3rd IV chemo infusion tomorrow, if blood work is ok...the a one week break.

Yeah, it is a shame that as soon as I start to feel a little better, then it is time for more chemo and sick, sick, sick all over again. I hope it works and is worth all it has put me through, I would hate to be making myself this sick every week and not live very long either. I do not mean to sound ungrateful, but this gets harder each week and it is just getting to me. I am the person that is usually doing something for someone or taking care of my house, shopping and laundry, not the person laying on the couch to sick or weak to get up and carry on business as usual. I am very thankful for the days that I feel like eating and can actually get something down, but I sure will be glad when I can do the cooking again...Steve tries but bless his heart he is not the best cook in the world and he gets frustrated when something goes wrong and then it sort of snowballs on him...so many dinners are just so so.

I am very grateful for everything Steve does, he has driven me to every radiation treatment, chemo infusion, doctors appointment, to do my lab work...not to mention the grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, helping with the house, specifically the kitchen...and of course the cooking. I have no idea what I would possibly do without his love, support and help. Cancer is a very scary disease and it takes a special person to stay with you in the trenches for the long haul. It is not very pretty as you lose a lot of weight and really look different...I have nausea and diarrhea often, both of which lend a hand to the fatigue, which is really one of the worst symptoms, sometimes I am actually to tired to sit up. That is why I have times that I cannot sit up at the computer long enough to blog or even write something short. I know it sounds like a bunch of bull but it is really true.

If there is one thing I can convey to everyone it is to take a few moments, put yourself in someone else's shoes and see what they are going thru...maybe your own problems will suddenly seem smaller than before. Enjoy every day of your life, each one is special and should be cherished, share your love with the people that mean something to you, don't wait to say I love you in a funeral home and regret all that was unspoken and given in life.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends! May God smile on each of you today.. :)

The morning after 2nd IV chemo infusion for recurring pancreatic cancer...

Well yesterday was the second infusion, did not go as well as the first one...ugh!!! Firstly, we had to wait almost an hour before my tech was ready for me???? Then when she was starting the IV she BENT the first needle (in the boney side of my arm), thank God the second stick went in perfectly...the infusion went pretty smooth from there.
So far the nausea I have been experiencing has been controled by my anti-nausea meds, my hair has not started coming out yet, altho it is still a little early for that to start happening...geez, bald and 109 lbs. that is going to be a great sight...better get a couple pair of large cute earrings. Actually I have started making a couple of hats - just in case. As with everything else, no one is sure if my hair will come out or not, probably they say.

Thank goodness Tuesday I made a huge pot of homemade chicken noodle soup and baked a cake, yellow cake and chocolate icing - yum! so at least I have homecooked food for a couple of days...Steve tries but you can only eat so much frozen food and it has been a long time...longer than we expected...we expected the miracle that one round of radiation and chemo would at least shrink and slow the cancer, not the wait to let my body recoup and then a round of IV chemo. I will be honest with you it takes every ounce I can muster to get thru each day. I am so tired of being "sick", I play by their rules and still get little results...these are no doubt some of the hardest days of  my life.

As we go thru life we are always complaining about something, a bad hair day, the weather, our parents, our mates and kids the high cost of gas and food, etc. I wish I had saved all that energy and enjoyed my life more in the moment, not put up with a lot of the bullshit I did...oh, don't get me wrong I have had my good moments also, we all do no matter how bad we think it was, remember there is always someone out there who has it a lot worse than you can imagine. Even today as I am fighting to have a little better quality to the time I have left I am going to embrace all the good and love around me...I am going to be like a cat curled up in the sun basking in the warm rays...I will cherish every minute I spend with my darling husband and sweet little dog...I hope my family and friends do not stop coming or calling as right now I draw energy from the love you give. I have not given up the fight but it sure is a hard one to fight day in and day out.

Remember to be grateful for everything you have been blessed with, tell those you love how much they mean to you, yes they know it, but we all like to hear it!!! :)...don't let your fear that someone is going to die stop you from still being a friend, remember being a friend sometimes is just being an ear, you don't have to put yourself out and offer to do something you know you don't want to do in the first place. And PLEASE do not make promises you are not going to keep, we have enough disappointments to deal with.

Sorry to tired to continue right now, but thanks for listening!!! this has been good for me! :)

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...May God smile on you today!!!  :)

Blood test today to see if I can receive my chemo tomorrow...

