Blood work today...6th and last iv chemo infusion in this round tomorrow...

Got up this morning at 1am throwing up, great and I thought I was starting to feel a little better yesterday. I guess overall I do, I have taken a couple of anti nausea pills and they have things under control. It is just disappointing, you would hope to feel good for a few days a week and that does not seem to be how it has been going. I am glad tomorrow will be the last infusion in this round, I just pray that the cancer has shrunk...

So to stop whining about me, how about this amazing weather we have been having? Yesterday I sat at the picnic table and just spent some time with Steve when he got home from work...it was great fresh air,sunshine, temps in the mid 60's...and my hubby. We are trying to spend some good quality time together, not that we didn't before, but now we are making an effort to do it, and yesterday was the perfect day to enjoy to out of doors.  Hopefully this spring I will feel like going fishing with him...did not get to go last year, got sick and then it was to hot. 

I am going to go lay down for a little while, it is crazy how tired you get over nothing. I just wanted to let everyone know I was still hanging in there, just not up to blogging or being online very long. Please remember to be thankful for the people that love you, let them know often how much they mean to you, smile at a stranger they may be having a really tough day and be grateful for everything you have. Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...may God smile on you today!!!  :)

Can't sleep so thought I'd blog...don't know where this is going to go. :)

This has been the way it goes for months, I wake up anywhere from 11:30pm to aound 2am and it is impossible to go back to sleep. I am used to getting up at 2 with Steve on workdays to make his lunch and have coffee with him before kissing him goodbye and seeing him off to work, but I used to be able to lay back down and watch a little tv and fall back to sleep. But not these days, when my mind starts thinking I cannot get it to stop...I think about ALL sort of things, from death, to  what is going to happen to Steve & Janie, should I start to identify the personal items I want to leave to loved ones, should I just give the stuff to them now while I am alive or should I record  it and let Steve handle it later??? Questions, questions, questions that seems to be all there is anymore...What should I do about this and what should I do about that. And once it starts it takes forever to cut it off.

Even tho I could not sleep, I don't feel to bad considering it is the day after the 5th iv chemo infusion, of course it is still early but so far so good...just mild nausea, which was controlled by meds and my constant companion "fatigue". Just keeping my fingers crossed that the "chemo diarrhea" does not come this time!!!  :0

I am going to take a short break and start a load of laundry and maybe see if I can eat something, I have found if I can make myself eat a little something the nausea is not as bad, I took something for it about an hour ago, so now is a good time to try to sneak some food in.                

Okay one load of laundry in the washer, ate 1/2 baked chicken breast sandwich and a container of blackberry yogurt...yum, yum!!  Boy was I glad that I made the Shephard's pie yesterday before chemo, it sure was a quick and easy dinner last night...just reheat in the microwave and a home cooked meal. I have decided that in the early morning when I feel better I am going to go ahead and cook...by the evening and dinnertime I am usually to exhausted to do anything so I am going to cook ahead, put it in the fridge and/or freezer. I guess I should have been doing more of this before now, but to be perfectly honest I just have not felt like it, but oh well better late than never. Now who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? :)  In fact when I finish blogging I am going to make a small pot of chicken noodle soup, which always hits the spot after chemo. My food wants are very limited right now, every time I eat I have abdominal pain and some foods of course are worse than others, some foods are to be avoided at all costs and some I can have just a little. Then there are the sneaky ones that hurt sometimes and sometimes not, I think sometimes what is eaten together helps also. I eat a lot of yogurt because it seems to help soothe "the old gut" and of course my meals are much smaller and more frequent.

I  guess the baked chicken is doing its job, I am getting a little tired so I think I am going to close for now and lay down for a while before I make my soup. I want to leave you with this, remember to tell those you love that you love them and how much they mean to you, we always take for granted that everyone knows how we feel, but believe me to hear it or read it always gives you a warm feeling. Be thankful for everything you have been blessed with, these days so many people are struggling to just survive...

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...May God smile on you today!!!  :) 

5th IV chemo infusion today, only one more in this round...then scan and see what effect it had...

Five down and one more to go, this round of chemo is just about done...one more infusion next week, then wait a couple of weeks and then the scan to see what reaction the cancer had to the chemo. For all that I have been through the past 6 months I sure hope the cancer is teeny tiny and stays that way for a long time.  I don't mind doing all this if it is really gonna help, now all I can do is pray that it did work better this time than last.

