You can't get stuck in the tunnel....never give up...

Finally I feel like I have seen the break in the light at the end of the tunnel...I actually did not get nauseated when Steve made breakfast this morning, I don't know what it is but right now my body is going through this thing with raw meat...raw meat of any kind just turns my stomach! So when I may be able to eat, I just can't stand to handle and cook it. Thank goodness we live in a frozen food paradise, I know not the best thing in the world to eat, but when you feel like crap it is so handy to just pop something in the oven or microwave. And I just have to do what I have to do. I am feeling better today, still drained like I have been working double shifts, altho I have done basically nothing for the last 11 or so days. I have been able to eat the last 2 or 3 days so that is really helping me regain my strength and of course when you physically feel better the depression lessens...I try not to whine to much about how I feel, but there are times that it is impossible to hide it. I decided that it is ok to have a bump in the road, I just won't let myself get stuck in the ditch. I have accepted the fact that there are going to be times that I just can't do the things I am used to doing, and it will either have to wait or just not get done. I am so grateful for every blessing I have, I love my husband and my little dog Janie, remember to be thankful for your health it can mean the world of difference as to how you must do things, don't forget to find the joy in being alive, where there is life there is hope...tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, hug a kid, smile at a stranger...remember no matter how bad things may be, there is always someone who is worse off, don't get to wrapped up in yourself that you forget others. Today I am going to work on a baby afghan, that always makes me feel better...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.  :)

Inside, close-up & personal....

It seems like I have a few good days and then a few more bad days...It sure is hard trying to kick a bug these days, I guess they were not kidding when they told me I would have to be careful without my spleen. I don't want to be one of those people that wear a surgical mask in public, but darn I am starting to give it second thoughts, I don't know what or where I got this last little treat for my body, I just know I have felt like crap for over 10 days and I am so ready to feel better. I try to keep positive but it sure gets harder when you are sick and feel terrible. Every virus always conjures images of the cancer grouping together or the pancreatic cancer returning...yes I know that stress is one of the worst things for me but it is really difficult...I have been so sick that I have not been able to do anything and I really mean anything and of course the mind starts to ramble. I am feeling better today so I am looking forward to crocheting a little. I was in full swing with my blankies and then boom to sick to even sit up and crochet. Well with that behind me I am eager to start back on them. I am currently about 12 rows in on a baby afghan, I hope to have it ready for sale in a few days. Making the blankies really makes me happy and it is something beautiful to do while sitting watching tv or doing nothing. I hate to waste time and finally being able to crochet again is a blessing.  I am convinced that I can convince my body that it is feeling better and we need to get back in the groove. I refuse to go thru the surgery and everything I have been through the past year or so just to give up now. I must admit that this has been a very depressing time for me, since you lose most of your friends when you get cancer I have had to struggle to take of myself while Steve is at work. Everyone thinks that when you get out of the hospital, bam, you are back and don't need anything. I have been so sick I was unable to even get up and heat a can of soup for days, and I am so disappointed that not one person called to even ask if I needed anything. I have certainly re-thought how I am going to handle things myself from now on. I am not going to be the first to jump in and help, this past 10 days have been a lesson in the hell I have to look forward to, I will lay hungry until Steve gets home because no one has time to do anything for you, I will be unable to go to the doctor until Steve gets home...I really don't like the way this plays out that Steve is stuck with a sick wife that is not doing what she used to do and still has to work and then try to help pick up the slack, as much as I hate to admit it, there are so many things that are still very hard for me to do. It is harder to admit that I have spent my whole life doing for others and taking care of people, only to have them disappear like rats on a sinking ship. Yes I may be dying, but I hope I have a lot of life left to live and contribute. And I really wish everyone would wait until I am dead to bury and forget me. Sorry that today is not perky and cheerful, but today I am the person who has cancer and a host of other medical conditions, I don't feel well and you need to know that is part of this journey as well. Tomorrow will be a better day, I cannot afford to let myself dwell in this place, so tomorrow will be a bright new day. Remember to be grateful for all you have, hug a kid and love like there is no tomorrow...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends. :)

The scary thing about getting really sick is, what is it? Virus or cancer...