Yes, I am lucky I get to have a blood test everyweek to check my blood count, can't do chemo treatment if white cells are to low...so very important to make sure I am "healthy" enough for the infusion. IV chemo is entirely different than the pills, I have to be a lot more careful not to be around sick people, eat well and drink plenty because
dehydration is my enemy...one of many.

Yesterday I feel like I made up for not being able to eat a lot recently...I have found that yoplait yogurt will settle when other things don't...plus it is good for "us" during our chemo, the Shepherd's pie I made the other day has been very yummy...however strange it may sound if I think I can eat it I try, especially for protein. I have lost so much weight that any gain will help, at my last weigh in I was 109 lbs. so I really would love to gain a few pounds. I always hear everyone wanting to lose weight, but believe me a few extra pounds can really help if you find yourself in the position I am in. When I got sick at first I weighed 148 lbs., then when the cancer came back I weighed 132 lbs, now 109 lbs., so for those of you who think you need to lose weight please keep enough to help your body fight illness or disease. I never thought I would get pancreatic cancer, let alone think it would return after surgery,14 months later.

I am getting my day before chemo jitters, I guess everyone gets nervous...the uncomfortable stick of the chemo needle(spike), the saline, steroids, anti-nausea meds, "the big boss chemo"...now just sit and wait for the bag to drip into my vein, then one last saline bag to flush...now home to collapse on the sofa and feel like crap for a couple of days. Yeah! I get to repeat this vicious cycle 6 times this go round.

Okay, enough pity party...yesterday I was able to clean out the fridge, no big deal for most of you I know, but for me it took hours after my many breaks...but I finally got it finished, Steve is great and will do anything I ask him to do, but dumping the fridge isn't his strong suit, so it is just easier to do. Then I cleaned up the kitchen, put dishes in the dishwasher and even managed to do two loads of laundry before the fatigue caught up to me. As long as I pace myself and take breaks I can get quite a bit done, it is surprising how much you can do if you just don't give up...no matter how hard, just don't give up, giving up is not an option...

Janie has enjoyed me being on the computer, she has her own special chair that she lays in to be close to me, sometimes she insists on laying on my lap but this morning she is stretched out belly up sleeping. I think somehow she knows that I feel better if I am on the computer every day...Maybe I need to figure a way to move computer in the living room so I could have better access on the bad days...hmmmm???? I need to talk to Steve about that, hmmmm??? Gosh it is wonderful being married to a master craftsman, if I dream it he can make it happen, so maybe there is a way near the sofa, where I could still recline and have the keyboard on my lap...sort of a redneck laptray-laptop...lol I may have to give this some serious thought.

Time to go eat something, had a strawberry yogurt around 2am, but need to eat and take my morning handful of pills and then do something. On days that I can I must do something. Please take a moment to be grateful for every thing you have been blessed with, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you and how much you love them and how glad you are that they are in your life, forgive the petty stuff-reach out you may be surprised. Enjoy the day don't waste it with the what if's. Be good to yourself you deserve it!

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends! May God smile on you today!!!  :)

This morning is the start of a new day...chemo side effects not to bad, just "the fatigue"...

Some days I feel like I could sleep 20 out of 24 hours...using the 4 to eat and change positions. I know how lazy that sounds, believe me one of the hardest things about all of this is  not being able to do what I want to. In orientation they told us to exercise every day and try to walk a mile a day, outside if possible to get out of the house... :)
okay I just got up off the floor after laughing my butt off...I am lucky to have the energy to go from the bedroom to the living room, then make it over to the kitchen to get something to eat & drink. Finally, yesterday I made a Shepherd's pie, it took me about three times as long to get it together because I kept getting dizzy, but after much persistance I must say it was very tasty last night for dinner!

These days the number of foods that actually sound good to me are very limited, in fact on bad days applesauce and chicken noodle soup (mainly the broth ) have pretty much been it. Recently yoplait strawberry yogurt has been working well too and of course I drink carnation essentials instant breakfast alot...in fact the doc said if I could not eat but the instant breakfast went down well to drink it, she said 5 glasses would help keep up nutrition level.

My nerves are also a mess as you might imagine...I am doing everything I can as far as the chemo etc., but I am not going to have a happy ending. I always read about Patrick Swayze and Steve Jobs and I felt so sad for them and their families, never in a million years did I ever dream that it was to become my future also. I hate what it is doing to my Steve, he sure as hell does not deserve this. He works weirder hours, so he can get his work done and take me to all my appointments...as these days it is a lot harder to miss time from work, our insurance co-pays have gone thru the roof. I know I am lucky not to have to pay more, but my co-pay for EACH IV chemo treatment is $327.24...that is with insurance, I have no idea what we would do if we did not have insurance.

