losing friends...one of cancers tolls...

I am getting a few things off my chest before I get into the symptoms, surgery and recovery period. There is a lot to be thankful for...the fact that your life has been spared, you have more time with your loved ones, you get to enjoy another sunrise/sunset...so choose not to waste the precious gift of life! Until you go through
something like this you will never know how fragile and precious life is, it can be taken at the blink of an eye...and everyday should be enjoyed not wasted, don't waste time holding grudges and let go of what is not meant to be. I am guilty of doing both of these things, so I know, of what I speak. The grudges part is really not a huge deal, they have been dealt with...the letting go, I have had a harder time doing. You will find one of the saddest things you will face in the journey fighting cancer is that a lot of your friends will disappear. It is not that they not longer like you, but sometimes it is because they like you to much. People handle getting the hell scared out of them in many different ways, when they are watching your struggles and issues, it not only brings your mortality into light, but often their own as well. These days almost everyone has someone they know that has cancer or has lost someone to cancer. When you have been through this battle with your own family member, it is very hard to put yourself into that position again, remember this time you don't "have" to. I think a lot of my friends are afraid I am going to die, so it is easier to just cut off all contact now and just let me fade away and when I die it won't be so close in their life. And even though it hurts my feelings I do understand, if I did not have to deal with this on a daily basis I sure would like a break from it and pretend this was not happening to me...I was prepared for the pancreatic cancer, but the incurable non-hodgkins lymphoma has completely caught me off guard, coming out of left field at the last minute. And then to be told that the reason they did not remove it while you were in surgery was because "there was to much" well what can I say...so yes I understand that friends are fearful of what is going to happen and don't want to be around for the trip. I must say that to me, one of the worst things is the number of friends that have for whatever reason stopped
calling or coming by. I used to receive calls, emails, cards, flowers and visits from my friends, then I got cancer and all that changed...Do you realize that I had major surgery for approx. 6 hours and spent 5 days in the hospital and I did not receive a card or a stinking bunch of flowers...to this day I have only received flowers from my husband, not one other person cared enough to take the time. There is a silver lining to this cloud, even though the old friends have faded away, new friends are coming into my life. And it is a good feeling to know that people that you knew years ago are again back in touch offering support and friendship. I am again getting calls, emails, messages and cards. I know it may sound trite and petty,but something so small means the world to you when you are in this frightening situation. And trust me I don't think it gets much worse than MS, pancreatic cancer, incurable non-hodgkins lymphoma & now type 2 diabetes (post-operative) plus a few other things. Sometimes I wonder why I am walking around, but there must be a reason. That is why I want people to know it can get better, never give up hope, be thankful for everything and everyone and live each day like it is your last, because it could be. If you have the heart, strength and determination to stand by your friends, regardless of the circumstances then I applaud you, it is sad that you find out your true friends in the most scary dark time of your life. Some people think that after you have surgery and come home it is ok...but that is when you need people the most, everything drains the last bit of energy you have, heating a can of soup can be to much work and just to much effort, so you don't eat, every household chore is impossible to do, the pain is so great who cares about the dust bunnies building up or the streaks on the windows. You put your all into getting better and that means just pushing yourself beyond the limits you thought existed. It is truly amazing what the body can take and still make it through the other side. Remember that you can never give up, it is ok to stumble, fall, roll around, scream and hollar...but in the end you MUST get up and go on. Tomorrow is another day.