Blackberry cobbler may not be on the diabetic diet, but damn it was good...

Steve went to West Virginia this weekend and helped friends of ours do some major repairs to their bathroom...and as they say no good deed goes unpaid, I was sent zucchini, yellow & white squash, cucumbers and half of a delicious blackberry cobbler. So yesterday when I went to the store I picked up some vanilla ice cream which goes perfectly with the cobbler. The way my appetite has been going lately, I am not going to worry about a little cobbler and ice cream. I will gladly eat anything that does not make me feel like I have to throw up.

Today is looking pretty nice, it is gonna be hard to get motivated to clean and do chores inside, I am more inclined to go sit on the front porch and finish my afghan. I am putting the border on it and it will be done. It is hard to tell which way the wind will blow me, I don't really make plans anymore I just sorta go with the flow. And with the temps better, not as much humidity, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, traffic is moving around with people getting to work, the squirrels are running around in the yard playing and of course Janie is checking everything out in the yard this morning...I don't know, I may just have to go out for a few hours anyway.

Ok gonna go for now, I need to take something out of the freezer for dinner and decide what to do today, one thing for sure I am not going to do to much, I have a nagging pain under my ribs this morning so motivation is gonna be hard to get.

Be thankful for your health, the people that love you and everything you have been blessed with. Live your life don't waste it, it is the most precious gift you have been given!  Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome....

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...  :)

Spent the afternoon sitting under the trees at the picnic table...

Yep, I took a shower, went to the store and picked up a few things. When I got home I put the groceries and prescriptions away, by that time Steve was home. Well needless to say it was a pleasant afternoon in the edge of our woods, where the picnic table is. So instead of cleaning up the kitchen, doing laundry or any of the many chores I could have been doing...I got a cold drink and went out and spent the afternoon sitting under the trees, at the picnic table with Steve, watching the squirrels and birds playing in the woods. It was such a pleasant relaxing afternoon, there was a little breeze that took the edge off the heat and being in the shaded woods was great. And I had some good quality time with Steve just doing nothing...

This morning I got up at my usual 2am, sorry but that is the schedule of a service person...gotta do the work when the buildings are unoccupied. I have cleaned up the kitchen and am waiting for a load of laundry to finish so I can run the dishwasher. I hope to at least vaccum but I don't know I am running out of steam, so this may be a light work day...I have decided that I cannot do as much as I might want to, if I push myself to hard I will just pay for it later. Having cancer does suck your energy faster than if you didn't have it. You would think after 14 months I would be used to it by now, but I don't think you ever get used to it, you just come to an agreement with it.

At least I can crochet some today, maybe even finish the current baby afghan I am making...if I don't sell them as I make them, there is a craft show before Christmas and I may get a table and sell them there! :) That would be good to, Christmas cash would be grand. Any cash would be grand.

Speaking of money, I am going to talk to my primary doctor when I go her about "disability"...someone asked me if I was getting ss disability and I told them no, I did not consider myself "disabled" and they laughed...laughed right in my face...not being mean, but because I didn't consider my disabled. They pointed out all the medical issues I have and how my health issues interfere with my day to day living. I don't want to be a sponge on an already stressed program, but with all the benefits that even illegal aliens get, I think I am going to check into it...I sure worked all my life and paid into social security and medicare just like everybody else...so if I am qualified to receive it I am going to apply for it.

Ok, laundry in the dryer and the dishwasher is washing. I guess it is time to get off the computer and fix breakfast so I can take my handful of morning pills. Then I am going to move to the front porch and enjoy the day awakening. I love the early morning hours, it is quiet except for the night creatures...crickets are chirping, birds are singing and the sun is just beginning to break on the horizon...hope it is gonna be a good day, calling for some possible showers today and that's ok we can use it.

As always be thankful for your health and your loved ones...hug a kid, tell a friend how much they mean to you, be kind and don't dwell on yourself there is someone worse off, think of those less fortunate and smile...it could be the only kindness someone sees today.  Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome...

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends! :)

It's Monday morning...starting a new week...

Here we are beginning a new week. I got up at 2am with Steve this morning, and let me tell you that is not the time to be making Hillshire Farm Roast beef sandwiches, especially if your stomach is a little on the so so side. When the aroma of all the garlic and spices assault your senses at that time of the morning is a little overwhelming. Thank goodness Steve wrapped it up for me and saved me from it...I guess he is gonna be eating turkey & chicken for a while. :) 

This morning has been very pleasant, the air is a bit cooler than the past few days, there is a gentle breeze and a lot less humidity. I guess the days are gonna be hot but right now it is really nice out. I enjoy sitting on my front porch on mornings like this and have a second cup of coffee and maybe crochet a little. I have had to slow down on the crocheting because it is hurting my scar a little, so I have to do a few rows and put it down for a little bit and then I can go back and do a few more. Sure will be glad when all the pain and soreness is gone...it is amazing how much some places still ache even after all this time. Guess eventually it will go away!