Okay, enough of the pity party...I am glad that I am able to get the treatment and medicines I need to make me feel a little better, I am thankful for a loving husband who is doing everything he can think of to make me feel better. I am thankful that at least I am not going thru this alone or unloved.

Please live everyday like it is your last, that way you will not waste it with all the petty stuff that we get caught up in. Tell those you love how much they mean to you, enjoy the simple things...

Health, happiness, peace & love my dear friends... :)

The first IV chemo is done...geez what an ordeal...

For the first time since I have been going to Dr. Stewart I completely broke down in her office Wednesday before my first IV chemo treatment, too much stress I guess. But let me tell you the infusion process is something else. First they put the needle in(which feels like a small spike) then a bag of saline is dripped through, then I get a bag of steroids(which help the chemo work better) and anti-nausea/anxiety medication,  then the big guns the chemo "Gemzar" and lastly another bag of saline to clean the line. I am one of the very fortunate ones because my infusion time is 1 - 1 1/2 hrs. tops, some of these poor souls infuse for 8 hours. Thank goodness it is only once a week for this. Now I have to be careful being around people because my immune system, which is almost non-existant anyway is now weaker...great!

Hopefully, the Gemzar will slow down the pancreatic cancer growth, give me a little longer to live and feel better while alive. I know this is uncomfortable for a lot of people to talk about...dying...but, it is in my future and I cannot afford to ignore it.
This chemo regiment is not going to be the big cure all, like I said it may give me more time if it shrinks the mass...but radiation and chemo pills shrunk it a little but not as much as the doctors had hoped. Just hope this works better, the main thing is to help me feel better. The nausea has been one of the worst things, I am continually losing weight, I am now at 109 lbs. The only good thing about that is they dose you according to your size...thank God I don't weight 250 lbs. I would not be able to afford the medicine and it would take all day to infuse.

This is a very frustrating experience, not being able to do the things you want to, not being able to eat, nausea all the time, loosing weight despite your best efforts...actually I feel like I am being eaten alive from the inside out. I certainly had hoped after I had surgery 19months ago it would buy me more quality time than this. I am praying that after this round of IV chemo, maybe the cancer will settle down for awhile. I am trying to brace Steve for the inevitable, BUT he really does not want to accept it...I am very worried about him.

I am sorry that I keep coming and going, but I am not doing very well and sitting at the computer is to tiring. Boy would I love to have a laptop, then I could just lay back and keep in touch...but with all the medical bills I will never be able to afford a laptop now. I will try to keep you posted as the treatments go on, don't know if I will feel better or worse as they do. But remember that just because I am not online does not mean I am not thinking of each and every one of you. I just don't have the energy...

I hope everyone has an incrediable weekend, spend it with someone you love if you can, remember to tell the people in your life how much they mean to you, be thankful for everything you have, health, a warm home, food to eat everyday and people who love you.

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends....  :)

Bye bye chemo & radiation side effects....

Yes, I think it is true!!! Finally I am waking up in the mornings without the nausea that has been my companion for the past several months. The past two mornings I have actually had coffee and really enjoyed it. I have been able to do a few things around the house, I just get tired easily and have to take more breaks and rest between chores. The best part behind not having nausea, is I am able to do a little cooking, so hopefully I will gain a few pounds. Steve tries, but he is not the best cook in the neighborhood and frozen dinners/entrees is just not the same as good home cooked food. Plus my food wants have changed since I have been sick and they have not returned to normal yet.

I think I will make a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup today...the temperatures are very cold and windy today so nice hot soup sounds really good, I know it is crazy to think about dinner at 3am, but when your husband does service work you keep strange hours. I did bake another lemon coconut cake and every time I look at it sitting on the counter...I think breakfast!, but no I will be a good girl and eat something healthy, then I'll have cake... :)

Today my goal is to vacuum the whole house and do two loads of laundry, well and make my soup in the background as I am doing the other stuff...I keep looking at my teapot collection on my upper kitchen cabinets, they have about 2 years of dust on them and I keep thinking I could get the step-stool, take everything down, clean the cabinets, wash everything and put it back...yes it would be great to see them nice and clean and shiny but I guess that may be a little to much, the stretching and climbing may be to much right now, so I guess I'll pass on them for a while. Their day will come sooner or later.

