day or two, then back to the crap feeling - I feel like a ping pong ball in the game of life. I do hope that the "sick" is because of the chemo and radiation side effects...I would hate to think that it is from the cancer again already. If that is the case and the IV chemo doesn't do better I am not sure if I will keep doing the treatments...

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and New Year's...ours was wonderful. My best gift was I felt good and was able to make our Christmas dinner. I am so thankful for each day when I actually feel good and am able to do my normal day to day stuff. I want to thank all my family and friends for your support...this has been one of the most difficult years of my life and your support and caring have helped me get through it, it takes courage to just get out of bed each day and I could not have done it without each of you.

Today the tree gets untrimmed and taken back to the yard to wait and grow until next year...the cards will be put away and all the decorations returned to their boxes. In one way I am glad to be back to normal but then I will really miss the colored lights and pretty ornaments of the tree. Maybe I should just re-decorate it for Valentine's Day and keep it inside...hmmmm!!

I hope everyone has an amazing day and a wonderful New Year, enjoy the people that you love, tell them how much they mean to you don't hold back! live each day to the fullest, don't waste your life with the what if's or I should have's...

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends! :)