With the start of a new week I hope everyone has an amazing week, remember to be thoughtful of others, thankful for your health, your home, the clothes you wear, the food you eat everyday, remember some people are not lucky enough to eat everyday.
Be grateful for the people that you love and think of those less fortunate.

This week we should all pray for the government to get their act together and find a solution to the economic woes, unemployment and all the other problems we have.  They are making our country look weak and foolish. I think they are well compensated to do their jobs...so what is the problem? In a democracy it is supposed to be compromise, where are any of these guys compromising on anything but their own salary increases. They need to cut the bull, do their jobs and quit whining about it.

Ok enough of that, I am going to go do a load of laundry and straighten up a little. Maybe today I will get to work on the afghan some more, I am down to 5 rows on the stick which is what hurts and then put the border on it and it is done!! Yeah!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

I slept, snacked and crocheted most of the day Saturday...

Well at least we got a little rain, but now it is humid as a sauna out there this morning. I hate hot humid days, those are the ones that drive me indoors with the air conditioning on. It seems that the humid days just drain my energy and strength...and it takes forever to get motivated to do anything. Hopefully as the sun comes up the humidity will go away too. 

Hopefully, Steve will be home soon, he went to West Virginia yesterday to help a friend rework a bathroom. That is one of the drawbacks of having someone that can do anything...when something goes wrong everyone knows who to call. But really I don't mind these are good friends and it will save them a boatload of money. I took advantage of him being gone yesterday and just slept and snacked pretty much all day. I did some work on the baby afghan I am making, I have about 12 rows and the border and it will be done. Guess I will do some more work on it today, maybe even come close to fininishing it...depending on how much I can do today.

I really wish I could come up with something good to cook...I am tired of the same old thing and need a new taste sensation, guess I am going to have to put the old thinking cap on. It would really help if I did not have this aversion to raw meat. I have no idea where it came from, but for quite a while now I have this thing with raw meat. I can eat some of it, if Steve cooks it or preps it for me. I guess I should be grateful for all the frozen things I can get and cook, but they are just not the same as homemade. Hmmm.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, remember to be thankful for your health, the people that you love and everything you have been blessed with. No matter what problems you have believe me there are others worse off than you, if people stopped thinking just about themselves the world would be a better place...don't be a fake friend you either are or you aren't...I have found that some of my "friends" turned out to be "people I know" instead and that is ok, because we do get to choose our friends and I am definately better off without some of mine. Being sick does give you that time you need to really sort things out. Most think being a friend is "doing" something for you but that is not what it is all about, if you don't care enough to pick up the phone and call and just say hi, how are you doing?...then you are not a friend, you are a person I know and I know a lot of people.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends. :)

I am tired of being told to "get out of that house"...I love my home, it is my haven...

I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings with my blog, but I do want everyone to remember that I started this blog to vent and also to give my opinion on living with cancer or whatever I felt like writing about. Yesterday's blog was not taken very well by someone I know and I got a personal message reprimanding me for it.

I was told I might benefit from a support group and they have such a large family they do not have time to do anything for me. Well first let me say that I have not called and asked her for help so I do not know what that is all about. Also, it was pointed out that she was tired of me trying to make her feel guilty for not helping me...again, I made a general statement, that is true...my friends have stopped calling and Steve is the one person that I count on. I have friends that I know I can call if I need them, but so far I have not had to do that. I am trying to be self-sufficent and do everything I can, it may be slower but I manage. I was also told to get out of "that" house, well that is all well and good, but I would ask do you really want me on the highway driving while I am taking medication for pain and anxiety, am dizzy and have double vision? Perhaps you think that is a good idea, but personally I do not.

I love my home...I have everything that I need and want. Steve works very hard to make things comfortable for me and take care of us. I really am not worried about getting out much. I have never been the window shopping kind of person, if I can't afford it I am not going to go look at bunch of stuff I can't buy, with the MS my vision makes it "unusual" being in a different enviroment, so what may be fun for you is confusion and nervewracking for me, that is why I like to stay home. From lounging on the front porch to just watching tv, I can do what I want to do when I want to do it, be comfortable and in control.

I am sorry but I will continue to write what I have on my mind, I am not forcing anyone to read this blog but I am sharing in the cancer community. For those of you that are not aware, my story just mirrors about 95% of the stories you read and share on
 the cancer sites. Most of the survivors and those still fighting are having the same experiences I am having. I have always tried to be supportive of my family and friends and I will continue to do so because that is my genetic makeup...but I also have to take care of myself and sometimes that is venting about the things that are bothering me. I cannot control so many of the medical things wrong with my body, but I can release the tensions that build up because of it.