Okay, I guess it is time to get off the computer and get busy...remember to tell those you love how much they mean to you, don't waste your time worrying about things you cannot change, do not waste one precious day of your life with the what if's or I should have's...Have an amazing day, smile at a stranger, it may be the only one they get all day, hug a friend, just step outside and take in the glory of the day, take a deep cleansing breath and view the beauty around you for just a minute...

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends, have an amazing day!!! :)

Mmmm, what a good cup of coffee....

Oh yeah, I had an amazing cup of coffee this morning! I know most of you think that sounds crazy, but I have not been able to drink coffee since August...nausea and coffee do not mix. Steve got me one of those single cup makers for Christmas and this morning I made a cup expecting the usual roll of my stomach, but instead I truly enjoyed it...I love my morning coffee and this is just one more step back to normal for me. I am so grateful that I am starting to feel a little better, at least now I do have good days. And speaking of good days yesterday was wonderful...spent the whole day with Steve and had a great time and felt good. We ate breakfast out, got a few groceries and got me a new pair of boots, yeah!!!, I really needed a warm pair of winter boots and they are so cute and comfortable!

I wish everybody could have someone as wonderful as my Steve in their life...I do not know what I would have done the past 2 years if not for him, he works and comes home and does whatever needs to be done, plus he has taken me to every radiation treatment and doctors appt., and believe me, it is a comfort having someone that loves you there with you and for you!

As we enter a new year I am hoping that it will bring better things than last year...homes for the homeless, jobs for those looking for work, food on the table of everyone, health and happiness. We should take a moment a be thankful for all we have, as there are so many who have nothing. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, family and good friends who have been so supportive...live a good life, don't waste a precious day, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you, don't be afraid to hug your friends, hugs are very important...alot is said in a hug. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone in need, you may be surprised at how easy it is and how little it takes.

For those of you in northern Virginia, bundle up...it is gonna be a cold one today, be sure to wear warm clothes, scarves, gloves and hats!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends!!!  Have an amazing day!!!  :)

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life...

Greetings and good morning...welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! Now that Christmas and New Year's is behind us, back to our normal routines. For those lucky enough to have jobs, one more day off and then back to the work grind, for me 2 more weeks and I start IV chemo...hopefully, this will shrink the pancreatic cancer more or even better go into remission!

Yesterday I took down the Christmas decorations and cards and got the house back in order. Now today if I can find the energy to vaccum! My main Christmas gift was new rugs for my living room, dining room, dining area, hall runners to match and a wonderful comfort zone mat for the kitchen and a runner and mat for the front door. And I also got some new clothes, yeah!!!, outfits that actually fit. I have lost 36 lbs. so the only thing that still fit was my socks, lol...at least now these don't hang on me and make me look like a starving person. It is funny how proper fitting clothes make you feel better for some strange reason, and since the doctor said it was doubtful I would gain weight, well you see how it goes.

Today I hope to make another lemon coconut cake...if anyone likes lemon cake and coconut I highly suggest trying one, I use buttercream icing and it is delicious!! Yum, yum, yum, I wish everyone could have a slice! That is the thing I miss the most since I have been sick and that is cooking and baking...oh sure, Steve tries but it is just not the same and he has not attempted baking. Over the past few months he is honing his cooking skills and getting better, but it sure is hard for him, working and trying to cook, clean and take care of me when I need it. That is why I am grateful when I feel good enough to at least help. The hardest part of having cancer is not being able to do what you want to do when you want to do it. 

I hear that the temperatures are going to be very cold this week so everyone be sure to bundle up with your heavy coats, scarves, gloves and hats...winter is finally upon us!!

Remember to be grateful for everything you have and the people that love you, live your life to the fullest do not waste one precious day!!! Smile at someone today, you never know it may be the only kindness they will see today!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends...enjoy this amazing day!!!  :)

Happy New Year!!! May 2012 be better to everyone...

It is amazing that another year has passed and we are starting 2012... These days seem to sort of blur together for me, I feel like crap for a few days, then I feel pretty good for a day or two, then back to the crap feeling - I feel like a ping pong ball in the game of life. I do hope that the "sick" is because of the chemo and radiation side effects...I would hate to think that it is from the cancer again already. If that is the case and the IV chemo doesn't do better I am not sure if I will keep doing the treatments...

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas and New Year's...ours was wonderful. My best gift was I felt good and was able to make our Christmas dinner. I am so thankful for each day when I actually feel good and am able to do my normal day to day stuff. I want to thank all my family and friends for your support...this has been one of the most difficult years of my life and your support and caring have helped me get through it, it takes courage to just get out of bed each day and I could not have done it without each of you.

