I thought my chemo "off" week was gonna be better than it was...

It seems no matter how well intentioned I am I just cannot get to the computer as much as I would like. I thought that this being my "off" week that I would feel better and would be able to catch up on facebook and do some blogging...but unfortunately a good week was not in the cards for me. This has been as bad, if not worse as any other week. Nausea, vomiting & diarrhea most of the week did not seem like a break to me, altho I guess if I had of had chemo this week maybe it would have been worse, who knows? Three more IV chemo infusions in this course and then an ultra sound to check the size of the cancer...hoping for major shrinkage! If this does not shrink it more than before I am not sure what course of treatment I will pursue, if any.  This is just buying me some time, it is not going to get rid of it or cure me...and I can't see going thru all this for little or no quality time, I do not just want to be alive laying on the couch or in the bed too sick to move, eat or do anything...these days I feel the quality of my life slipping and I am praying I will feel totally different after all the chemo is done.

Trying to stay positive is getting harder to do and I know I am not the only person who goes through this...when you feel like crap and have pain most of the time it takes the positive out of you, other than you are positive that the end is not going to be easy! And I will admit that thinking about that scares me, to have no control is daunting beyond belief...I only pray my courage and strength hold up. Okay, seriously enough of the pity party, there are a lot of people a lot worse off than me!

On the upside, yesterday I was able to make a pot of venison chili, which was delicious, even if it gave me great pain in the stomach...most of what I eat these days makes my stomach hurt, so why not enjoy the goodness of a small amount of chili?Actually some of it is going in the freezer for use later when I can't cook. Hopefully, today I am going to cook a pot of kale and make a lemon coconut cake.

We have a light snow on the ground this morning and it makes you want to cook some good comfort food...make some hot chocolate, curl up and snack all day. It is going to be in the 30's so it is an excellent day to entertain yourself in a nice warm home...spend some good quality time with those you love...it can be as simple as baking a batch of chocolate chip cookies...yum!

I hope each of you have an amazing weekend, tell those you love how much they mean to you, don't hold stupid grudges...all it does is keep you from the people you care about, usually for no good reason, remember to tell those that do things for you how much you appreciate it and how much it helps. Don't be afraid to reach out to a sick friend, it will not take all your time and you will be surprised at how good you will feel to make a sick person's day...remember we are fighting for our lives we are not dead yet, so don't give up on us as though we were already gone. Cancer is a very scary, lonely disease...most do not know what to say, how about hi, thought I'd call and say hi...it is as simple as that my friends, sometimes hearing about your goings on is refreshing... to have something else to think and talk about, it is not always all about us.

I am going to go for now, I need to take a break and lay down for a little bit. I hope to be back soon.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...May God smile on you today!!  :)