Just because I have a few down days does not mean that I find no joy in life. I actually have a really good life, I appreciate the value of life and how quickly it can disappear, I value the days I feel good, I love my husband Steve and my little dog Janie...my world is good. I just happen to have cancer. I have to live with that fact and not let it rule my world anymore than it does. Yes a lot has changed, but I am still the same person...I cry when someone hurts my feelings, I have fear of what the lymphoma is going to do to me, I bleed when I cut myself and I dream of a future. I still have a lot to give and a lot of life to live and I intend to enjoy as much of it as I can.

I am going to go sit on the front porch and watch the sun come up, it is nice and cool this morning, the night sounds are soothing...sounds like the perfect place to have another cup of coffee and start the day. My sister always refers to my house as sort of a mountain retreat and in many ways she is right...it certainly is my retreat and I love it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Remember to be grateful for your health, your loved ones, the home you live in, the food you eat and everything you have been blessed with. Hug a kid, kiss a loved one...always let the people you love know how much they mean to you. Live life don't waste it, it is the most precious gift you will ever receive. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...  :)

Smiles are free, so why not give a few away today? :)

I don't know where the expression "dog days of summer" really comes from, but I would have called it the "turtle days of summer"...the last few weeks all I have been able to do is stick my head out the door and then right back in, more like a turtle to me. I cannot take the heat and at the same time I have to wear a sweater in the air conditioning...go figure, I am not even trying to figure my body out anymore, there is too much going on in there for me to control any of it anyways. I do the best I can, I eat as much and as well as my body allows, I rest pretty much all the time...no energy at all these days, and I plug along each day.

I have found that my crocheting has been the biggest diversion for me so far. I do not feel like dragging out the sewing machine and sewing, so I can whip out the old crochet hook and a skein of yarn and wala, afghans...any color any size. I am even thinking about making a card to put up and give out, maybe I could get some orders and make a little money for them instead of giving them away all the time. Oh, I don't mind giving them away...I just got my feelings hurt in May, asked someone I knew who was pregnant to stop by and get her afghan, long story short I have not seen or heard from her...so I gave it to someone else a couple of weeks ago. After that I decided to just make and sell them, that way I don't get my feelings hurt...

There seems to be very little that you can control but you can control your actions. I have found that after cancer people treat you completely different. I think a lot of people would like to see an isolation island and just ship us there, so we don't interfere with your lives and time. I would like everyone to know I may have cancer, but I am still very much alive. I have bad days and weeks and I deal with them alone, except for my husband Steve. I don't ask anyone to do anything for me, because I am tired of being let down or lied to...but just remember not to ask me to do anything for you anymore, because now I do not have the time for you either...all my time and energy are going to be used to fight my cancer and help those who deserve it.

It is funny how people that I have reconnected with from my past have been more supportive than my so-called friends down the street. I know that facebook gets a bad rap on some fronts, but it has been wonderful for me. I have gotten back in touch with old friends and classmates and gave me company when I was sick and alone. My facebook family is always there with a comforting word, encouragement and kudos when things go great. I can share with them and have the sense of release that a good therapy session would do. Everyone has something they are going thru, illness, disease, sick children, financial difficulties, family problems whatever, none of us are immune to the heartaches of life. Remember to be kind to those less fortunate, appreciate the wonderous gift of life and your health, hug a kid, kiss your loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you.

Remember smiles are free, so why not give a few away today? :)

Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive outcome...

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!!!  :)


Janie sending a smile! :)



Pancreatic cancer surgery was 14 months ago today...

It is amazing that it has been 14 months since I had surgery. I must admit that this has been one of the most difficult years of my life, both physically and mentally. If you don't keep a tight grip on yourself it is very easy to just let depression take over and then you are in a whole new world of trouble...because depression will eat you alive and make you think of crazy things. Believe me you have your plate full just healing after surgery, you don't have the energy for depression.

I always thought that I would have heart disease and that is what I would die of, hopefully at an old age...my grandmother, mother, sister, aunts and cousins all have/had heart disease, oh I have a-fib, high blood pressure and high cholesterol but not the problems they all have or had. No one that is blood related to me had cancer so that really was not a large concern for me...haha, that joke was on me!!! I guess it was like everything else when it came to my blood relatives, I have always been the odd person out, not really belonging anywhere, not quite like them, and sure as hell not accepted by them. Guess that is why most of them refer to me as the "black sheep" of the family.

Actually, my aunts, cousins, brother, nieces and nephews that are blood related don't even know that I had cancer surgery or that I have NH lymphoma. They have not spoken to me in years, most of them since my grandmother died, a few had been in touch from time to time over the years but not in the last 20 yrs. or so...The only reason any of them will be sorry when I die is they will not be getting anything in the will. My sister always tells everybody I have no children so her kids are my heirs....WRONG, none of the 3 talk to me or treat me like an aunt, so why should they get anything? I made the decision last year before I had surgery how my things would go, Steve gets everything, or if he precedes me St. Judes Childrens Hospital will get it. After having cancer I can not think of a better place for all my hard earned money to go...no child should ever have to go thru this and parents certainly should not have to worry about the bills. So that will be my gift to them.

