be thankful for the "little things"....

I am thankful for so many things it would take a book to list them all. There are times that I get the blues and forget just how lucky I am. I have a husband that loves me and takes good care of me. I have a "little" dog, Janie, that has kept me company and has listened to all my fears, she has licked away my tears and she always knows when I don't feel well. Having Janie is bittersweet, she is a doll and I love her, but when this "war" with cancer started I had a 15yr old rat terrier mix named Judy, and to add to my heartbreak she died on May 8, 2010, three days before I had the appointment with the surgeon...to me this was almost unbearable and I cannot even describe the pain of losing her. Ok you have to understand that I do not have any children so my little dogs are like my children. Judy was such a special girl, she had been dropped off and lived on her for over 3 weeks before she ended up at my house, she chose us and decided that this was where she wanted to live and that was for 14 wonderful years. I just could not believe that she was taken from me at the same time that all this was happening, it seemed as though the universe was unusually cruel!!! I am so thankful for the 14 wonderful years that Judy was with me and I will love her forever and never forget her. Today, I am adjusting to life without Judy, but as Janie is nipping at my heels and rolling over acting cute somehow I feel like Judy had a paw in making sure that Janie got this as her forever home. Meanwhile, Judy is waiting at Rainbow Bridge....

symptoms I had with pancreatic cancer...

Before I go any further I just want to tell you the symptoms that I had. Some of them I ignored for a while and some of them I blamed on my MS. I had a nagging pain under my left ribcage going around into my back. This I blamed on being an MS "hug", not realizing I was actually having 2 different pains that felt very similar, the difference being the"hug" goes all the way around, while the pancreas pain only goes about half way around. Then of course there are the dietary issues, some foods (red meat, processed meats, fat & a few others) cause discomfort mid abdomen, you think it is your stomach, when in fact it is your pancreas, which is located behind your stomach not producing the proper enzymes. Also, nausea, vomiting, weight loss, loss of appetite, bowel changes, exhausted all the time, and just a general sense of not feeling well. It was a miracle that my cancer was discovered, as the kind I had was fast growing and located in the body of my pancreas, these usually go undetected until it is to late because of their location. In my case the mass was on the bile duct, which caused the pain, nausea & vomiting...in turn allowing it to be found at stage 1...

thankful for this day.....

I am so thankful that I woke up this morning and was able to get out of bed, dress myself, let my little dog out to do "her business", feed her, fix myself breakfast, do a couple of loads of laundry, make my bed and straighten up a little. The next thing is to  take a short nap...Then more laundry, fix a light dinner since Steve has to work tonight, and hopefully I will have the energy to unload the clean dishes from the dishwasher, so I can put the days dirties in it. It is not the most exciting things to do on a monday, but for me it will take most of the day to accomplish, and I am so very thankful that even tho the progress is slow, if I stick to it and stay determined, there are so many things I can do. Some are still a bit difficult, but many just need to be adjusted...some are still out of my range...but I am determined that I will do everything I can when I can and I will not feel guilty if the dishes do not get done, or the floors aren't vaccumed & scrubbed...it sure is much easier now than it was after surgery...I had help for 2 weeks after surgery and then I was on my own...that was almost so hard that it made me want to give up but you can't...even when it is difficult, do your best, push yourself, do not give up & have hope, hope that all the pain will go away and bring you to the day you can say I am thankful for this day...

losing friends...one of cancers tolls...