Today I feel a little better. This morning before chemo I did a couple of loads of laundry, made the bed and made a shepard's pie for dinner this evening. Usually after chemo I am pretty tired, so all I have to do for dinner is heat it up! :)  Cooking has been one of the most difficult things to do consistantly, between the nausea and vomiting preparing food is the last thing you feel like doing. Plus you are just so damn tired...sometimes standing at the stove is just to much. I am so hopeful after next week maybe  I will start to feel more normal and back to my old self. I am really not the kind of person that asks for help, I am just used to doing things for myself and old habits are hard to break.

Today has been absolutely beautiful, I have gone out on the front porch just for a breath of fresh air every chance I have gotten today. It has been one of those days that you could just curl up with a good book or laptop and sit in the rocker or porch swing for most of the day, just reading away the hours.
Janie has really enjoyed the mild weather we have been enjoying, she does not like to leave me for very long, but it has been so nice that she just has to go out for short periods of play time. We have s few moles in the yard and one of her favorite activities is "moling", in the past 6 months or so she has caught 2 that I know of. And of course laying in the sun is very high on her to do list. It is very strange if I feel ok she will go out and play and sun for a while, but if I do not feel well she only goes out to do her business and then she is back inside with me. So I guess I do have my own private nurse, she just has 4 legs.

Okay I am going to go lay down for a few minutes before I get dinner together, just wanted to let everyone know that the 5th infusion was done and I am hanging in there. I hope everyone has an amazing rest of the day and evening...hug the ones you love, always tell them how much they mean to you, be thankful for everything that you have been blessed with. Wealth is measured in the people that love and care about you, and I am rich beyond compare!!!!

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...May God smile on you today!!!  :)

Just watched Hoarders program, was going to try cleaning some, but decided the house was pretty good...so blogging won out...

As usual I woke up around midnight and could not go back to sleep, so I got up and took a nausea pill and something for the constant pain in my left side, packed Steve's lunch for today and watched some tv. I always watch Hoarders because it makes me feel good about my house. There are so many things I should be doing but after watching hoarders I decided to play with the laptop and do some blogging. It is blood drawing day, to see if my blood count is good enough for chemo tomorrow, I always start to feel like a human again and then it is time for another dose of chemo. Iguess I can hold on, tomorrow is infusion #5 then the following week will be #6 and last in this round. Then have a scan to see what if anything has changed. I hope it shrinks so much they can't see it anymore but I guess that is to much to ask for, so I am hoping for a lot of shrinkage...I don't want to hear that it shrunk a little but not as much as they has hoped.

It is really hard to wrap my mind around having terminal cancer. I know many people succumb to this disease every day, but you never think it is going to happen to you. Oh when I feel like crap, throwing up, nausea and diarrhea, it is not hard to believe, but on the days that you feel "normal" it is hard to believe that you are not going to make it beyond a year or two, if you are lucky. Since the radiation and pill chemo didn't work as well as well as doctors had hoped, my biggest fear is that the iv chemo won't work like they hope it will to, then what?

I worry so much about Steve. He is not very accepting of all this, he is having a hard time even talking about the possibility of me dying. I do want him to have hope, but at the same time I want him to be realistic...because my long term is not going to happen unless we get a miracle. I am trying to think of the things I need to get straightened out before the end, already done the will, power of attorney and living will...but I have so much "stuff" that I have to decide what to get rid of and what to give away...of course Steve gets everything, but there are a few personal items that I want to go to certain family & friends when he is ready. Hopefully, this is going to be a long time from now. I am not doing all this to just roll over and die without a fight, I do hope to have a good quality of life for quite a while after this round of chemo. On the days that I feel "normal" it is easier to be hopeful and not dwell on the bad.

Remember that this life we get goes by in the blink of an eye...so always remember to be grateful for all the people that love you, be thankful for your health, home and food on the table everyday. Smile at a stranger today, it may be the only one they get today, be patient with the elderly person in line ahead of you holding everything up...and finally remember no matter how bad things are, there is someone else that has it a lot worse than you do.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...May God smile on you today!!!  :)

Today's blog is being written on my new laptop!!! Got it for my birthday!!!