I am so thankful to Dr. Landrio for finding my cancer,  Dr. Adams for doing my surgery and Dr. Stewart for my continuing care. I know I am one of the lucky ones, and I am so grateful to be alive. Please do not waste your life, it is precious and can be gone in the blink of an eye. Don't waste time on petty things that do not matter, rejoice in the miracle of life, hug your kids, kiss your loved ones and tell everyone how much they mean to you...don't put it off or say you will do it tomorrow, tomorrow will not come for us one day. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!

Steve has been helping me water the tomatos, willow tree & japanese maple tree...

Well it sure is not as cool this morning as it was yesterday, guess it is gonna be one of those days, inside with the air conditioning on. That is ok because the last thing I want to do is yard work...the flower beds are full of weeds and need attention, but with the pain I have under my ribs that ain't happening...Steve has been watering the tomato plants, willow tree & japanese maple for me, so let the weeds grow I don't care.

Yesterday I started off doing a few little chores, but the laundry is still waiting...guess I will do a couple of loads today. Thankfully I feel pretty good this morning and I took a pain pill about an hour ago so I am getting relief from the pain I do have. I hate taking pain medication but when you have been cut breastbone to bellybutton, sometimes you have no choice. I am being very careful and do not take them on a regular basis but sometimes you just do what you have to do. All the doctors agree there is no reason for me to lay around in pain if I don't have to...it just stresses the body more and interfers with the healing process. I am just waiting for the day I feel normal again.

It is very difficult to keep pushing when you feel like crap...but I have no choice. I did not ask to get cancer but it has become my reality...I am trying to find my way and it is a bumpy ride that is for sure. I wish I could just lay down and pull the covers over me and not get up again, I am so tired of being sick everyday. Yes I said everyday, not all day but at some point everyday I feel sick. I am tired when I get up in the mornings and even the smallest chore wears me out. I have always been the kind of person that did what I wanted to when I wanted to, not do something then sit down and rest. I am exhausted all the time, even now, just sitting here writing this blog I can feel myself getting tired and a small wave of nausea just washed over me, thank goodness it passed but feeling this way sure can drag you down. I do wish for the old days when I felt good.

There are so many things I have to do, I have gotten so far behind on my housework that I am surprised the dust bunnies can stand it, I think a few of them even have asthma. I try to do something each day, but since I was sick things have been neglected. I guess I need to get off the computer and just do something before I lose all my energy...the goal today is to catch up on the laundry, unload the dishwasher and make a nice dinner. Maybe the eggplant parmeasan I didn't make the other day. That does not sound like to much to accompolish today. Plus,I will be working on the afghan while I am resting between chores...or if I get to tired I will just crochet.

Remember to always be thankful for everything you have, pray for those less fortunate, be loyal to your friends you never know when you will be the one that needs something, hug a kid, hug the furry kids, try to look at the positive things and not dwell on the negative and never give up...remember life is a precious gift, don't waste it. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!!!  :)

I still can't get used to my new "normal"....