Today the tree gets untrimmed and taken back to the yard to wait and grow until next year...the cards will be put away and all the decorations returned to their boxes. In one way I am glad to be back to normal but then I will really miss the colored lights and pretty ornaments of the tree. Maybe I should just re-decorate it for Valentine's Day and keep it inside...hmmmm!!

I hope everyone has an amazing day and a wonderful New Year, enjoy the people that you love, tell them how much they mean to you don't hold back! live each day to the fullest, don't waste your life with the what if's or I should have's...

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends! :)

Can't sleep, so why not bake cake?!?!

Okay, I know it is 4am Christmas morning and I can't sleep, I have been awake since around 2am so I figured why not make my lemon cake? I am full of pumpkin pie from Thanksgiving so I made walnut chocolate chip & molasses cookies yesterday and have a lemon cake in the oven, it is going to have a buttercream frosting and coconut!! yum, yum...I love lemon cake and coconut, so put them together and bam! As far as I am concerned that could be my Christmas dinner, but a little later I am going to put a pot roast, potatoes, carrots, etc. in the crock pot for the real dinner. Only hope my energy will last long enough, that is why I went ahead and made the cake this morning while I felt like doing it...these days I don't know what the day will bring.

I hope each of you have an amazing day with the ones you love...I know money is tight this year but remember it is the love and people that truly make a happy Christmas, not how many brightly wrapped packages there are under the tree with your name on them.
Our little spruce tree with its beautiful bright lights and bulbs could easily be 10 ft. tall in my eyes...it is beautiful and perfect! I am truly thankful that I am starting to feel a little better and a little stronger as each day goes by. Finally I feel like eating and for me that is a good thing...there are still plenty of foods that are not on the menu but the ones my body wants are doing much better.

Enjoy the day and spread a little love and cheer!! Be thankful for your health, the safe gathering of family and friends and all you have been blessed with. I love you all and wish you a VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!! :)

Health, happiness, peace & love my friends...

I Want To Wish You a MERRY CHRISTMAS, from the Bottom of My Heart

I want to wish each and everyone of you a very Merry Christmas (or whatever you celebrate)...this year has a very special meaning for me as it could be my last. I was not even going to trim a tree, but decided that we did indeed need one this year. So I have a very beautiful (live-potted) spruce tree about 3 1/2' tall, it may be small but to me it is beautiful, it is on a table in front of a window and looks 5' tall. :)

I wish I felt good enough to make my usual cookies, but since that probably isn't going to happen I cheated yesterday and bought some Betty Crocker cookie mixes...haha so I will get some cookies after all! I should definately have the energy to whip up a mix and bake a few dozen cookies, I have plenty of time. We decided that we did not want a turkey for dinner tomorrow, so instead I am making a pot roast, potatoes, carrots & onions in the crock pot...easy, just throw everything in and turn it on...come back a few hours later and dinner is ready. Instead of the traditional pumpkin pie, I am making a lemon cake with buttercream frosting covered in coconut...yum yum!!

I did manage to make it out and get Steve a present,which was bugging me, I had not been able to drive and shop so I was getting anxious that I would not be able to get him anything and this year it was very important to me. I do not know what I would have done without Steve during all this cancer stuff, he has cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, done the grocery shopping, picked up my meds, took me to every radiation treatment and doctor's appointment...and waited on me when I was to sick and weak to get up and do for myself. So this year needs to be special for my wonderful husband.

I am going to try to get through the next 2 days with all the joy that this wonderful season brings us and put cancer on the back burner, chemo and all the other stuff will be waiting for me when Christmas is over, but I am determined to make it as normal as possible.

I hope each and everyone of you have an amazing Christmas...remember it is not the gifts, it is the love that truly makes the holidays. Live each day to the fullest we do not know what tomorrow has planned. Tell the people that you love how much they mean to you, you can never hear you are loved to much!!

Health, happiness, peace & love my dear friends!! :)

HAVE A VERY VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Live a Good Life, Don't Waste Time....

Now I have a true understanding of what an author goes thru when they get writer's block. As most of you who know me know I am seldom without something to say. Since I found out about the pancreatic cancer being back it seems like I have had writers block. Oh there is plenty that I would like to say but it seems to be blocked somehow. Most people say they can't believe how good I am handling it, well what else can I do? Hell, I am scared...scared for the pain and sickness ahead...scared for the IV chemo, scared for the debt it will put us in, scared for what it is doing to my husband Steve...I am like every other person facing pancreatic cancer. I was even willing to undergo surgery again, but the cancer is incurable this time.