Last Thursday morning I got up at the usual 2am and thought I was going to pack Steve's lunch, well it did not exactly work out the way I had planned. Within a few minutes I was drenched in sweat, shivering with chills and throwing up. In the blink of an eye I was to sick to even stand up and was driven to bed for the next 4 days, it was just yesterday that I could keep food down and finally was able to get up and move to the living room and lay on the couch to watch a little television. I can say this has been one of the worst four days, since my cancer surgery. I could not eat, drink, get comfortable, stay cool or stay warm...sounds weird but I alternated between sweating and freezing...doctor really wanted me to go to the hospital, but I convinced her I would force fluids and she sent me some fabulous anti-nausea pills with the promise if I was not better by the next day I would revisit the idea of going to the hospital. I was lucky that Steve took great care of me and got anything I thought I could keep down, thankfully chicken broth, jell-o and watermelon have finally come to an agreement with my stomach and at last I can eat something...I feel so much better than I have the past few days and I am so thankful that I have a loving husband that tries to do everything he can for me. The most heartbreaking part is the fear in his eyes if I feel bad and the panic that was on his face Thursday, Friday, Saturday...and then the relief that came this morning when he realized that I was feeling better, a little weak but sooooo much better. I actually feel like I will be able to eat breakfast in a little while and with food will return my strength. Of course I was sworn to not do anything today, to just lay around and recouperate...and the way I still feel that is one promise that is not going to be hard to keep. I am going to spend the day eating whatever my body will tolerate, drink plenty of fluids and maybe I will work on the afghan I started before this hit me. I sure won't feel guilty about not doing housework today, but I hate to waste the day so maybe crocheting is just what I need today.  I am so thankful for my Steve, my doctors and the many blessings I have been given, please do not take life for granted it is the most precious gift that you have ever received...don't let it pass you by...live it to the fullest. When life seems difficult, remember to never give up...to give up is to lose and loosing is not a option. Hug a kid, kiss your loved ones and don't be shy to tell them how much they mean to you...it is a sweet loving gesture that we don't practice nearly enough in the crazy world, slow down and enjoy the beauty around us... My wish for every one of you is HEALTH, HAPPINESS, PEACE & LOVE my friends...

Cancer is like a "changing of the guards"....never give up there are caring people out there...

Your life will forever be changed when you get cancer. That is just the plain simple truth of the matter, it does not matter if you survive, people still treat you differently. I read a blog where all the bloggers were cancer survivors and every one of them had a story of former "friends" and how they had deserted them, quit calling, inviting them to functions, e-mailing, etc. This is a repeating story among a group of people that need their friends and family now more than ever. It is a damn shame that your "friends" don't have the stomach to talk to you about how you feel or what you may need...I have spent my whole life trying to help my friends and others, but when I got sick I saw just who my friends were and it was an eye opening day!!! For many months I hurt to much to even think about who was calling and stopping by and who wasn't...then one day after about the 20th phone call to a friend that was unanswered and the messages unanswered that it dawned on me that all my "friends" had disappeared, not just busy and had not seen for a while, but as all the other people say, they just dropped off the face of the earth. No one called to ask how I felt, if I needed a meal cooked, help with laundry or housework, a ride to the doctor, a ride to the grocery store or pharmacy(as I now have 14 prescriptions/month), if I wanted to go out for lunch or just talk...I want everybody to know, that yes we have changed and that cancer is now a part of our life but if you call yourself a friend and turn your back on a sick friend, then you are nothing but a selfish, self-centered ass!!!!! I am tired of making excuses for all my "friends", they can't take it or they love me to much to watch this, they are busy, well bullshit!! HELLO we are fighting for our lives and you are worried about your feelings, well I am sorry but frankly I don't care. The only good thing about cancer as far as I am concerned is it pushed me on the computer, then facebook and now blogging...I reconnected with lots of old school friends and classmates, and blogging gets all this off my chest. I am sorry that you have been blasted with all this today but after reading all those blogs it just made me think about the way I was treated. I now have a new group of friends, we check on each other every day on facebook, we let each other know what we are doing and what is going on in our lives, we are getting together Saturday for a picnic and we sincerely care about each other. So never give up, there are caring people out there. Be grateful for your health and loved ones...hug a kid, kiss a friend, smile at a stranger...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.

I have been busy as a bee crocheting afghans...

I hope each of you are having a great time and are doing well. I have not been blogging or on the computer for a few days because I have been busy as a bee crocheting afghans. I made a blue one for a lady and made $50 so it was worth it, I sit around a lot
and have to kinda pace my work anyways, so why not crochet while sitting and make

a little spending money? Also, I have a sick friend who I thought needed a "lap blanket" so I made her one, too! Gotta go mail it sometime today. So I guess "Blankies by Becky" may just turn into a small cottage business. Cottage being my house and my front porch. There is nothing as nice,on the porch in the rocker or swing crocheting, rather it is a small afghan for a baby or a larger one for laps or sofas. It is something that soothes the soul seeing something beautiful come together out of a piece of yarn, a stick and a crochet hook. I have always made afghans for everyone I know, so lets see if I can make a go of selling some of them. The days have been so pleasant recently it has been wonderful sitting and listening to the wildlife around me and making afghans. When I crochet I can ignore the pain I am having and instead imagine the small person who will end up with it. It makes me happy to make them and it is really making me happy now that I figured out I should sell them...go figure! duh!!
I have really been letting my housework go so I guess I will have to go and do a little before the dust bunnies take over. And of course I am starting another afghan, this one is varigated baby yarn and will be for sale in a few days. I will post it when it is done.
I hope each of you have an amazing day and be careful in the heat, stay hydrated and be safe. Remember to be thankful for your health, love you family and friends, hug a kid, kiss a friend and tell them how much they mean to you. Remember you can live life alone, but it is not nearly as much fun. Enjoy each day of your life, don't dwell on all the stuff you can't do anything about...rejoice and live life don't waste it!!!  Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.  :)

What a delightful day this is ...

