It seems like I have a few good days and then a few more bad days...It sure is hard trying to kick a bug these days, I guess they were not kidding when they told me I would have to be careful without my spleen. I don't want to be one of those people that wear a surgical mask in public, but darn I am starting to give it second thoughts, I don't know what or where I got this last little treat for my body, I just know I have felt like crap for over 10 days and I am so ready to feel better. I try to keep positive but it sure gets harder when you are sick and feel terrible. Every virus always conjures images of the cancer grouping together or the pancreatic cancer returning...yes I know that stress is one of the worst things for me but it is really difficult...I have been so sick that I have not been able to do anything and I really mean anything and of course the mind starts to ramble. I am feeling better today so I am looking forward to crocheting a little. I was in full swing with my blankies and then boom to sick to even sit up and crochet. Well with that behind me I am eager to start back on them. I am currently about 12 rows in on a baby afghan, I hope to have it ready for sale in a few days. Making the blankies really makes me happy and it is something beautiful to do while sitting watching tv or doing nothing. I hate to waste time and finally being able to crochet again is a blessing. I am convinced that I can convince my body that it is feeling better and we need to get back in the groove. I refuse to go thru the surgery and everything I have been through the past year or so just to give up now. I must admit that this has been a very depressing time for me, since you lose most of your friends when you get cancer I have had to struggle to take of myself while Steve is at work. Everyone thinks that when you get out of the hospital, bam, you are back and don't need anything. I have been so sick I was unable to even get up and heat a can of soup for days, and I am so disappointed that not one person called to even ask if I needed anything. I have certainly re-thought how I am going to handle things myself from now on. I am not going to be the first to jump in and help, this past 10 days have been a lesson in the hell I have to look forward to, I will lay hungry until Steve gets home because no one has time to do anything for you, I will be unable to go to the doctor until Steve gets home...I really don't like the way this plays out that Steve is stuck with a sick wife that is not doing what she used to do and still has to work and then try to help pick up the slack, as much as I hate to admit it, there are so many things that are still very hard for me to do. It is harder to admit that I have spent my whole life doing for others and taking care of people, only to have them disappear like rats on a sinking ship. Yes I may be dying, but I hope I have a lot of life left to live and contribute. And I really wish everyone would wait until I am dead to bury and forget me. Sorry that today is not perky and cheerful, but today I am the person who has cancer and a host of other medical conditions, I don't feel well and you need to know that is part of this journey as well. Tomorrow will be a better day, I cannot afford to let myself dwell in this place, so tomorrow will be a bright new day. Remember to be grateful for all you have, hug a kid and love like there is no tomorrow...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends. :)