I guess one reason I have not blogged more is a lot of people do not want to hear about it...they can't take it, there is so much nausea and pain that is going to come up and no one wants to hear it. Cancer is a very lonely disease, people back off because they do not want to watch you die. Oh, sure there are always a few exceptions but for the most part many people back off. An example is I have lost 20 lbs. since August, I now weigh 112 lbs. and am losing approx. a pound or so a week...most of the time you are nauseated and when you get it under control you just do not feel like eating. There are so many foods that you can't eat anymore...either because of pain in the stomach or it starts the nausea all over again.

About a week ago I started feeling a little better and the nausea was not quite as bad, so I have been able to eat a little more...the oncologist told me to eat what I could but it is doubtful that I will gain much weight right now. She is going to start the IV chemo Jan. 18th, she is giving my body time to recover from radiation and chemo pills before starting the IV chemo. Hopefully, it will shrink the cancer more and give me a little more time.

Believe me I am grateful for every day I have and I will continue to fight, in fact I was going to forgo the Christmas tree and decorations this year, but since it really could be my last Christmas I decided that I don't care if it takes me until Christmas eve to finish I am going to have a tree and put out some Christmas stuff...and somehow with Steve's help I will cook a Christmas dinner too.

I hope everyone takes a few moments and be truly thankful for everything you have been blessed with. Don't worry about money or the things you have, things are just things, I am talking about the people in your life...don't forget to be thankful for each of them. Be grateful that you have a home, bed to sleep in and food on your table everyday...remember there are people in this world of ours that go DAYS without food. Be especially thankful for your health, until you are dependant on others for your  needs you may never realize how precious it is. Live a good life don't waste it.

Health, happiness, peace and love everyone.

6 weeks 30 treatments of radiation & 60 doses of chemo and the pancreatic cancer just shrunk a little...

Yes, damn it!!!! after 6 grueling weeks of radiation and chemo I just found out today that it did shrink the cancer, BUT not as much as the oncologist would have liked, so in 4 weeks I am supposed to start IV chemo to see if it will shrink it some more. That will be administered once a week for 3 weeks then one week off, then chemo again for 3 more weeks and then they will test to see what effect it has had on the cancer.

Sorry to all of you for not letting you know something sooner, but I had been getting sick when I tried to sit up at the computer, have still been fighting nausea on a daily basis and have been feeling to bad to chat. I appreciate all the cards, calls, messages and prayers that I have received and I have missed you all.  I am starting to feel a little better, so the docs plan is to wait 4 weeks to start the next round of chemo to let me re-coup and get a little stronger. Eating is soooo hard to do, and needless to say I am still losing weight despite my best efforts...down to 112 lbs. as of today.

This has been a very difficult journey and I fear the worst is still to come. I am disappointed that the cancer is not gone or shrunken tiny, but I am glad at least it did shrink a little. I am not looking forward to more chemo but I am thankful that at least they can do something else to see if it will help.

Sorry, but I am getting very tired so I am going to go lay down and let my body and mind rest for a while. I will be back in a day or so, until then take care and remember to tell the ones you love how much they mean to you, don't wish you had one day!!! Health, happiness, peace and love my friends....

16 radiation treatments & 31 doses of chemo done....

Yeah I know it is pretty amazing that I have already done 16 radiation treatments and taken 31 doses of chemo, which means 14 radiation and 29 chemo left to do. Hi, I hope you all remember me I know it has been a long time, but this has really taken a lot out of me. I am glad to be able to say that even tho I feel like crap, I do feel better...so I am hopeful that at least it is shrinking the pancreatic cancer and as a second benefit the lymphoma too. I want to thank each and every one that has sent me cards, messages, posts, prayers, support and encouragement. To say that this has shocked me is putting it lightly, I was sure that Dr. Adams had gotten all the panreatic cancer cells and I am still reeling from this. The treatment itself is sorta brutal to the body, radation and chemo together just drain you of any energy you may hope to have. I have been lucky so far and the only problem side effect I have been having is nausea, but it responds to the medication I have for it so it is under control.

