The first IV chemo is done...geez what an ordeal...

For the first time since I have been going to Dr. Stewart I completely broke down in her office Wednesday before my first IV chemo treatment, too much stress I guess. But let me tell you the infusion process is something else. First they put the needle in(which feels like a small spike) then a bag of saline is dripped through, then I get a bag of steroids(which help the chemo work better) and anti-nausea/anxiety medication,  then the big guns the chemo "Gemzar" and lastly another bag of saline to clean the line. I am one of the very fortunate ones because my infusion time is 1 - 1 1/2 hrs. tops, some of these poor souls infuse for 8 hours. Thank goodness it is only once a week for this. Now I have to be careful being around people because my immune system, which is almost non-existant anyway is now weaker...great!

Hopefully, the Gemzar will slow down the pancreatic cancer growth, give me a little longer to live and feel better while alive. I know this is uncomfortable for a lot of people to talk about...dying...but, it is in my future and I cannot afford to ignore it.
This chemo regiment is not going to be the big cure all, like I said it may give me more time if it shrinks the mass...but radiation and chemo pills shrunk it a little but not as much as the doctors had hoped. Just hope this works better, the main thing is to help me feel better. The nausea has been one of the worst things, I am continually losing weight, I am now at 109 lbs. The only good thing about that is they dose you according to your size...thank God I don't weight 250 lbs. I would not be able to afford the medicine and it would take all day to infuse.

This is a very frustrating experience, not being able to do the things you want to, not being able to eat, nausea all the time, loosing weight despite your best efforts...actually I feel like I am being eaten alive from the inside out. I certainly had hoped after I had surgery 19months ago it would buy me more quality time than this. I am praying that after this round of IV chemo, maybe the cancer will settle down for awhile. I am trying to brace Steve for the inevitable, BUT he really does not want to accept it...I am very worried about him.

I am sorry that I keep coming and going, but I am not doing very well and sitting at the computer is to tiring. Boy would I love to have a laptop, then I could just lay back and keep in touch...but with all the medical bills I will never be able to afford a laptop now. I will try to keep you posted as the treatments go on, don't know if I will feel better or worse as they do. But remember that just because I am not online does not mean I am not thinking of each and every one of you. I just don't have the energy...

I hope everyone has an incrediable weekend, spend it with someone you love if you can, remember to tell the people in your life how much they mean to you, be thankful for everything you have, health, a warm home, food to eat everyday and people who love you.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends....  :)