I am getting a few things off my chest before I get into the symptoms, surgery and recovery period. There is a lot to be thankful for...the fact that your life has been spared, you have more time with your loved ones, you get to enjoy another sunrise/sunset...so choose not to waste the precious gift of life! Until you go through
something like this you will never know how fragile and precious life is, it can be taken at the blink of an eye...and everyday should be enjoyed not wasted, don't waste time holding grudges and let go of what is not meant to be. I am guilty of doing both of these things, so I know, of what I speak. The grudges part is really not a huge deal, they have been dealt with...the letting go, I have had a harder time doing. You will find one of the saddest things you will face in the journey fighting cancer is that a lot of your friends will disappear. It is not that they not longer like you, but sometimes it is because they like you to much. People handle getting the hell scared out of them in many different ways, when they are watching your struggles and issues, it not only brings your mortality into light, but often their own as well. These days almost everyone has someone they know that has cancer or has lost someone to cancer. When you have been through this battle with your own family member, it is very hard to put yourself into that position again, remember this time you don't "have" to. I think a lot of my friends are afraid I am going to die, so it is easier to just cut off all contact now and just let me fade away and when I die it won't be so close in their life. And even though it hurts my feelings I do understand, if I did not have to deal with this on a daily basis I sure would like a break from it and pretend this was not happening to me...I was prepared for the pancreatic cancer, but the incurable non-hodgkins lymphoma has completely caught me off guard, coming out of left field at the last minute. And then to be told that the reason they did not remove it while you were in surgery was because "there was to much" well what can I say...so yes I understand that friends are fearful of what is going to happen and don't want to be around for the trip. I must say that to me, one of the worst things is the number of friends that have for whatever reason stopped
calling or coming by. I used to receive calls, emails, cards, flowers and visits from my friends, then I got cancer and all that changed...Do you realize that I had major surgery for approx. 6 hours and spent 5 days in the hospital and I did not receive a card or a stinking bunch of flowers...to this day I have only received flowers from my husband, not one other person cared enough to take the time. There is a silver lining to this cloud, even though the old friends have faded away, new friends are coming into my life. And it is a good feeling to know that people that you knew years ago are again back in touch offering support and friendship. I am again getting calls, emails, messages and cards. I know it may sound trite and petty,but something so small means the world to you when you are in this frightening situation. And trust me I don't think it gets much worse than MS, pancreatic cancer, incurable non-hodgkins lymphoma & now type 2 diabetes (post-operative) plus a few other things. Sometimes I wonder why I am walking around, but there must be a reason. That is why I want people to know it can get better, never give up hope, be thankful for everything and everyone and live each day like it is your last, because it could be. If you have the heart, strength and determination to stand by your friends, regardless of the circumstances then I applaud you, it is sad that you find out your true friends in the most scary dark time of your life. Some people think that after you have surgery and come home it is ok...but that is when you need people the most, everything drains the last bit of energy you have, heating a can of soup can be to much work and just to much effort, so you don't eat, every household chore is impossible to do, the pain is so great who cares about the dust bunnies building up or the streaks on the windows. You put your all into getting better and that means just pushing yourself beyond the limits you thought existed. It is truly amazing what the body can take and still make it through the other side. Remember that you can never give up, it is ok to stumble, fall, roll around, scream and hollar...but in the end you MUST get up and go on. Tomorrow is another day.

its Sunday morning and I can't sleep...

Well, here I am again, it is Sunday morning, my husband is still sleeping and the house is still and quiet. As is normal these days I woke up about 3:30am with a pain under my left ribcage, even after surgery and 10 months of recovery it still hurts like hell. So coffee in tow I checked my e-mails, facebook messages and decided to do some more blogging. I really want to stress upon anyone following this how important it is to have a good relationship with you doctor. If you only tell them half-truths they cannot help you. If you cannot talk openly and frankly with your doctor, change and find one you can talk to,you know your body better than anyone else in the world, they may have the degree, but you know how you feel, what hurts and changes that are occurring. You must take an active role in your own health care, if you know something is wrong, don't stop until you know what is causing the problem. Had I have said ok, heart is ok, just sludge in the gall bladder, no problem,I would be dying now. When I read about the gall bladder scan, it kept referring to the pancreas, so I read about the pancreas and symptoms. Well, to my surprise ALL the symptoms that I had told the hospital doctors about pointed to pancreas problems, not gall bladder. Firstly, gall bladder pain is in the upper right abdomen...mine was and always had been under my left ribcage around into my back. I even told the tech doing the scan, I had no gall bladder symptoms, but say if pancreas symptoms listed were 12 I had 10 of them. Well, like I said yesterday, thank God my pcp and I have a long history together and she knows I am not full of bull nor do I complain to her often. I guess I should also let you know at this point that I have had multiple sclerosis for the past 16 years, so she knows when I complain that something is really, really wrong. I cannot stress to you the importance of having good communications with your doctor and be open and honest with them, remember it is your health and your life you are dealing with. And believe me it can mean the difference between living and dying. I do not know how many doctors saw me the 2 days I was in the hospital, I told each of them and in fact anybody that would listen the symptoms I was having...even tho 1 doctor (who shall remain nameless) questioned me at length about pancreatitis, he did not order a simple ct scan which in the end is the test that showed the mass. So really pay attention to what I am saying, don't stop if you know something is wrong, nag your doctor, change doctors whatever it takes to get the proper testing to find out what is wrong. It saved my life and it could save yours or a loved one. After 2 days in the hospital, probing, labs, stress test, abdominal ultrasound, echogram, gall bladder scan, in the end a ct scan was what was needed to show the mass. A lot of politics is involved in your health care, look at all the money spent,when a ct scan done in the beginning would have found the mass and saved my insurance a boatload of money...no wonder our insurance is so expensive. In case you can't tell or have not picked up on it yet, I am really, really, really, really pissed at the hospital doctors, it scares me to think how close I came to not finding out about the mass and when I did see my surgeon he estimated I had about 18 to 24 months to live, if left untreated. So, I really don't have a word for the nameless doctor, but I sure as hell would not take my little dog to him for fleas. And that is my opinion, he did not listen to me, he brushed it off, he did not send in a gastro doctor and what really irks me is he asked me all about my pancreas, so I feel like he had an idea, he was just to whatever to refer it to someone who could help me. My warning to everyone is just because they have an MD behind their name does not mean they can't miss something or simply be out of their field and not want to admit they do not know what is wrong. Do not let yourself become a victim of some doctors bolstered ego, that is what second opinions are all about...don't get me wrong I love my pcp, surgeon & oncologist, but I do have one from my hospital stay that has gotten on my bad side, and that is a bad place to be....

no title just rambling...how it all began...

