I was told I might benefit from a support group and they have such a large family they do not have time to do anything for me. Well first let me say that I have not called and asked her for help so I do not know what that is all about. Also, it was pointed out that she was tired of me trying to make her feel guilty for not helping me...again, I made a general statement, that is true...my friends have stopped calling and Steve is the one person that I count on. I have friends that I know I can call if I need them, but so far I have not had to do that. I am trying to be self-sufficent and do everything I can, it may be slower but I manage. I was also told to get out of "that" house, well that is all well and good, but I would ask do you really want me on the highway driving while I am taking medication for pain and anxiety, am dizzy and have double vision? Perhaps you think that is a good idea, but personally I do not.
I love my home...I have everything that I need and want. Steve works very hard to make things comfortable for me and take care of us. I really am not worried about getting out much. I have never been the window shopping kind of person, if I can't afford it I am not going to go look at bunch of stuff I can't buy, with the MS my vision makes it "unusual" being in a different enviroment, so what may be fun for you is confusion and nervewracking for me, that is why I like to stay home. From lounging on the front porch to just watching tv, I can do what I want to do when I want to do it, be comfortable and in control.
I am sorry but I will continue to write what I have on my mind, I am not forcing anyone to read this blog but I am sharing in the cancer community. For those of you that are not aware, my story just mirrors about 95% of the stories you read and share on
the cancer sites. Most of the survivors and those still fighting are having the same experiences I am having. I have always tried to be supportive of my family and friends and I will continue to do so because that is my genetic makeup...but I also have to take care of myself and sometimes that is venting about the things that are bothering me. I cannot control so many of the medical things wrong with my body, but I can release the tensions that build up because of it.
Just because I have a few down days does not mean that I find no joy in life. I actually have a really good life, I appreciate the value of life and how quickly it can disappear, I value the days I feel good, I love my husband Steve and my little dog Janie...my world is good. I just happen to have cancer. I have to live with that fact and not let it rule my world anymore than it does. Yes a lot has changed, but I am still the same person...I cry when someone hurts my feelings, I have fear of what the lymphoma is going to do to me, I bleed when I cut myself and I dream of a future. I still have a lot to give and a lot of life to live and I intend to enjoy as much of it as I can.
I am going to go sit on the front porch and watch the sun come up, it is nice and cool this morning, the night sounds are soothing...sounds like the perfect place to have another cup of coffee and start the day. My sister always refers to my house as sort of a mountain retreat and in many ways she is right...it certainly is my retreat and I love it.