I don't even know what "normal" feels like anymore. One day I get up and feel ok, other days I get up and feel like crap...sometimes I get fooled because for the first hour or so I feel ok and then wham, I feel awful. I have a doctor's appointment in 3 weeks but I may have to go before if this does not get better. I do not know where the nausea is coming from and the aversion to raw meat. For some reason I cannot stand to handle or cook meat. Looking at it or touching it just makes my stomach roll. I have to force myself to eat because I cannot afford to lose any weight. I am down almost 20 lbs. from my precancer weight and both doctors don't want me to lose anymore. This morning as I was getting dressed I looked down and saw my grandma's skin on my legs...geez I feel old today...I am tired, nauseated, have a pain under my left rib and I just feel like I am running out of steam. It is hard to stay upbeat when day after day the pain and feeling bad just won't go away. If I had a week that I felt good and normal it would be such a blessing. The hardest part is the look of pain in Steve's eyes when he watches helplessly while I am sick. I do not know how I am supposed to feel, but I had hoped it would be a lot better than this by now. In 2 days it will be 14 months since my surgery...so I am ready for the incision to NOT hurt anymore, it amazes me that I still have soreness in a few spots on and around my incision. I guess when Dr. Adams said it would be over a year for my healing process he really did know what he was talking about. I am not used to being so limited on my activity, before cancer I did a lot even with MS that I just can't do now. I keep trying, it is not because I don't try...I have listened to my doctors as far as any restrictions I have had, but now I am free to do anything I feel like doing. I just want to be able to vaccum the whole house at one time, I don't like having to do a room at a time, or even worse a room a day...why does pushing a vaccum cleaner around feel like I am running a marathon? I hate having to load the top rack of the dishwasher and having to rest before I can do the bottom rack and then have to rest again before washing the few items that don't go in the dishwasher. And cooking has become a chore not the pleasure it once was for me. I used to love to cook and bake, now I have to force myself into the kitchen, now I must sit to do a lot of the prep work and if there is meat on the menu that is not frozen, Steve preps it for me and these days has been cooking a lot of it for me also. The good thing is that all the fresh fruits and vegetables that are available now is great and we are also supporting our local farmers, which is a plus! I am sorry that today is not full of cheer, but honestly I am not feeling it this morning...it is just taking a long time to get over whatever this is and I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am trying to remember all the good things in my life and not dwell on the other, I am so lucky to have a wonderful loving husband...I have no idea where I would be without him, he works so hard to provide for us. I love, appreciate and respect him so much, so many men would have left a long time ago...we were only married 8 months when I had my first MS episode, I thought that was going to be the biggie for me, little did I know that 15 years later my whole world would change with pancreatic cancer and lymphoma. Nothing will ever be the same again. Oh, sure life goes on and it gets a little easier as time passes but you are forever changed with cancer. It is like the ever looming boom waiting to drop, but you cannot let it overtake you, you must use all your energy to stay positive and just live and enjoy life. We are all going to die, I may just die a little sooner than some of you, that is a fact that cannot be changed. The only thing I can control is how I choose to deal with it. And I choose to go down fighting...I have not had the easiest childhood and young adulthood, I have made the usual mistakes in life that everyone else makes but I like to think that I have learned from them also. And isn't that what life is all about...a journey from which we grow and learn and hopefully become better people. I choose to finish this journey with Steve, and I will try to make it as easy for him as I can. I will never give up!!! Today I am going to try and get a couple of loads of laundry done and clean up the kitchen...then crocheting some more as the abdomen allows. Remember to be thankful for your health, the people that love you and all you have been blessed with...hug a kid, kiss a loved one, tell your friends how much they mean to you, support your friends in sickness as well as health and most importantly live life, it is the most precious gift you have been given don't waste it. Pray for all of the people that are struggling in this horrible economy or who have health issues. Smiles are free, so why not give a few away today??? Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!  :)

Coffee at 3am on the front porch just can't be beat....

The morning air is fresh and a little cooler than we have been having. It is such a wonderful way to start the day. Steve has left for work, coffee in hand to the front porch I go, Janie loves to chase the bugs the outside lights draw in and I love the sounds of the night creatures...the crickets are chirping an owl somewhere very close is hooting, you can hear the deer moving thru the woods, other than that it is quiet and peaceful. To just feel good enough to finally feel like having a morning cup of coffee is a great improvement, this is the first in almost 2 weeks and it was grand!! Yesterday I finally mustered enough energy to snap the green beans that have been in the fridge patiently waiting and cooked them with some new potatoes...may I brag and say they were the best thing I have eaten in 2 weeks? Today it is gonna be eggplant parmesan and maybe even some cupcakes. I know I can't get carried away on the sweets but just a little won't kill me and if it does at least I will be happy. I have felt so bad and then got into a little depression this past 2 weeks,  I just have to force myself to get up and do something, anything and when I can't get up and do something at least I feel like crocheting again. Making baby afghans and lap blankets has always been relaxing and fun for me...I know that when a baby gets one of the afghans I make they literally have it for life and hopefully, I will be able to make a modest amount to replace the yarn and give me a little pocket money. I hope all of my friends good luck and success in the coming week, be grateful for your health, thankful for your loved ones, hug a kid, kiss a friend and tell them they are important to you. Remember all those that are less fortunate, there is always someone who is worse off than you. Don't dwell on the negative, it will pull you down at a very vunerable time...don't depend on someone else for your happiness, it comes from within and only we have the key! Health, happiness, peace and love my friends..  :)

You can't get stuck in the tunnel....never give up...

Finally I feel like I have seen the break in the light at the end of the tunnel...I actually did not get nauseated when Steve made breakfast this morning, I don't know what it is but right now my body is going through this thing with raw meat...raw meat of any kind just turns my stomach! So when I may be able to eat, I just can't stand to handle and cook it. Thank goodness we live in a frozen food paradise, I know not the best thing in the world to eat, but when you feel like crap it is so handy to just pop something in the oven or microwave. And I just have to do what I have to do. I am feeling better today, still drained like I have been working double shifts, altho I have done basically nothing for the last 11 or so days. I have been able to eat the last 2 or 3 days so that is really helping me regain my strength and of course when you physically feel better the depression lessens...I try not to whine to much about how I feel, but there are times that it is impossible to hide it. I decided that it is ok to have a bump in the road, I just won't let myself get stuck in the ditch. I have accepted the fact that there are going to be times that I just can't do the things I am used to doing, and it will either have to wait or just not get done. I am so grateful for every blessing I have, I love my husband and my little dog Janie, remember to be thankful for your health it can mean the world of difference as to how you must do things, don't forget to find the joy in being alive, where there is life there is hope...tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, hug a kid, smile at a stranger...remember no matter how bad things may be, there is always someone who is worse off, don't get to wrapped up in yourself that you forget others. Today I am going to work on a baby afghan, that always makes me feel better...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.  :)

Inside, close-up & personal....