I thank God my primary care doctor listened to me and did not brush me off as another woman with aches and pains that wanted to complain. The beginning of my "war" with pancreatic cancer began April 2, 2010. It was a sunny Friday, I was feeling terrible that morning and I had a nagging pain under my left ribcage going around into my back. My chest just did not feel right, so I called my husband to come home and take me to the emergency room. My initial thought was I was having a heart attack. When we arrived at the hospital, after what seemed like an eternity we were taken into a cubical. The nurse asked the usual questions, filled out more paperwork and started getting me hooked up...then she went to attend another patient. I had not even gotten settled when the nausea started...followed quickly by throwing up. Long story short, I was admitted and transferred to the "heart patient floor", it was already around 9pm so not a lot was done that night, saw a couple doctors, nurses, lab techs and tried to get some sleep. The following morning it was on, the tests were just beginning. I had not had a heart attack but had to do a stress test before I could go home. Also, after talking to one of the many doctors, they also decided to do an abdominal ultra sound. The stress test was ok, nothing wrong with the heart, but inflamation showed up in some lymph nodes in the stomach area. A few hours after the stress test, I had the ultrasound. The ultrasound showed no gallstones, but "sludge" in the gall bladder. After talking to 2 cardiologists it was determined I would be released from the hospital, to have an Echogram and Gall bladder scan as an outpatient,(as I do have a-fib). Echo was clear and good, gall bladder scan showed basically the same thing "sludge" in the gall bladder and inflamed lymph nodes. Fortunately for me, I had a regular scheduled appointment with my pcp on April 9th. I relayed what had been happening and she decided to run some more labs, since my pancreatic enzymes were off at the hospital. When the results came back the enzymes were still off so she ordered a ct scan, the ct scan showed a solid mass in my pancreas.
The day after the ct scan I received a call from my doctor, telling me about the mass which they thought was a tumor and she wanted me to have an MRI the next day, then bring my husband for a 5pm appt. the day after the MRI. So you really start to get the feeling that you are not going to get good news. When she opened the door to the examine room, I knew, it was bad...just the way my doctor looked, she is a very attractive woman who is always put together and polished, but not that day...her hair was sticking up, her lipstick was gone and she was pale and looked very sad. She relayed that there was indeed a mass in the pancreas and it was very unusual to have found it because it was in the body of the pancreas, which is usually the ones that kill you, because you have no symptoms until it is to late. In my case the mass was on the bile duct thus causing the nausea, throwing up, bowel changes, and pain that I had been experiencing. She had spent most of that day, talking to the oncologist in Winchester and was told to not waste my energy, don't send me to them there was" nothing they could do for me". They referred her to a surgeon at UVA, that was outstanding in the field of pancreatic cancer surgery and he was the only chance I had, if he decided I was a candidate for the surgery. Sorry, but I am getting very tired I will continue with the surgeons appointment but I have to say goodnight for now.

welcome to becky's bytes

Welcome to becky's bytes. I have read many blogs about cancer, survivors, and the loss families go through. I have so much going thru my mind that I don't even know where to begin. I guess the first thing I want everyone to know is that pancreatic cancer is not an automatic death sentence. I am living proof of that. My cancer should not have been found and should have killed me, but with the determination of my doctor we found a mass in my pancreas, that turned out to be a 2cm stage 1 cancer. After having surgery to remove the body & tail of my pancreas, spleen, 8" of intestine & 6 cancerous lymph nodes...I am proof that there can be life after pancreatic cancer. Later I am going to tell you about the symptoms to be aware of, if you know your body it will tell you something is wrong. To many of us just choose to ignore the little aching pain, nausea, changes in bowel movements, thinking it will go away while all the time a deadly cancer is growing. If I can save one life by sharing my experiences then it will be worth it. It is so easy to dwell on how scared you are or how bad you feel...but trust me it is just as easy to enjoy the sunshine, the fact that you wake up every morning, your friends, loved ones, pets, birds singing, the glisten of a spring flower. There is beauty all around us, we just have to open our eyes and our hearts to see it. The smallest thing can give you great pleasure, go fly a kite on a windy day with a kid, let their lust for life rub off on you, you may be surprised that the inner child does want to come out and play.