It is really hard to wrap my mind around having terminal cancer. I know many people succumb to this disease every day, but you never think it is going to happen to you. Oh when I feel like crap, throwing up, nausea and diarrhea, it is not hard to believe, but on the days that you feel "normal" it is hard to believe that you are not going to make it beyond a year or two, if you are lucky. Since the radiation and pill chemo didn't work as well as well as doctors had hoped, my biggest fear is that the iv chemo won't work like they hope it will to, then what?
I worry so much about Steve. He is not very accepting of all this, he is having a hard time even talking about the possibility of me dying. I do want him to have hope, but at the same time I want him to be realistic...because my long term is not going to happen unless we get a miracle. I am trying to think of the things I need to get straightened out before the end, already done the will, power of attorney and living will...but I have so much "stuff" that I have to decide what to get rid of and what to give away...of course Steve gets everything, but there are a few personal items that I want to go to certain family & friends when he is ready. Hopefully, this is going to be a long time from now. I am not doing all this to just roll over and die without a fight, I do hope to have a good quality of life for quite a while after this round of chemo. On the days that I feel "normal" it is easier to be hopeful and not dwell on the bad.
Remember that this life we get goes by in the blink of an eye...so always remember to be grateful for all the people that love you, be thankful for your health, home and food on the table everyday. Smile at a stranger today, it may be the only one they get today, be patient with the elderly person in line ahead of you holding everything up...and finally remember no matter how bad things are, there is someone else that has it a lot worse than you do.
Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...May God smile on you today!!! :)