It seems like I have a few good days and then a few more bad days...It sure is hard trying to kick a bug these days, I guess they were not kidding when they told me I would have to be careful without my spleen. I don't want to be one of those people that wear a surgical mask in public, but darn I am starting to give it second thoughts, I don't know what or where I got this last little treat for my body, I just know I have felt like crap for over 10 days and I am so ready to feel better. I try to keep positive but it sure gets harder when you are sick and feel terrible. Every virus always conjures images of the cancer grouping together or the pancreatic cancer returning...yes I know that stress is one of the worst things for me but it is really difficult...I have been so sick that I have not been able to do anything and I really mean anything and of course the mind starts to ramble. I am feeling better today so I am looking forward to crocheting a little. I was in full swing with my blankies and then boom to sick to even sit up and crochet. Well with that behind me I am eager to start back on them. I am currently about 12 rows in on a baby afghan, I hope to have it ready for sale in a few days. Making the blankies really makes me happy and it is something beautiful to do while sitting watching tv or doing nothing. I hate to waste time and finally being able to crochet again is a blessing.  I am convinced that I can convince my body that it is feeling better and we need to get back in the groove. I refuse to go thru the surgery and everything I have been through the past year or so just to give up now. I must admit that this has been a very depressing time for me, since you lose most of your friends when you get cancer I have had to struggle to take of myself while Steve is at work. Everyone thinks that when you get out of the hospital, bam, you are back and don't need anything. I have been so sick I was unable to even get up and heat a can of soup for days, and I am so disappointed that not one person called to even ask if I needed anything. I have certainly re-thought how I am going to handle things myself from now on. I am not going to be the first to jump in and help, this past 10 days have been a lesson in the hell I have to look forward to, I will lay hungry until Steve gets home because no one has time to do anything for you, I will be unable to go to the doctor until Steve gets home...I really don't like the way this plays out that Steve is stuck with a sick wife that is not doing what she used to do and still has to work and then try to help pick up the slack, as much as I hate to admit it, there are so many things that are still very hard for me to do. It is harder to admit that I have spent my whole life doing for others and taking care of people, only to have them disappear like rats on a sinking ship. Yes I may be dying, but I hope I have a lot of life left to live and contribute. And I really wish everyone would wait until I am dead to bury and forget me. Sorry that today is not perky and cheerful, but today I am the person who has cancer and a host of other medical conditions, I don't feel well and you need to know that is part of this journey as well. Tomorrow will be a better day, I cannot afford to let myself dwell in this place, so tomorrow will be a bright new day. Remember to be grateful for all you have, hug a kid and love like there is no tomorrow...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends. :)

The scary thing about getting really sick is, what is it? Virus or cancer...

Last Thursday morning I got up at the usual 2am and thought I was going to pack Steve's lunch, well it did not exactly work out the way I had planned. Within a few minutes I was drenched in sweat, shivering with chills and throwing up. In the blink of an eye I was to sick to even stand up and was driven to bed for the next 4 days, it was just yesterday that I could keep food down and finally was able to get up and move to the living room and lay on the couch to watch a little television. I can say this has been one of the worst four days, since my cancer surgery. I could not eat, drink, get comfortable, stay cool or stay warm...sounds weird but I alternated between sweating and freezing...doctor really wanted me to go to the hospital, but I convinced her I would force fluids and she sent me some fabulous anti-nausea pills with the promise if I was not better by the next day I would revisit the idea of going to the hospital. I was lucky that Steve took great care of me and got anything I thought I could keep down, thankfully chicken broth, jell-o and watermelon have finally come to an agreement with my stomach and at last I can eat something...I feel so much better than I have the past few days and I am so thankful that I have a loving husband that tries to do everything he can for me. The most heartbreaking part is the fear in his eyes if I feel bad and the panic that was on his face Thursday, Friday, Saturday...and then the relief that came this morning when he realized that I was feeling better, a little weak but sooooo much better. I actually feel like I will be able to eat breakfast in a little while and with food will return my strength. Of course I was sworn to not do anything today, to just lay around and recouperate...and the way I still feel that is one promise that is not going to be hard to keep. I am going to spend the day eating whatever my body will tolerate, drink plenty of fluids and maybe I will work on the afghan I started before this hit me. I sure won't feel guilty about not doing housework today, but I hate to waste the day so maybe crocheting is just what I need today.  I am so thankful for my Steve, my doctors and the many blessings I have been given, please do not take life for granted it is the most precious gift that you have ever received...don't let it pass you by...live it to the fullest. When life seems difficult, remember to never give up...to give up is to lose and loosing is not a option. Hug a kid, kiss your loved ones and don't be shy to tell them how much they mean to you...it is a sweet loving gesture that we don't practice nearly enough in the crazy world, slow down and enjoy the beauty around us... My wish for every one of you is HEALTH, HAPPINESS, PEACE & LOVE my friends...