Yes I am so happy I got a new laptop for my birthday. Steve was determined to get me one so I could be on the internet more and be in touch with all my friends. I have really missed being on the computer and being in touch with everyone so this was a wonderful birthday gift. Now all I have to do is learn how to use it, it is a little different from the desktop. I will prove you can teach "old" dogs new tricks. I am just not sure how long it will take. I am one of those people that do not like change, but I think this is a change I can get used to and like. 

It sure is nice sitting back in the recliner doing my blog, I am very comfy and I really think I am going to like this, it sure is nicer than sitting at the desk on the computer. The only thing is Janie wants to sit on my lap and does not like the laptop in her spot. Uh oh guess she will figure out another spot to lay in while the laptop is in use.

I had the 4th iv chemo infusion Wednesday, so they are clicking away only 2 more for this round, wait a few weeks and then the scan to see what is going on. Then decide what to do from there, I hope this time the chemo zaps the cancer and shrinks it so tiny they can't see it anymore. I guess I should not complain, at least there is something they are doing to try to shrink it. so many people don't have that option so I am very grateful for all they are doing. They changed 2 of my meds and that has helped so I think I am feeling a little better the past few days. I still get tired at the drop of a hat and my appetite is not as good as it should be but it is picking up a little bit. As long as the nausea is under control I can take it and the nausea medication really works so that is one blessing. I guess all in all I can't complain.

Okay I am going to go set up some more stuff on my laptop, but I just wanted to do a short blog to check in and also to say hopefully I will be around a lot more now. Thanks honey!

I am so blessed to have my Steve, he takes good care of me and tries to get whatever he thinks will make me feel better. I never expected a laptop but I know it will allow me more access to the internet, facebook and of course my blog. I hope each of you have a wonderful weekend. Remember to be grateful for everything and everyone you have, tell those you love how much they mean to you. May God smile on you today!

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...  :)

I thought my chemo "off" week was gonna be better than it was...

It seems no matter how well intentioned I am I just cannot get to the computer as much as I would like. I thought that this being my "off" week that I would feel better and would be able to catch up on facebook and do some blogging...but unfortunately a good week was not in the cards for me. This has been as bad, if not worse as any other week. Nausea, vomiting & diarrhea most of the week did not seem like a break to me, altho I guess if I had of had chemo this week maybe it would have been worse, who knows? Three more IV chemo infusions in this course and then an ultra sound to check the size of the cancer...hoping for major shrinkage! If this does not shrink it more than before I am not sure what course of treatment I will pursue, if any.  This is just buying me some time, it is not going to get rid of it or cure me...and I can't see going thru all this for little or no quality time, I do not just want to be alive laying on the couch or in the bed too sick to move, eat or do anything...these days I feel the quality of my life slipping and I am praying I will feel totally different after all the chemo is done.

Trying to stay positive is getting harder to do and I know I am not the only person who goes through this...when you feel like crap and have pain most of the time it takes the positive out of you, other than you are positive that the end is not going to be easy! And I will admit that thinking about that scares me, to have no control is daunting beyond belief...I only pray my courage and strength hold up. Okay, seriously enough of the pity party, there are a lot of people a lot worse off than me!

On the upside, yesterday I was able to make a pot of venison chili, which was delicious, even if it gave me great pain in the stomach...most of what I eat these days makes my stomach hurt, so why not enjoy the goodness of a small amount of chili?Actually some of it is going in the freezer for use later when I can't cook. Hopefully, today I am going to cook a pot of kale and make a lemon coconut cake.

We have a light snow on the ground this morning and it makes you want to cook some good comfort food...make some hot chocolate, curl up and snack all day. It is going to be in the 30's so it is an excellent day to entertain yourself in a nice warm home...spend some good quality time with those you love...it can be as simple as baking a batch of chocolate chip cookies...yum!

I hope each of you have an amazing weekend, tell those you love how much they mean to you, don't hold stupid grudges...all it does is keep you from the people you care about, usually for no good reason, remember to tell those that do things for you how much you appreciate it and how much it helps. Don't be afraid to reach out to a sick friend, it will not take all your time and you will be surprised at how good you will feel to make a sick person's day...remember we are fighting for our lives we are not dead yet, so don't give up on us as though we were already gone. Cancer is a very scary, lonely disease...most do not know what to say, how about hi, thought I'd call and say hi...it is as simple as that my friends, sometimes hearing about your goings on is refreshing... to have something else to think and talk about, it is not always all about us.

I am going to go for now, I need to take a break and lay down for a little bit. I hope to be back soon.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...May God smile on you today!!  :)