The rains came through last night and along with it comes cooler less humid weather. I have just finished the baby afghan I promised by Sunday, now I only hope the lady has not changed her mind. It is such a delightful day compared to what we have had...I love sitting in the rocking chair to work on my crocheting and today has been perfect. It sure is nice being able to sit on the porch do some work and enjoy the sounds of nature all around. The birds are flying around and singing their little hearts out, of course the neighborhood symphony of dogs are barking and every once in a while someone goes by. The sun is shining and there is a slight breeze blowing, this day is so refreshing and it sure does make you glad to be alive and able to enjoy it. Take some time to stop and smell the flowers as they say...today is to nice to be wasted and not enjoyed. I guess I will have to make myself come in and do a few chores, since I have let a lot of things go so I could make an afghan before Sunday. I am going to do a few loads of laundry and unload the dishwasher...then I am going to start another baby afghan. Remember to be thankful for everyone and everything you have been blessed with, be grateful for your health and live life don't waste it! Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.

Must be what they call the "Dog Days of Summer", too hot to do anything...

I went out on my front porch this morning at about 3am and it was not to bad, as the sun rose and the day wore on the temps rose and so did the humidity...I am glad that there is nothing I have to do outside, because it would be severely neglected today and the past few days. The only good thing about this weather is that I don't feel bad sitting inside crocheting. I am almost finished the baby afghan I am working on for a lady I met at Walmart, in the infant department, her hairdresser is having a baby boy and the shower is Sunday, so I am well ahead of the schedule, if I work on it steady this afternoon I should be finished today or early in the morning. I have found that even a year after surgery if I sit too long crocheting that my scar and side hurt, so I have had to pace myself but I am still 3 days ahead of schedule so there is no pressure. haha, it is great that this is working out. Nothing exciting is happening, just a hot day that drives everyone indoors to seek the refuge of air conditioning. I want everyone to be grateful for your health and all the people in your life that love you, life is a precious gift to be lived to the fullest and enjoyed, not wasted away, treasure all your loved ones, enjoy the beauty of the day and hug your kids. Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.

The summer heat drives me indoors...working on baby afghan...

With temps hitting 97 degrees today I for sure will be doing inside stuff. I don't know about you all but this heat is brutal on me, not only does it mess with my MS and COPD it is just plain out miserable, even the plants hate it...I am so lucky to have air conditioning and be fortunate enough not to have to go out in it. I have been working on a baby afghan for the past 2 days and I will be finished in another day or 2, and yesterday I had a lady inquire about a twin size bedspread for her daughter so we shall see, if she really wants one...that is gonna be a long project but I kinda hope she does order one. I have made 2 queen and 2 king size bedspreads before so a twin should be easy enough, just have to figure out what to charge for it. Don't want to overcharge, but I would like to make something out of it. Crocheting has always been a favorite past-time for me, I don't even know how many afghans I have made in the last 30 years but I can tell you I have only sold 3...2 baby afghans and 1 lap blanket, so I guess it is about time I wise up and start selling them instead of just giving them away. Of the many I have given away I don't remember getting a call one time to say thanks. At least this way I can at least cover the cost of the yarn. I hope you all have a wonderful day, stay cool and hydrated!!! do what you need to do outdoors early this morning before it gets to hot. Remember to be thankful for everything you have, your loved ones and your health. Do not take anything for granted, life is a precious gift to be lived and enjoyed not wasted and piddled away...hug a friend, kiss a kid and smile. Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive results...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends!

I have missed you all....

I have missed you all for the past few days, I have not been on the computer much because I have not felt well and I have been trying to get some house work done when I do feel ok. I hope everyone has been having a good start to summer and have been enjoying the nice days. My front porch is one of my favorite places to be when the weather is not to hot, to just sit in the swing or rocker and listen to the birds singing and all the other little country critters. Since I have not been doing a lot of work, I have been crocheting again. I actually met a lady in Walmart yesterday and got an order for an afghan...for me this is a win win situation, I get to make baby afghans which I love to do and I get paid to do it...what could be better? Maybe this is a way to make a little spending money, make a couple of baby afghans a month and who knows maybe it will become a cottage industry. I can only hope! Anyways I just wanted to touch base and let everyone know I am ok, just busy crocheting.  Maybe "Becky's Blankies" could become my next venture, instead of giving them away I could actually make a small amount to pay for the yarn and a little extra for my time and work. Have a marvelous day and a wonderful week ahead, remember to always be thankful for everything you have, cherish your loved ones, be loyal to your friends and always be understanding of others. Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive results...

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends!!!