Cancer is like a "changing of the guards"....never give up there are caring people out there...

Your life will forever be changed when you get cancer. That is just the plain simple truth of the matter, it does not matter if you survive, people still treat you differently. I read a blog where all the bloggers were cancer survivors and every one of them had a story of former "friends" and how they had deserted them, quit calling, inviting them to functions, e-mailing, etc. This is a repeating story among a group of people that need their friends and family now more than ever. It is a damn shame that your "friends" don't have the stomach to talk to you about how you feel or what you may need...I have spent my whole life trying to help my friends and others, but when I got sick I saw just who my friends were and it was an eye opening day!!! For many months I hurt to much to even think about who was calling and stopping by and who wasn't...then one day after about the 20th phone call to a friend that was unanswered and the messages unanswered that it dawned on me that all my "friends" had disappeared, not just busy and had not seen for a while, but as all the other people say, they just dropped off the face of the earth. No one called to ask how I felt, if I needed a meal cooked, help with laundry or housework, a ride to the doctor, a ride to the grocery store or pharmacy(as I now have 14 prescriptions/month), if I wanted to go out for lunch or just talk...I want everybody to know, that yes we have changed and that cancer is now a part of our life but if you call yourself a friend and turn your back on a sick friend, then you are nothing but a selfish, self-centered ass!!!!! I am tired of making excuses for all my "friends", they can't take it or they love me to much to watch this, they are busy, well bullshit!! HELLO we are fighting for our lives and you are worried about your feelings, well I am sorry but frankly I don't care. The only good thing about cancer as far as I am concerned is it pushed me on the computer, then facebook and now blogging...I reconnected with lots of old school friends and classmates, and blogging gets all this off my chest. I am sorry that you have been blasted with all this today but after reading all those blogs it just made me think about the way I was treated. I now have a new group of friends, we check on each other every day on facebook, we let each other know what we are doing and what is going on in our lives, we are getting together Saturday for a picnic and we sincerely care about each other. So never give up, there are caring people out there. Be grateful for your health and loved ones...hug a kid, kiss a friend, smile at a stranger...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.

I have been busy as a bee crocheting afghans...

I hope each of you are having a great time and are doing well. I have not been blogging or on the computer for a few days because I have been busy as a bee crocheting afghans. I made a blue one for a lady and made $50 so it was worth it, I sit around a lot
and have to kinda pace my work anyways, so why not crochet while sitting and make

a little spending money? Also, I have a sick friend who I thought needed a "lap blanket" so I made her one, too! Gotta go mail it sometime today. So I guess "Blankies by Becky" may just turn into a small cottage business. Cottage being my house and my front porch. There is nothing as nice,on the porch in the rocker or swing crocheting, rather it is a small afghan for a baby or a larger one for laps or sofas. It is something that soothes the soul seeing something beautiful come together out of a piece of yarn, a stick and a crochet hook. I have always made afghans for everyone I know, so lets see if I can make a go of selling some of them. The days have been so pleasant recently it has been wonderful sitting and listening to the wildlife around me and making afghans. When I crochet I can ignore the pain I am having and instead imagine the small person who will end up with it. It makes me happy to make them and it is really making me happy now that I figured out I should sell them...go figure! duh!!
I have really been letting my housework go so I guess I will have to go and do a little before the dust bunnies take over. And of course I am starting another afghan, this one is varigated baby yarn and will be for sale in a few days. I will post it when it is done.
I hope each of you have an amazing day and be careful in the heat, stay hydrated and be safe. Remember to be thankful for your health, love you family and friends, hug a kid, kiss a friend and tell them how much they mean to you. Remember you can live life alone, but it is not nearly as much fun. Enjoy each day of your life, don't dwell on all the stuff you can't do anything about...rejoice and live life don't waste it!!!  Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.  :)

What a delightful day this is ...

The rains came through last night and along with it comes cooler less humid weather. I have just finished the baby afghan I promised by Sunday, now I only hope the lady has not changed her mind. It is such a delightful day compared to what we have had...I love sitting in the rocking chair to work on my crocheting and today has been perfect. It sure is nice being able to sit on the porch do some work and enjoy the sounds of nature all around. The birds are flying around and singing their little hearts out, of course the neighborhood symphony of dogs are barking and every once in a while someone goes by. The sun is shining and there is a slight breeze blowing, this day is so refreshing and it sure does make you glad to be alive and able to enjoy it. Take some time to stop and smell the flowers as they say...today is to nice to be wasted and not enjoyed. I guess I will have to make myself come in and do a few chores, since I have let a lot of things go so I could make an afghan before Sunday. I am going to do a few loads of laundry and unload the dishwasher...then I am going to start another baby afghan. Remember to be thankful for everyone and everything you have been blessed with, be grateful for your health and live life don't waste it! Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.