I am sorry I don't have a lot of energy and this is going to be a short blog this morning, I have been out of touch for a very long time and I just wanted to let everyone know what is going on. It is tiring, brutal and sickening...I look forward to finishing the last 14 radiation treatments and 29 doses of chemo...I pray that this kills the cancer cells. Again, I want to thank all my friends for your support and prayers, I will answer each of you later, but today I am about out of steam. I love you all and hope you live your lives to the fullest. Health, happiness, peace and love my friends.

30 or 33 radiation treatments & chemo...I hate pancreatic cancer!!!

To say I am disappointed that the pancreatic cancer is back is the understatement of the year...I am angry and pissed off that the oncologist did not just do some chemo when I had surgery. Why the hell not??? I went through agony having the surgery, so why not just as a little insurance, do a round of chemo or radiation...don't let it come back and then go oh, we'll do it now...too late!!! Now they are telling us that there is a VERY slight chance the radiation will get rid of the cancer, the hope is to shrink and maybe put it in remission for a while, but the cold hard truth is I probably only have a couple of years to live. And all because they were so confident that they had gotten all of the pancreatic cancer...well evidently there was a cell somewhere.

Sorry to sound bitter, but I guess I am, I will get over it but it is gonna take a while.

I miss all my friends on facebook, but I have not felt well and sitting at the computer does make my ab & side hurt more. Hopefully, I will not get toosick from the radiation & chemo and I can get back on here more often. I have just been curled up sleeping a lot, my energy is gone, I struggle daily with my appetite...weight is at 120.7 last time I was weighed, so it is very important to not lose anymore. 

Okay, here is the grand plan for my treatment. Today I finish the simulation, they will make sure marks are in right place, do the tattoos then I will be ready to start. On Wednesday I see the regular oncologist then 2 hours later I will have my 1st radiation treatment and I start taking the chemo pills, they are taken on the days I have radiation.
So for the next 6 weeks I will be radiated & take chemo Monday thru Friday off Saturday & Sunday...FUN????? I am NOT looking forward to this experience!!!

Sorry my side is really starting to hurt so I am going to say good bye for now and I will update everyone soon. Please remember to be thankful for everything you have and all the people who love you, be especially thankful for your health you never know when you could lose it!!!  Health, happiness, peace & love my friends... 

I just got pushed off the ledge....damn pancreatic cancer...

Of course it is the worst that it could be... pancreatic cancer is back and I have to start radiation and chemo, bloodwork every week and see the oncologist every 2 weeks unless I need her sooner. I go Friday for my first appointment with the doctor that is going to be doing the radiation. I have not had the flu I guess all the illness and throwing up are due to the pancreatic cancer, that is why I feel so bad all the time. The pancreatic enzyme markers that they check were high, so there is really no doubt even without the biopsy.

There is a small chance that the radiation and chemo will get rid of it but she emphasized small chance, but it is do the treatment and hopefully I will feel better or do nothing and it will just get worse. I am not happy with this news and I certainly had hoped that I would get more quality time than this. I really do not know what to say other than I am in a very bad place right now and I hope everyone understands that it is just very hard to deal with all this, I mean one day I felt ok and was doing fine and the next everything had changed. I am not surprised because of the way I have been feeling, but I sure wish that I had been wrong on this.

I will try to keep in better contact with you all. I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes. I do not know how sick the radiation and chemo are going to make me so it will depend on my energy level.

Please remember to be thankful for your health, live your life to the fullest and be kind to others.

They can't do a needle biopsy...to dangerous because they have to go thru my liver...

Yeah, you read it right...they can't do a needle biopsy because they have to go through my liver to do it, so I have an appointment with the oncologist tomorrow to discuss what is going on.  I still do not know what the blood tests showed, I can only hope the pancreatic enzyme levels are normal. This does not have a good feeling about it, none of it...and I still feel like crap!

I will let you all know what is going on after my doctor's visit tomorrow. I had just hoped that after all I went thru with the surgery that things would be ok longer than this.
Sorry to be whining, but damn I am disappointed.

Please live your life to the fullest, you are not promised a tomorrow, be thankful for your health...you do not know how lucky you are to feel well and have an appetite, all of that can be taken away in the blink of an eye.

A not so good ct scan, many changes some worrisome for pancreatic cancer recurrance...

I am so sorry that I just disappeared, but I have been sick and I did not get a good CT Scan report this time. There are several areas that they have listed as worrisome for pancreatic cancer recurrance, others as possible lymphoma. I am waiting now to see if a needle biopsy can be done, the doctors have to check my scan and see if they think they can reach it with the needle biopsy, as they do not open you up to do it. Also, the oncologist ordered blood work to check my pancreatic enzyme levels but I have not heard back about it. I am very nervous as to what is going on in my body, it seems that all of a sudden everything has just exploded. I also have a spot on my liver, two fluid pockets, and something they referred to as looking like ground glass in my right lower lung lobe, probably related to volume loss or inflammation.

