Fear, Hope, Faith & Joy...

Fear, hope and faith are three things that I have a lot of. To say you do not have fear is a lie! You cannot go thru cancer of any kind, especially pancreatic cancer and not have fear. I fear it will come back, then what will I do...the only answer is die...I do not especially fear dying itself, I fear the process. I am fiercely independent, I do everything in my home and love to play in the dirt of my flower beds...these are the things I fear being taken away from me as the body shuts down. I have seen to many people, family & friends, die from cancer and it is that pain and loss of control I fear. BUT, fear is only a small part of what is happening around me, I have hope, hope for a future, hope that someday the pain will just be gone and hope the lymphoma does not group and start doing whatever it is going to do, hope that the little piece of pancreas I have left will do its job and stay healthy. I have faith in whatever will be will be...I am living in the belief that God will not give you more than you can bear. You cannot be crippled by the fear of what if, what if this, what if that...you will what if your life away and miss out on so much joy and happiness. I find joy in digging in the dirt and watching a beautiful plant grow and thrive, I find joy in sharing my plants with friends and having them enjoy their beauty. I enjoy the feeling of warm sunshine on my face. I love watching my little dog play, I love just walking around my yard and "looking" at everything. I am patiently waiting for my tomatoes to bear fruit, my mouth is watering for that first tomato sandwich of the summer! It is a process, learning how to do the balancing act, deal with every emotion, just don't let any one overwhelm you. If you need help ask for it, that has been one of the hardest things for me to do. Remember today is the first day of the rest of your life, make it a good one...one you can be proud of!