Must be what they call the "Dog Days of Summer", too hot to do anything...

I went out on my front porch this morning at about 3am and it was not to bad, as the sun rose and the day wore on the temps rose and so did the humidity...I am glad that there is nothing I have to do outside, because it would be severely neglected today and the past few days. The only good thing about this weather is that I don't feel bad sitting inside crocheting. I am almost finished the baby afghan I am working on for a lady I met at Walmart, in the infant department, her hairdresser is having a baby boy and the shower is Sunday, so I am well ahead of the schedule, if I work on it steady this afternoon I should be finished today or early in the morning. I have found that even a year after surgery if I sit too long crocheting that my scar and side hurt, so I have had to pace myself but I am still 3 days ahead of schedule so there is no pressure. haha, it is great that this is working out. Nothing exciting is happening, just a hot day that drives everyone indoors to seek the refuge of air conditioning. I want everyone to be grateful for your health and all the people in your life that love you, life is a precious gift to be lived to the fullest and enjoyed, not wasted away, treasure all your loved ones, enjoy the beauty of the day and hug your kids. Health, happiness, peace & love my friends.

The summer heat drives me indoors...working on baby afghan...

With temps hitting 97 degrees today I for sure will be doing inside stuff. I don't know about you all but this heat is brutal on me, not only does it mess with my MS and COPD it is just plain out miserable, even the plants hate it...I am so lucky to have air conditioning and be fortunate enough not to have to go out in it. I have been working on a baby afghan for the past 2 days and I will be finished in another day or 2, and yesterday I had a lady inquire about a twin size bedspread for her daughter so we shall see, if she really wants one...that is gonna be a long project but I kinda hope she does order one. I have made 2 queen and 2 king size bedspreads before so a twin should be easy enough, just have to figure out what to charge for it. Don't want to overcharge, but I would like to make something out of it. Crocheting has always been a favorite past-time for me, I don't even know how many afghans I have made in the last 30 years but I can tell you I have only sold 3...2 baby afghans and 1 lap blanket, so I guess it is about time I wise up and start selling them instead of just giving them away. Of the many I have given away I don't remember getting a call one time to say thanks. At least this way I can at least cover the cost of the yarn. I hope you all have a wonderful day, stay cool and hydrated!!! do what you need to do outdoors early this morning before it gets to hot. Remember to be thankful for everything you have, your loved ones and your health. Do not take anything for granted, life is a precious gift to be lived and enjoyed not wasted and piddled away...hug a friend, kiss a kid and smile. Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive results...Health, happiness, peace & love my friends!

I have missed you all....

I have missed you all for the past few days, I have not been on the computer much because I have not felt well and I have been trying to get some house work done when I do feel ok. I hope everyone has been having a good start to summer and have been enjoying the nice days. My front porch is one of my favorite places to be when the weather is not to hot, to just sit in the swing or rocker and listen to the birds singing and all the other little country critters. Since I have not been doing a lot of work, I have been crocheting again. I actually met a lady in Walmart yesterday and got an order for an afghan...for me this is a win win situation, I get to make baby afghans which I love to do and I get paid to do it...what could be better? Maybe this is a way to make a little spending money, make a couple of baby afghans a month and who knows maybe it will become a cottage industry. I can only hope! Anyways I just wanted to touch base and let everyone know I am ok, just busy crocheting.  Maybe "Becky's Blankies" could become my next venture, instead of giving them away I could actually make a small amount to pay for the yarn and a little extra for my time and work. Have a marvelous day and a wonderful week ahead, remember to always be thankful for everything you have, cherish your loved ones, be loyal to your friends and always be understanding of others. Positive thoughts=positive energy=positive results...

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends!!!

Some days are tougher than others...

Yes it is true some days you can almost forget you have cancer and all the other things you have wrong with you, but then there are the days that even a genius could not ignore the nausea, pain and just not feeling good. I try to push myself as far as I can each day and try to make it as normal as normal is these days, but then there are days like today that I just don't care, I am tired of fighting nausea, I am tired of the pain that won't go away, I am frightened of the pain I am having in my belly, I am tired of sticking my fingers and testing my blood sugar every day, I am tired of watching what I eat, I am tired of losing weight even tho I am forcing myself to eat the 5 or 6 times a day like I am supposed to. I am tired of everything today...I guess it is time for me to go back to bed for a while and maybe when I wake up some of this stuff will have decided to give me a break today...one day, one day of feeling normal...I wonder if that is going to be in my future or am I going to feel like this forever? I'm sorry to complain but I had hoped to feel much better by now. Be grateful for your health, you will never know how important it is until you have an issue with it., show the ones that you love how much they mean to you, hug a friend, kiss your kids and be thankful for all the blessings you have been given, don't take anything for granted...life is fragile and can be gone in the blink of an eye, don't be filled with "I wish I had's" it will be to late by then and you can never go back. Health, happiness, peace & love...