I am almost afraid to go out, it seems that every time I go out later that night or the next day I get sick, throw up for about 8 - 12 hrs. and then feel like crap for the next 5 to 7 days. That is how my summer has been since July, I have had whatever this is 4 times already and the winter has not even started yet. And I am still loosing weight despite taking that icky elixer before meals. When I went to the oncologists last week I had lost another 4 lbs., now I am down to 120.7 lbs., damn I do not remember the last time I weighed 120 lbs...for me it is definately not a good thing.

I am just hanging until the biopsy, depending on which cancer is acting up depends on the next course of treatment, the oncologist says they are two entirely different treatments so the first thing to do is identify which cancer we are dealing with. My best hope is that it is the lymphoma, that can be treated with chemo. If it is the pancreatic cancer reoccurring, they do not do a second surgery and it will kill me. So I am very nervous as to what the hell is going on and the waiting is nerve wracking. That is the main reason I have not been on the computer lately...my nerves are shot and I am drained after being sick. I should know today or tomorrow whether they can do a needle biopsy or not...

I will keep you posted as to what is happening, but some days I am so drained and tired that I just cannot get on the computer.

I cannot thank you all enough for all the messages I have received, please continue to  keep me in your prayers I know it works!

I apologize for disappearing for so long...but I have been sick...

The end of summer has not been kind to me. I am sorry for disappearing for so long. but I have had "the flu" three times since July 21, August 25th and September 10th. It is like my body does not have time to fully recoup from one bout until another hits me. I know the logical answer is to get a flu shot, but I am allergic to the H1N1 vaccine so I can't get one anymore. I am just worn down and feel like crap...sorry that I have not been around but if I am up to long I get dizzy and feel worse. I just want everyone to know that I appreciate all the messages and posts, I love and miss you all and just as soon as I feel good I will be back and more in touch.

I am sorry that I have missed so much going on with all of you...I hope to get caught up very soon. I hope everyone is doing well and are in good health. Please do not take offense that I did not answer each of you individually, I am just not up to it today...I love you all, miss you terribly and will be back as soon as I can be.

Health, happiness, peace and love...

My audience now includes: United States, Germany, India, Canada, France, South Korea & Slovenia...I am so flattered!!

I am very flattered that so many people are reading my blog. Initially I started writing it to get stuff off my chest and to sort of leave a diary for Steve when I die. I thought that he could read what was going on in my head and still have a link to me through this blog, now I am finding that other people are reading it and my one wish is it will give someone hope.

To have people in six countries plus the United States read what I have to write is really mind blowing, who would have thought??? Karen & Pat???? It was those two friends that first suggested I should write a blog, boy were they right...thanks girls! I am just writing what I feel when I sit down at the computer, sometimes I am irritated and it is a wonderful release to just write it out. I am telling you about the good days, the bad days and what I am going through as a pancreatic cancer survivor and a person with non-hodgekins lymphoma. Some of it is boring and everyday, some of it is more interesting...I hope.

This morning has sort of thrown me for a loop. Reading the obituraries...there is a beautiful little 4 year old boy who died from cancer...talk about giving you a case of survivors guilt, if that doesn't do it believe me nothing will. I am always reading or hearing about this person or that person dying from cancer and of course you think why was I spared? It is especially difficult when it is someone so young, but little Gary Key was a baby, he was only 4 years old! And just think how much of his little life was affected by his cancer, it is just heart breaking...I don't care if you have never met them you cannot help but be affected by his death. I know many people much younger and that have children and grandchildren, why them and not me? I have read many blogs by people who have lost someone to pancreatic cancer and many of them say that they look at the survivors and wonder why they lived and their loved one didn't.

The message that I really want out in the universe is that you must enjoy your life like it is the last day. Treasure all the people that you love and care about, be thankful for your health, you will never know how important it is until you have a medical issue,
have compassion for those less fortunate, think of others and remember there is always someone worse off than you.

Thank every one of the folks that take time out of their day to read my blogs...I am truly flattered that you take time out of your day to read what I have to say. It is like a good therapy session for me. It allows my thoughts to come out and it is a diary for Steve.

Positive thoughts = positive energy, let's rock the world!!!!

Health, happiness, peace and love my friends....  :)